Stab Magazine | Comments Of The Week, Edition 74

Comments Of The Week, Edition 74

If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.

style // Mar 21, 2017
Words by stab
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Here at Stab, we’re all for idealism, the dignity of pure research, and the pursuit of truth in all its forms. But we’re coming to a point where we’re beginning to suspect that the entire multidimensional infinity of the universe is almost certainly being run by a bunch of maniacs. And if it comes to a choice between spending yet another ten million years finding that out, and on the other hand just taking the money and running, then we for one could do with the exercise.



07. Michael Dunphy Searches For Paradise Three Times

“Dunphy calling Stab Offices
– Thanks Stab ya fuckwits. You put my clip up at the same time as Dane goes to jail and Mick basically does anything. Who the fuck is gonna watch it with those two articles up. Cheers!” — Striders Top Button



06. Here’s How Owen Wright’s First Heat Back Unfolded:

“anyone only just noticed the FUCKING HUGE 5-head Owen has!!! that forehead is an absolute solar panel! fuck me, his head’s probably got a higher literage than my groveller (48.9L ..7’6 Hypto) Maybe i’ve only just noticed because of the injury…poor cunt looks like he’s already rocking a gath helmet.

PS congrats on overcoming all odds etc etc etc” — Dads 7’6 Hypto Krypto

“also his cocks as big as my arm so ill just fucking drop it.” — Dads 7’6 Hypto Krypto > Dads 7’6 Hypto Krypto



05. Gabriel Medina’s Step-Father Charlie Has Been Suspended By The WSL

“This is the year when Gabby becomes Andy and John John becomes Kelly. Without the supervision of his boyfriend, Gabby will develop an alcohol dependency and John John’s hair will begin falling out leaving him with nothing but a clean image and a Hurley contract. Gabby will perish in a Guatemalan hotel room with a prolapsed arsehole and John John will continue to be a wet blanket that surfs good. WSL is available on NetFlix the end.” — Wiggolly’s Paddling Style



04. Kelly Slater Elaborates On His Call For A “Serious Shark Cull” On Reunion Island

“Feeling really fucked over right now. Like learning wiggs has been James b all along and I’ve been upvoting him” — dontneednochokebrain

“Na I hate that cunt.” — Wiggolly’s Paddling Style > dontneednochokebrain

“Upvoting you, but if I learn that you’re joiny, I’M going to feel really fucked over.” — Occ Topus > dontneednochokebrain




03. Dane Reynolds And Craig Anderson’s Former Is Alive

“How about a dedicated passport pocket in those shorts.” — Michael Newman



02. Dane Reynolds Held In Custody In Portugal

“He’s just sussing out the prison fashion scene for the Former launch.” — Noa’s last dart

“Fuck they took his shoe laces so he can’t even put his soap on a rope.” — Sunny Garcia’s cell mate > Noa’s last dart



01. Dane Reynolds Released From Custody In Portugal (And How It Happened)

“Drumpf got him out fast on a few conditions: (1) Make your clothes in the USA (2) power the factory with coal and (3) nothing too gay please.” — walter-r-white

“I pulled a few strings but I own his ass now. Look our for the new Drumpf wave pool in North Carolina with Dane Reynolds as mascot. I have also added Portugal to the travel ban just to show em who’s boss.” — Donald Drumpf’s Red Tie > walter-r-white


Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up


Most Recent

Pipe Preview: This Year Feels Different

With John and Gabs healthy — and the arrival of the femme next-gen — here’s…

Jan 29, 2023

WSL Tells Competitors: ‘You Better Like Them Apples’

Will mandating competitors to wear Apple Watches make the 2023 tour more or less engaging?

Jan 29, 2023

Stab Surfer of the Year: John John Florence, Italo Ferreira, Balaram Stack, Rolo Montes, and Shaun Manners

Day 9: "You can't do better than his year last year." - John John Florence

Jan 28, 2023

Full Moon Surfs, Impassable Puddles, And A Few Nights Spent Sleeping In A WSL Commentary Booth

A reader-submitted collection of nonconformist surf stories.

Jan 27, 2023

Kael Walsh Now Owns A Bitcoin, And Watched One Crypto Video

He’s officially your Stab Edit Of The Year champion.

Jan 27, 2023

Carissa Moore And Finn McGill Are Your 2023 Vans Triple Crown Of Surfing Champions 

They both pocket $50k and tickets to this year’s Vans Pipe Masters.

Jan 27, 2023


The Pick-Up, Presented By Vans, Episode 5

Mason Ho helps us ring in our final week on the North Shore.

Jan 27, 2023

Goofyfoot Brazilian World Champion Stars In Stab’s Biggest Board-Testing Franchise

Can you guess who?

Jan 26, 2023

Surf Community Rallies To Raise Funds For Eddie Winner And On-Duty Hawaiian Lifeguard Luke Shepardson

Because it's the right thing to do, of course.

Jan 26, 2023

Interview: Caity Simmers On Machete Wars, Rihanna, Personal Project Problems, And The Rise Of Female Surf Content. 

A toast to ‘Toasted.’

Jan 25, 2023

Stab Surfer of the Year: Creed McTaggart, Albee Layer, Laura Enever, Dane Guduaskas, and Selema Masekela

Day 8: "65 years young and charging just as hard as ever at Pipe, Backdoor,…

Jan 25, 2023

“I’m Not A Big Wave Guy”

How Kai Paula accidentally made his mark at Jaws three weeks after surfing it for…

Jan 24, 2023

Everyone Went.

A toes in the sand, phone in the lagoon account of the 10th Eddie Aikau…

Jan 24, 2023

Breaking: Another CT Rookie Injured Before First Event

Sophie McCulloch pulls out of Pipeline due to Snapper Rocks snafu.

Jan 23, 2023


Watch: ‘Toasted,’ By Caity Simmers

Your favorite surfer directs, edits, and stars in her first feature film. 

Jan 23, 2023

On-Duty North Shore Lifeguard Luke Shepardson Wins The Eddie Aikau

Local man prevails over 39 big-wave heavyweights at 29ft @ 19 seconds Waimea.

Jan 23, 2023

The Eddie Aikau Invitational Is On

Grab a beverage and enjoy surfing's Super Bowl Sunday

Jan 22, 2023

The Women’s CT Is About To See A Generational Shift 

Only three women have won a Title in the past 15 years. Here's why that's…

Jan 22, 2023