Adriano Is Mr Sexy! Italo Kicks Cinderella! John John Is Nice And Surfs Good!

Welcome to the first ever second edition of Stab’s Speed Power Flow Rankings.

This is a very big deal.

Last week marked the 218th year of the iconic Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach. The inaugural comp was first won by Captain James Cook, of course, when he edged out then Arthur Ripple in a close final. Mick Fanning has won pretty much every year since.

It was a classic Rip Curl Pro this year. The sky was grey, the walls were juicy, and somebody probably got fingered in the car park while AC/DC was playing. (Around Easter time, they just call that the Jan Juc handshake.)

As far as the surfing goes, Bells, as always, was the quintessential arena for power. And speed. And flow.

Shall we?

#69 Dirk Zuckerberg

If the WSL really wanted to stop people from zooming in on bikinis, they would have just banned Instagram.

But since they’re in Zuckerberg’s pocket, they just put all the blame on the photographers.

At this point, it’s become quite clear that the Groundbreaking Exclusive  Facebook Megadeal from earlier this year was really just an elaborate ploy to try to steal everyone’s data, so that they could micro-target ads to sell Slater Design’s backstock of Evos now that the Cymatic is all the rage.

#25 Kelly Slater

Hasn’t surfed a heat this year. Probably won’t until Keramas, at best.

But he is the greatest surfer of all time. And he does have the world’s best man-made wave all to himself. And his own surfboard company. Pretty crazy to consider the comeback he could stage.

Still, he’s 25th on the SPF rankings, and will remain here until he swaps the chia seeds for stem cells and really heals that foot.

#22 John John Florence

John is actually 26th in the WSL rankings, but I put him up here because I think he has a shot at re-qualifying.

John’s competitive at heart and with a little luck, it wouldn’t be surprising to see him make it through some big heats this year.

The 25-year-old from the North Shore on the Hawaiian Island of Oahu could be a major force on the CT in the years to come.

#13 Griffin Colapinto

Trader Joe’s is the preferred grocery store of suburban moms with preachy environmental stickers on the bumpers of their 18 MPG SUVs.

Their hummus is phenomenal.

After a big start to his rookie year, it appears as though Griffin may be suffering from some sort of Trader Joes-Deficiency Disorder.

With local Jake Paterson in his corner, chances are he’ll find some decent hummus in WA — none of that Sabra shit.

Expect no less than Quarters.

#9 Caroline Marks

Girl Occy. I get it. Because the long hair and the big backside turns. Yup.

Caroline is off to a good start, but she’s gotta work hard if she wants to maintain that nickname.

Bury some surfboards.

Tell people she’s going to swim across the ocean.

Although she’s only 16, Caroline is a very fit and powerful young woman, leaving no doubt in my mind that she could mow Stephanie Gilmore down on a bicycle.

#8 Gabriel Medina

The Gabby-John rivalry is real, folks.

The only reason Gabby lost on the Gold Coast was because he’s so competitive with John, didn’t want to give him the advantage of having a shot at a come-from-behind World Title.

However, at Bells, it wasn’t like he was going to lose to Ian fucking Gouveia. He simply could not keep up with John John’s losing streak.

#7 Mick Fanning

Because that’s his jersey number, that’s how everyone will remember him. Like how Michael Jordan’s forever #23.

Just kidding. We’ll all remember him as a 3x World Champ who wasn’t a pussy about winning any of them, persevered through some truly hard times, properly punched a shark, and is one of the most humble and genuine characters that ever stepped on a surfboard. 

#6 Michel Bourez and Owen Wright

The most consistent surfers, this year, each earning two Quarterfinals finishes.

I recently saw a surfboard company marketing a “dual-fin” surfboard and it makes me think that one of these guys should’ve claimed to have invented a “triple-fin” and wooed the kind-eyed people of Victoria just one more time.

Plus, Owen had the best moment in No Contest. 

#5 Julian Wilson

Points-wise, he’s tied with Italo, but still maintains the ratings lead based off the WSL’s long-standing policy of favoring white people.

That said, given the nature of his mountain bike accident, WA will be a most difficult venue on tour for Julian. With countless vineyards, golf courses, rock climbing venues, and even a sensory deprivation tank in the greater Margaret River area, Julian will have to be extra cautious if he wants to make it out of West Oz alive.

#4 Mister Sexy

Adriano, those glasses.

Wow.

Hot professor, anyone? New age yoga stud? I don’t even know.

What I do know is that this look lands him ahead of Julian WIlson.

Adriano displaces a lot of water with his maneuvers. I don’t think I have ever seen him pull out (of a wave).

If those glasses make it to Margaret’s, it’s safe to assume that we’ll be seeing a lot of wet West Oz bed linens, and a possible birth into the final.

Mister Sexy will be a force to be reckoned with, on both sides of the draw.

#2 Italo Ferreira

He literally waltzed right into a Cinderella story and kicked her right in the wand — and Timberland-up, no less.

And you know what? Nobody was that upset.

Italo is a proper World Title contender and he will also win the event at California’s best wave, T-Street Lemoore. 

#1 Zeke Lau 

Big swingin’ dickin’ the World’s Best and Most Likable Surfer with aggressive and absolutely fair tactics, that got a bunch of grown adults on Instagram in a schoolyard frizzy?

That’s what the SPF rankings are all about.

Because, honestly, it’s relatable. If you haven’t felt like using fear, intimidation, perhaps a touch of physicality in order to reap more out of the ocean than another individual, then I flat-out don’t believe you’ve surfed in the past three years.

Zeke truly is the power surfer of this generation. And for that, we should all love him.

Meditation Of The Event:

Namaste.

Jord-o-meter: 

How do you follow up back-to-back 13th places? Backside superman on our state of the art monitoring system.

Grinder Of The Event Award, In Loving Memory Of Bede Durbidge.

Grinder goes to Pat Gudauskas. May the sunshine of Stradbroke warm his cheeks.