Stab Magazine | Julian Wilson Loses The World Title But Wins The Award For Best Sunglasses Of 1997
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Julian Wilson Loses The World Title But Wins The Award For Best Sunglasses Of 1997

A Week in the Greenroom: The post-Pipe edition. 

style // Dec 24, 2018
Words by Stab
Reading Time: 4 minutes

What a week in surfing. Yelling, tears, name calling, Kaipo trying to get an interview off Gabby’s Mum on the sand at Beach Park, etc.

Leading into the Pipe Masters this week, there were so many unanswered questions we were left pondering …

  • Will Filipe go big when the waves do? 
  • Can Julian overcome the Brazilian Storm to take the title? 
  • How many times does Keanu Asing need to win the Pipe Masters to requalify?
  • Is Brazil’s economy in so much trouble because they keep giving away cry for free?

Well Fil went (kinda?) big, and just like he’s still waiting for his 2nd wave in Round 2 of the Tahiti Pro, Jules is still waiting for his World Title. Keanu fell perilously short, needing only to win the contest 1.8 times to qualify and in case you missed it, yes Cry is actually free.

Put on your Oakley speed dealers and come and see what the World Title showdown looked like in the Pipeline edition of “A Week In The Greenroom.”

Follow The Green Room Times on Instagram here. 

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Michael Rodriguez and Tanner Hendrickson have today both debunked and reaffirmed cultural stereotypes, by proving that not all Brazilian surfers know BJJ while every Hawaiian surfer does.

The video of the two coming to blows has also highlighted that Brazilians really love Acai bowls and will fight to the death if you cause them to spill one.

The video was cut short as the cameraman did a reverse down the stairs.

Waking up in the morning and seeing the forecast for Pipe is 10-12ft but then you remember you went to Teahupoo this year and packed a closeout.

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The WSL, via commissioner Kieren Perrow have announced that both John Florence (a knee injury) and Kelly Slater (old age) will receive the “injury wildcard” for the 2019 WSL season. 

The announcement came as a disappointment to the third injured member of the 2018 CT, Caio Ibelli (ruptured tear duct), who vented his frustration via Instagram claiming that Kelly pulled out of the Keramas event; due to lack of calcium in his aging bones, and could’ve surfed the contest.

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It feels like this is a rule that the WSL would consider implementing.

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Julian Wilson may have been handed the runner’s up trophy at the recent Pipeline Masters but as a consolation prize he did walk away with the award for best sunglasses of 1997. Julian was looking pretty fly in a pair of what we think were vintage Oakley Eye Jackets, purchased by his team manager on a quick trip to the local 7/11.

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In Greenroom economic news, economists have been astounded by recent claims coming out of Brazil, that the cost of cry is now free. For years people believed that cry adhered to the basic economic theory of demand and supply but thousands of Brazilian theoretical economists on Instagram have proposed that cry, is actually free. 

It comes as wonderful news to people across the world who had been saving their cry, some even going into cry debt by taking out a crydit card to pay for their cry.

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WSL judges were reportedly spotted leaving the Weedmaps house on the North Shore, just moments before adjudicating the Jordy Smith vs Gabriel Medina Semifinal. This offers a hazy explanation as to why the judges scored the waves the way they did in that heat.

When asked for comment, an anonymous judge replied with, “Yeah can I get a double cheeseburger? Hold the pickles. And a big ol bottle of gatorade. Oh and some cheetos and maybe some chocolate too. Hah thanks man.”

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Having never surfed or skateboarded before, the Instagram models cameraman aka her boyfriend, has convinced her that a good sexy-boho-hippy-surfer girl look for her next post would be to grab his board and jump on a skateboard.

“But I can’t skate?”

“Don’t worry babe, no one will even notice that the skateboard isn’t moving.”

Despite not being able to successfully ride a board in either disciplines, the models comments section lit up with multiple iterations of “Yasssss”, raised hands emoji’s and “Such a babe” from either creepy dudes or other Instagram “models” who have 20k followers and a portfolio primarily made up of shots of themselves holding protein shakes or teeth whitening products (just use my promo code GREENROOM for 20% off). 

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As we saw competitors start to throw themselves into huge Pipe bombs, we also saw, or at least heard, a new trend occurring amongst the WSL commentary team, with the hip, cool, happening young commentators using the phrase “send it” whenever someone committed themselves over the ledge of a Pipe monster.

The word has replaced last years popular choice of “lit”, while Pottz is still on fleek, referring to big barrels as “cray”… to be fair to the commentary team, they may have had this word in their vocabulary all year, we just haven’t seen a wave of consequence over four foot all season that would allow any surfer to in fact, “send it”.

Stay woke commentary fam.

There was a stark contrast in excitement levels between fans supporting Julian (above) vs fans supporting Gabriel (below).  

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