“God Has Always Been Good To 3rd World Countries”

December is without fail an exciting time of year for the surfing world and the past week certainly didn’t disappoint. As always, your second favourite vertical dragging site (behind the Inertia) was all over it like Turpel with a Pott’s world title reminder. Let’s have a flick back on the week that was.

We kicked off with an unexpected addition to the tour circuit – Round 2 of the Billabong Rio Masters – where we watched the world’s best hammer it out in some of the Oahu’s worst conditions. 

Mick Fanning maybe/maybe-not surfed his last ever CT heat, whereas Kerrzy and Bede definitely surfed their final ever CT event. Shortly after, the conspiracy theorists were out in force when God (AKA Richie Porta) gifted double John and Gabby just points enough to squeeze through their heats. Gabby then thanked the Gods with an all-time Chinese burn dished out to none other Kelly Slater and it appears the WSL may not even understand their own rulebook on the issue. Wait, am I forgetting something…

Oh yeah, John John fucking Florence won his second World Title! This makes JJF the 8^th person to ever win two titles and the first since Kelly to win two consecutively. Griffin Colapinto managed secure the Vans Triples Crown without even competing at Pipe. Then the Reunion Island hitman returned after decimating Gabby to steal the Pipe Masters from John John in the dying seconds. But if you didn’t already know all of this, then you need to stop living your life and spend more time on the internet like the rest of us.

We also found out who’s (re)qualified for the big leagues next year. There were speculations that either Simpo or possibly even a Jeep Wrangler will be gifted the two wildcard spots. Yet all I know is that Keanu Reeves is definitely back on tour and the Italian Stallion is making an unexpected departure. Shane and Noodles also had a chat with super-coach Snake Paterson and to wrap it all up Kelly gave us some insight surrounding the past week of North Shore calamity. 

Outside of the World Tour, Rory dished us some insight into the continued happenings at the world’s premier spot for unnecessary localism. A few suit wearing entrepreneurs released a surf film in Newtown – SURFCASETTE 2. The WSL and ISA decided on the 2020 Olympic surfer arrangements. We learned Norway is still really far away, Parko loves skimming at wavepools and the Encyclopedia of Surfing lives another day. 

In case you’re interested, I also managed to snag a full seven matches on tinder (update on the developments next week), witnessed a man run over a small child on a foamie and I drove a 40km with the petrol light on waiting for my Centrelink payments.

As expected, the pigs in the digital play pen were writhing at the opportunity to hook into some of these stories with their most potent verbal venom. So with a Dog x Dart collab, here are the most intoxicating comments from the past week at Stab. 

10. The Drop Episode 3 with Jake “Snake” Paterson 

9. Who’s Going To Get The Two WSL Wildcards For 2018?

8. Who’s Going To Get The Two WSL Wildcards For 2018?

7. Pat’s Back And That’s That!

6. The Dagger Jeremy Stabbed Through John’s Heart

5. Kelly Slater Was Robbed By The WSL

4. Jeremy Flores Just Won The Pipe Masters

3. John John Florence Just Secured His Second World Title

2. Did Mick Fanning Just Surf His Last Pipe Masters Heat?

1. A Huge Day At The Pipe Masters