Hot Tip: Jeff Bezos' 6 Pack Of Fin Keys Rewards Eternally & Might Just Get You Laid - Stab Mag

Live Now: How Surfers Get Paid — The Queens of Ascension

Micky Clarke demonstrating what can be done with some hard work and a whole lotta fin key.

Hot Tip: Jeff Bezos’ 6 Pack Of Fin Keys Rewards Eternally & Might Just Get You Laid

A fin-mple solution to an age-old dillemma.

elsewhere // Aug 11, 2022
Words by Jack Mutschler
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Do you know why that photo above is possible?

Because fin key.

Crass, but very much not wrong. Sorry, Mitchard.

Without a fin key, we lack the ability to secure fins. Without fins, we (who aren’t krooky) shadow the grace of elderly relatives on hoverboards.

The small piece of plastic, glued to an even smaller hexagonal metal, is what people outside of San Clemente might refer to as an Allen wrench. Essential, cheap, and easy to stow— yet we refuse to own more than one. Ask a friend if they have a  fin key, the answer is yes, but they’ll have to look for it. For some odd reason, the majority of us do have one, but only one, and its exact coordinates are up for debate.

Fin science, thanks to fin keys.

Cue the Pazsitzky effect— coined by podcaster comedian and main mommy Christina P, the theory speaks to how our daily rituals and how they’re (mostly) incredibly inconvenient.

Hate walking downstairs every morning to get coffee? Put a coffee maker in your bathroom. Struggling to rip open that cardboard box at your doorstep? Use a box cutter and give your fingernails a rest.

Solutions are simple, but we avoid them at all costs.

My reoccurring issue is not having a fin key when it’s the only thing I need. The roof of my Mazda hatchback has molded to my fist, from throwing loose fins and boards in the back with no key. Time wasted, precious gas burned, and another $5 gifted to a Florida state park (Don’t remind me of Mick Fanning’s Cheat Codes – the self-loathing is sufficient as is). The desperate hope I’ve encountered in a stranger’s eyes, as they ask if I have a fin key, because it’s firing and they didn’t, lets me know I’m not the only one.


I went on Amazon and bought a whole fucking sack of fin keys, something I realize I should have done years ago.

fin key
Yes, your hunch is correct, Stab is certainly in kahoots with phallic rocket boy.

 I threw a key in the trunk of my car, and two more in the glove box for when that one goes MIA. I clipped one to my car keys, tossed a few in the board bag, and even stashed one in grandma’s living room.

Not having multiple fin keys is mouth breather behavior— they’re less than a dollar and the lack of one wreck a session before your dogs touch the sand. Plus, having more than one means no more tearing apart your house and car to swap propellers.

I bought 12 keys for $18 and surf icon Jeff Bezos had them delivered to my doorstep in 24 hrs. To fund this purchase, all I did was eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. I am not rich, nor a savant,  just a boy tired of living like a jester.

Buy here.


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