Luxury

$20,000

Commission Ozzie and Dashenka to paint your bedroom

Ozzie: First, it doesn’t matter where you live in Australia – we’ll come to you and our airfares are included in the price. You can’t carry cans of spray paint on the plane so after you pick us up from the airport (or we can grab a cab if you don’t have wheels) we’ll go to the hardware store and pick some paints. Dashenka and I will spend a whole day on the bedroom. It’ll be kinda based on whatever theme I’m into at the time. Right now, it’s Biker Zombies. I’ll do the walls, I’ll do the roof, there’s be stencilling, fine art, whatever. Plus, I’ll throw in a few little extra things – Biker Zombie dolls, some little surprises, and since I’ve started doing Dope Comics surfboards, you’ll get one of those too. It’ll be shaped by Boozy Shapes (Thomas Jensen), be around 5’8”, maybe have a stinger, diamond rails, fat bat tail and I’ll hand paint it. Two grand in the shops, for you it’s part of the deal. And a word of advice: prepare the room. Whatever you don’t want destroyed, get it out.
Dashenka: I’ll do little paintings and drawings to go on the coffee table and make you plaster sculptures of Pritomonn and Soontoo. The theme for the bedroom will be Free Sleep And Crazy Dreams. Afterwards, we’ll all share a couple of bottles of red wine and we’ll eat olives with anchovies inside. They’re the best!

“The theme for the bedroom will be Free Sleep And Crazy Dreams. Afterwards, we’ll all share a couple of bottles of red wine and we’ll eat olives with anchovies inside.” Dashenka

$75,000

Hire G-Love and Special Sauce to play at your wedding

G-Love: I thought we were going to charge 80 gees? Did I say 75? Alright, whaddya think, 75 or 80? Seventy-five? Okay, cool, here’s the deal: on top of the 75k slug, we’ll need business-class tickets from the US (I live in Philly, the drummer lives in New Orleans, bass player’s in San Francisco) and we’ll need our sound guy to come. And we’ll need hotel accommodation.

So, what do we give them for their money? We give them two one-hour sets, plus however many encores they want. However long they want to party and throw down is how long we’ll play. So it’s contingent on the crowd. They don’t have to go nuts either. We give people a lot of music so long as everyone is feeling upbeat and the beat is happening, we’ll keep delivering the music.
Plus, I’ll write a song for the bride and the groom. Or, if the groom wants, we can collaborate. I’ll help him write about their experiences together. And when we get back to the US, we’ll record the song in the studio and sent em a CD of it. If it’s good, it’ll be on the next album.
Me and the bride and groom’ll work out the set list together too. We’ll do a special cover for the bride and the groom too. But, mostly, I just wanna keep it funky. This isn’t a concert, man, it’s a party. We have songs like Cold Beverage and Friday Night and Rock and Roll and Booty Call and Give It To You, Astronaut, I-76, just a lot of stuff that’s good for dancing and then maybe we’ll play a couple of classic wedding tunes like Celebration.
All up, it’d probably cost a total of 100 gees. But, you know what? If they really want us to come down, we’ll work on the price. I’m into having fun and I like to party down.

“All up, it’d probably cost a total of 100 gees. But, you know what? If they really want us to come down, we’ll work on the price. I’m into having fun and I like to party down.”

$50,000

Buy a spot on Taylor Steele’s Drive-Thru Africa

Taylor Steele: Drop the 50k chunk and here’s what you get: an airfare to Jeffreys Bay where you’ll meet up with Donavon, Benji, Noodles and two of our performance surfers – we haven’t chosen these guys yet but it could be Taj, Bruce Irons, Damien Hobgood, Shane Dorian, whoever – for two weeks on the road. We’ll catch the end of the WCT event and you’ll get to fight over a bunk in the RV, like, first come first served. Just because Bruce and Donnie are there doesn’t mean you can’t play alpha male.
You’ll get a Drive Thru sweatsuit outfit, all your food’ll be covered, all your accommodation, all your drinks, even your souvenirs. You won’t open your wallet once. If you need something, you ask Greg Browning – he travels with $9900 in cash and the DT credit card. Why $9900? Anything over 10k and customs start to ask questions.
Our whole thing is we have to get waves so we might go to Reunion, we might go to Madagascar, Mozambique, wherever. And don’t sweat on the expensive internal flights. All included.
Included in your 50k is one wave and about one minute of camera time. If you want more waves, it’s two-grand a pop. If you want a five-minute profile in the DVD extras, throw me another thousand and I’ll make sure it happens.
This is a prestigious trip, so it don’t come cheap. It’s one that all the surfers wanna go on – everyone calls up trying to get a slot. I tell them they got two ways: surf great or pay through the nose. Hey, hey, I’m joking. But not to you. You want it, you start juicing up that credit card.

Included in your 50k is one wave and about one minute of camera time. If you want more waves, it’s two-grand a pop. If you want a five-minute profile in the DVD extras, throw me another thousand and I’ll make sure it happens.

This is a prestigious trip, so it don’t come cheap

$12,000

Intensive one-day aerial school with Taj Burrow

Taj Burrow: So, you want to ride the wild west? Let’s go. You’re gonna need to get a flight to Perth airport. If I can’t pick you up (I really do hate the three-hour Perth-Yalls drive) I’ll have a hire car ready and waiting for you. I’ll fax a map to the airport and it’ll explain every major turn and road required to get to my house. I’d suggest getting to my house around seven in the morning. You could do what Mark Phillippoussis did and his chick Alexis did a few months back and charter a plane from Perth to Margaret River. If you’re throwing down over 10 gees for a day of punting then a chartered plane probably isn’t such a big deal. I can do what  I did for the Poo and pick you up from the Margs airport. If this is your option, I’ll be driving the black F150. Look for the Yamaha FX140 attached to the back. Forget boards, I’ve got all the sticks you need.
You’ll ride in the passenger seat and I’ll throw on a mixed CD. If you arrived tomorrow, here’s what you’d be listening to: The Shins, Trick Daddy, Spoon, the Faint and my two favourites: Le Tigre and The Hives. I will have already checked the waves so we’ll go straight to one of my punting haunts. When we’re driving, I’ll call my old boy and he’ll meet us at the beach. Yup, you’re gonna get filmed and my old boy will cut you a little DVD of the day. He uses some wild fonts but his music choice and editing are as tight as it gets.
We’ll go launch the ski. I’ll need a little help – you’ll have to hold the ski at the ramp while I park the truck. Then, once we’re there, it’s a day of intensive air training. We’ll loop the break and I’ll point out the best kind of waves for punting. I’ll explain the importance of the wind in airs and prove to you that you can do airs without straps. We could paddle the break but you need to catch a lot waves in a short period and you need to learn the fundamentals. You will have tried 10 airs, at least, in the first hour. You couldn’t get that strike rate anywhere. By law, we’re supposed to be wearing lifejackets. You keep your lips sealed, so will I, okay? I mean, what kinda coit uses lifejackets in two-foot waves? I’ll show how to stand up behind the ski, I’ll show you how to power up the rope, I’ll show you when to let go and I’ll explain the best way to use your speed. I might even get Jake Paterson to come down to whip you into a couple (and maybe I can nail a couple of big spins too).
I’ll have water, wax and sunscreen on the ski but we might have to have a break for some grits. You may have had eight-hours sessions before but after a long tow session you’ll know the definition of fatigue. We’ll go back to my crib for lunch and maybe check a surf vid. All you’ll feel like doing is passing out but I’ll fix you up with a coffee/Quik mix and we’ll be back on it. I’ll probably make a few calls to see where the waves are happening and we’ll go hit it. If the caffeine doesn’t juice you up, I can do what we did with the Poo and tear into a late lunch at a local winery. I’ll pick up the tab, of course.

If we do hit the afternoon session, we’ll be more picky with waves. You’ll be tired, you’ll probably be sunburnt, so we’ll chase quality and I’ll do a little more talking to keep you riding til dusk. I’ll explain why I won’t let you ride with straps. I’ll show you why you can do higher airs when your foot isn’t right on the tail and I’ll give you a shot at whipping into a wave. You’ll be surprised that’s it not as easy as it looks.
If there’s a swell around, we’ll bolt to my place for a session on dark at my favourite barrelling right. No skis here, just the final milking of marrow from one of the best days ever.

Afterwards, we’ll sit on my porch, Corona in hand, with some chips and dip and reflect on the day. We might even go round to my parents and watch the footage. This would be the time I’d send you back to Perth but if you’re too toasted and you’re not a coit, I’ll put you in the downstairs room for the night. And if you’re especially cool, I’ll fire up the sauna and you can rest those bones. After a day of slaying, the sauna is as good as it gets.

“I’ll show how to stand up behind the ski, I’ll show you how to power up the rope, I’ll show you when to let go and I’ll explain the best way to use your speed. I might even get Jake Paterson to come down to whip you into a couple (and maybe I can nail a couple of big spins too).”