Stab Magazine | "God Has Always Been Good To 3rd World Countries"

“God Has Always Been Good To 3rd World Countries”

Edition 114. 

style // Dec 23, 2017
Words by stab
Reading Time: 4 minutes

December is without fail an exciting time of year for the surfing world and the past week certainly didn’t disappoint. As always, your second favourite vertical dragging site (behind the Inertia) was all over it like Turpel with a Pott’s world title reminder. Let’s have a flick back on the week that was.

We kicked off with an unexpected addition to the tour circuit – Round 2 of the Billabong Rio Masters – where we watched the world’s best hammer it out in some of the Oahu’s worst conditions. 

Mick Fanning maybe/maybe-not surfed his last ever CT heat, whereas Kerrzy and Bede definitely surfed their final ever CT event. Shortly after, the conspiracy theorists were out in force when God (AKA Richie Porta) gifted double John and Gabby just points enough to squeeze through their heats. Gabby then thanked the Gods with an all-time Chinese burn dished out to none other Kelly Slater and it appears the WSL may not even understand their own rulebook on the issue. Wait, am I forgetting something…

Oh yeah, John John fucking Florence won his second World Title! This makes JJF the 8th person to ever win two titles and the first since Kelly to win two consecutively. Griffin Colapinto managed secure the Vans Triples Crown without even competing at Pipe. Then the Reunion Island hitman returned after decimating Gabby to steal the Pipe Masters from John John in the dying seconds. But if you didn’t already know all of this, then you need to stop living your life and spend more time on the internet like the rest of us.

We also found out who’s (re)qualified for the big leagues next year. There were speculations that either Simpo or possibly even a Jeep Wrangler will be gifted the two wildcard spots. Yet all I know is that Keanu Reeves is definitely back on tour and the Italian Stallion is making an unexpected departure. Shane and Noodles also had a chat with super-coach Snake Paterson and to wrap it all up Kelly gave us some insight surrounding the past week of North Shore calamity. 

Outside of the World Tour, Rory dished us some insight into the continued happenings at the world’s premier spot for unnecessary localism. A few suit wearing entrepreneurs released a surf film in Newtown – SURFCASETTE 2. The WSL and ISA decided on the 2020 Olympic surfer arrangements. We learned Norway is still really far away, Parko loves skimming at wavepools and the Encyclopedia of Surfing lives another day

In case you’re interested, I also managed to snag a full seven matches on tinder (update on the developments next week), witnessed a man run over a small child on a foamie and I drove a 40km with the petrol light on waiting for my Centrelink payments.

As expected, the pigs in the digital play pen were writhing at the opportunity to hook into some of these stories with their most potent verbal venom. So with a Dog x Dart collab, here are the most intoxicating comments from the past week at Stab

10. The Drop Episode 3 with Jake “Snake” Paterson 

Co 10

9. Who’s Going To Get The Two WSL Wildcards For 2018?

CO 9

8. Who’s Going To Get The Two WSL Wildcards For 2018?

co 8

7. Pat’s Back And That’s That!

Co 7

6. The Dagger Jeremy Stabbed Through John’s Heart

Co 6

5. Kelly Slater Was Robbed By The WSL

co 5

4. Jeremy Flores Just Won The Pipe Masters

Co 4

3. John John Florence Just Secured His Second World Title

co 2

2. Did Mick Fanning Just Surf His Last Pipe Masters Heat?



1. A Huge Day At The Pipe Masters

CO 1


Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up


Most Recent

“Airlines Hate Me:” Bad Boy RyRy’s Guide To Surf Travel

Want to get pampered at the pointy end of the plane for free?

Aug 17, 2022


What Happens When You Borrow A Pro’s Board?

Joyride: The Shrizz from PANDA surfboards.

Aug 16, 2022


Mick Fanning Samples California’s Finest Local Produce

Mayhem at Lowers.

Aug 16, 2022

Mountains Died So You Could Surf

The value of sand.

Aug 15, 2022


UPDATE: People Are Still Surfing ‘La Jetee’ in Reunion Island

Returning to the best & sharkiest air wave in the world, as seen in Mod…

Aug 14, 2022

These Are Your Favorite (Female) Surfers

What the Stab reader survey teaches us about taste.

Aug 14, 2022


Kelly and Local Gal to Win Teahupo’o?

Local insights and a firing forecast.

Aug 13, 2022

These Are Your Favorite (Male) Surfers

Insights from the 2022 Stab Reader survey.

Aug 13, 2022


Fear And Loathing in Mainland Mex

Parker Coffin, Harry Roach, and the Roark crew embark on an authentic Oaxacan (surf) trip.

Aug 13, 2022

Tahiti Preview: The End Of The Road For 72% Of The CT

And hello there, blob of swell.

Aug 12, 2022


While Everyone Flocked To Tahiti, Kelly Stayed in Jbay

...And proceeded to rip the hell out of it on a "borrowed" 5-finned Tomo.

Aug 11, 2022


Can A GQ Cover Boy Take Out Teahupo’o?

Kauli Vaast is your incredibly handsome Tahiti trials winner.

Aug 11, 2022

Watch: Ramble On With Caity Simmers 

An action-rich tour behind the scenes of her triumphant first voyage to Oz.

Aug 11, 2022

PSA: Surf Filmers Not Welcome In Nicaragua

Cameras and drones are being seized on arrival, Stab spoke with two recent visitors.

Aug 11, 2022

Inside The Alternative Surfboard Marketing Machine 

Two of the biz's best — Matt Parker and Blake Peters — spill many beans.

Aug 10, 2022

The Tragic Parallels Between The Murder Of Ricardo Dos Santos & 8x World Jiu Jitsu Champion Leandro Lo

Two Brazilian sporting icons killed brazenly by off-duty police officers.

Aug 9, 2022

The Pick-Up, Vans US Open: In The Belly Of The Beast

Finger flips, shaping with Zion Wright, slurpees, Hawaiian takeovers, and the king of Surfline rewinds.

Aug 8, 2022

Albee Layer Discusses His Not-So-Budding Acting Career And The Upcoming Film “Sweet Adventure”

"Matt and Nora were tripping a little harder than I was just because they weren't…

Aug 8, 2022