There Is Only One Man Who Can End The Invincible Season Of The Brazilian Storm

A Brazilian surfer has won every single CT event held at Duranbah in the past 10 years and that’s just a fact.

Their dominance is unquestionable and, at times, it seems permanent.

But there is one man capable of changing that. He’s an electrifying surfer from an island with a very rich history. Somebody who knows what it feels like to be a champion. A man whose hair cut has been a hot topic of late. He is the chosen one, the only person who can end this invincible summer of the Brazilian Storm.

Of course, we are talking about the UK’s own Russell Winter.

The former CT competitor and 2002 Newquay Boardmasters champion is exactly the salt of the earth we need to balance out all this spicy Latino pepper. Look for him to mount a Kenny Powers-esque comeback to professional surfing that will return the entire industry to its glory days of paying a bunch of people from outside surfing millions of dollars to come in and fuck literally everything up.

Come on Russ, let’s bring this shit back to Wall Street.

Until then, speed, power and flow.

#69 WSL Pure

The WSL looks like a bunch of hypocrites after their promotion of the Take 3 For The Sea initiative. If they were genuinely down for the cause and wanted to remove three pieces of trash from the beach as efficiently as possible, they would just cancel this new Round 2.

#21 Ryan Callinan, Jack Freestone, Jesse Mendes, Ricardo Christie and Ace Buchan

Nice guys don’t finish last. They finish 17th.

#15 Jadson Andre

Didn’t start his campaign off on the right foot, but he should still be recognized as a contender for that #1 spot at the end of the year.*

#12 Wade Carmichael

My obsession with the Australian Storm will not fade away and I am not alone. Hip hop sensation Lil Terio (of Lil Terrio fame) even recorded a hype video for him. “Ohhhh kill em, Wade. Ohhh, kill em.”

#11 Kelly Slater

He blamed his loss on a lack of hunger — which is a classic symptom of drinking impure water. Gonna need to filter the chemtrails out if he’s going to find the podium this year.

Anyway, if this really is his last lap, surf fans need to step the fuck up. In most sports, the greats are showered with love and gifts when they play their last game in every arena — and that’s coming from the fans of opposing teams.

If you live in an area close to a CT event and you don’t show up on the beach, kneel at his feet, kiss them and give him an offering then you’re a poser. Go buy some Hollister shit. Asshole.

#9 Seth Moniz

Griffin Colapinto’s success is thought to have fired Kolohe Andino up. Now I think Seth’s success will fire Griffin up, which will fire Kolohe up more, which will fire John John up more, which will fire Kelly up more, which won’t matter because Gabriel is probably just going to win again this year anyway.  

#6.9 Mikey Wright

Mostly for unlocking number 69 from the WSL. It appears as though he had to use the backdoor to get it done, which can get messy, but it’s all good as long as everything comes together in the end. 

#5 Kolohe Andino

Must suck to know that he definitely would have won if he would have just set the alarm for 3:20 AM instead of 3:30 like a homeless person.

#3 Gabriel Medina and Filipe Toledo

According to our recent investigation, the best surfer in the water is the one whose dad is having the most fun not raising their child. These guys both have a father and a stepfather, respectively, who love them unconditionally unless they lose a heat.

Getting 5th and 9th in waves like this should be considered a shocker to both of them.

#2 Being angry at the WSL

The CT feels so fresh right now. All of a sudden, guys like Jordy and Julian seem like the old veterans (see Vietnam) and everything is exciting.

That said, being angry at the WSL for spending lots of money to bring us a free product that nobody is forcing us to watch is the hottest thing in surfing right. No matter what your creed, race, gender, sexuality, whether or not you ride a Haydenshapes, etc, it’s the one thing that brings us all together and we should celebrate that.

#1 Italo Ferreira

He is so dominant above the lip because airs technically bring you closer to people who live in the sky (Jesus). Getting high has long been considered a reliable way to get closer to God, but whether you get blessed by him or kissed by him all depends on the individual.

Slater Playbook

Still too early to take action, but he should get a wave pool tour ready to pitch to Dirk Ziff by Bali.

Should Have Stormed The Tower Award

Conner Coffin after that the heat against John John.

Conspiracy theory of event

Wetsuits are made of petroleum byproducts and it looks like big oil is pulling the strings here.

Medina is a city in Saudi Arabia, the oil-rich fundamentalist Islamist dictatorship where Osama Bin Laden was born. If you think it’s a coincidence that he’s the first goofy footed (male) World Champ since the Saudis cut the season short and handed CJ Hobgood World Title after 9/11 in 2001 then it’s time to open your eyes.

Meditation of the event

Mine would be a light blue hard-cover binder of harassing letters I sent to Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Russel Winter, Tom Brady, etc for thinking that they might be the greatest athlete of all time. (Occy is)

*On the QS