Hot Tip: Jeff Bezos' 6 Pack Of Fin Keys Rewards Eternally & Might Just Get You Laid - Stab Mag
Micky Clarke demonstrating what can be done with some hard work and a whole lotta fin key.

Hot Tip: Jeff Bezos’ 6 Pack Of Fin Keys Rewards Eternally & Might Just Get You Laid

A fin-mple solution to an age-old dillemma.

elsewhere // Aug 11, 2022
Words by Jack Mutschler
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Do you know why that photo above is possible?

Because fin key.

Crass, but very much not wrong. Sorry, Mitchard.

Without a fin key, we lack the ability to secure fins. Without fins, we (who aren’t krooky) shadow the grace of elderly relatives on hoverboards.

The small piece of plastic, glued to an even smaller hexagonal metal, is what people outside of San Clemente might refer to as an Allen wrench. Essential, cheap, and easy to stow— yet we refuse to own more than one. Ask a friend if they have a  fin key, the answer is yes, but they’ll have to look for it. For some odd reason, the majority of us do have one, but only one, and its exact coordinates are up for debate.

Fin science, thanks to fin keys.

Cue the Pazsitzky effect— coined by podcaster comedian and main mommy Christina P, the theory speaks to how our daily rituals and how they’re (mostly) incredibly inconvenient.

Hate walking downstairs every morning to get coffee? Put a coffee maker in your bathroom. Struggling to rip open that cardboard box at your doorstep? Use a box cutter and give your fingernails a rest.

Solutions are simple, but we avoid them at all costs.

My reoccurring issue is not having a fin key when it’s the only thing I need. The roof of my Mazda hatchback has molded to my fist, from throwing loose fins and boards in the back with no key. Time wasted, precious gas burned, and another $5 gifted to a Florida state park (Don’t remind me of Mick Fanning’s Cheat Codes – the self-loathing is sufficient as is). The desperate hope I’ve encountered in a stranger’s eyes, as they ask if I have a fin key, because it’s firing and they didn’t, lets me know I’m not the only one.


I went on Amazon and bought a whole fucking sack of fin keys, something I realize I should have done years ago.

fin key
Yes, your hunch is correct, Stab is certainly in kahoots with phallic rocket boy.

 I threw a key in the trunk of my car, and two more in the glove box for when that one goes MIA. I clipped one to my car keys, tossed a few in the board bag, and even stashed one in grandma’s living room.

Not having multiple fin keys is mouth breather behavior— they’re less than a dollar and the lack of one wreck a session before your dogs touch the sand. Plus, having more than one means no more tearing apart your house and car to swap propellers.

I bought 12 keys for $18 and surf icon Jeff Bezos had them delivered to my doorstep in 24 hrs. To fund this purchase, all I did was eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. I am not rich, nor a savant,  just a boy tired of living like a jester.

Buy here.


Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up


Most Recent

Donald Brink and Matt Biolos Win Mick Fanning’s Electric Acid Surfboard Test

And we had a party in Oceanside to celebrate.

Sep 26, 2022

Kanoa Igarashi and Kirra Pinkerton Answer Call Of Duty, Win Medals Of Honor In 2022 ISA World Games

Teams Japan, USA, and France move into Victor’s Village.

Sep 26, 2022

The Best Euro Surf Trips That Mightn’t Be On Your Radar

Want to know which less-trodden nation offers the most potential?

Sep 26, 2022

Former CT Surfer Chris Davidson Passes Away At Age 45

A radical life tragically ends outside a bar in New South Wales.

Sep 25, 2022

Where You Should Be In Europe Right Now

An overview of the region's greatest hits.

Sep 25, 2022

The Team Ukraine Interview

“There are mines near the shore, and already a lot of people have died…so it’s…

Sep 24, 2022

Mormaii Founder Raided By Brazilian Feds On Suspicion Of Plotting Against Democracy

Curiously, he's the second surf brand founder to become entangled in a political scandal of…

Sep 24, 2022

The Electric Acid Surfboard Test With Mick Fanning, Episode 4

There are three boards left. Which one is Mick taking home?

Sep 23, 2022

Watch: Tresha

The Bella Kenworthy Edit.

Sep 22, 2022

Photos: Welcome To Vans Stab High Indonesia, Presented By Monster Energy

Welcome to Lakey Peak. Now do airs.

Sep 22, 2022


Taro Watanabe Is The Love Child Of Your Favorite 80’s Surfers

Watch his new edit 'Sonic Youth' now.

Sep 22, 2022

The Four-Finned, Carbon-Wrapped, Vacuum-Bagged Board That Won The 2022 World Title 

The minds behind Sharp Eye and Dark Arts break down Filipe's winning plank.

Sep 22, 2022

Selema Masekela Discusses The New Film “Sweet Adventure,” A New Love For El Salvador and His Not-So-New Music Career 

"It's literally the entirety of my life coming full circle in a way that I…

Sep 22, 2022

Does The 1-to-6 Foot Surfboard Exist?

Pushing the Channel Islands NeckBeard 3 to its absolute limits in a new Joyride review.

Sep 21, 2022


Life Comes At You Fast — So Does This Hectic Indo Clip

Finn McGill and a full-speed stint in Southeast Asia

Sep 21, 2022

Interview: Afghanistan Surf Champion Afridun Amu

From refugee to constitutional lawyer to university lecturer to Afghan surfing icon.

Sep 20, 2022


Bong Make ‘Another Good Call’ By Poaching Stab Cinematographer For West Oz Clip

Shut up, is that Occy doing punts?!

Sep 20, 2022

Exactly Where, When, And How Stephanie Gilmore Won Her 8 World Titles

Steph has won 341 heats in her 15 years on the CT — let's revisit…

Sep 20, 2022