Stab Magazine | The Logistics Of Pirating A Wave During A WSL Event
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The Logistics Of Pirating A Wave During A WSL Event

Possibly nude*

news // Mar 27, 2017
Words by Brendan Buckley
Reading Time: 4 minutes

This idea has three parents. Each of them are moments.

Moment 1: Snapper Rocks, the wave, a day before the Quik Pro. The lineup is filled with people of all age, race, religion, and thruster. Half the CT is warming up and the vibe, in general, would best be described by stating that it felt like most individuals would go back in time and invest years in studying lethal combat in order to decimate the necks of every other being in order to get a wave that might allow one (1) mediocre turn.

Moment 2: Snapper Rocks, the beach, during the second day of the Quik Pro. It’s firing. There are two people in the lineup, both in WSL jerseys. Many waves that would allow three (3) barrels and seven (7) turns are going unridden.

Moment 3: Rainbow Bay Surf Club that evening. A hairy band covers AC/DC’s Thunderstruck. Coincidentally, a bolt of genius explodes from the bottom of a beer jug.

Screen Shot 2017 03 27 at 12.29.27 PM

Just go snag one, yeah? It won’t be hurting anybody.

What if you went rogue and caught a wave during the middle of a WSL event? What would happen? Could you get in trouble?

Let’s establish two things before we dive any deeper.

– If you interfere with the heat at all, you are an asshole.
– You have to surf good in order to pull this off. Not respectable. Good. The wave you plunder would have to be at least a 4.5 on the CT scale – excellent range for the common man. Anything south of a 3 and you are an asshole.

Ok? Ok.

Screen Shot 2017 03 27 at 12.28.07 PM

Just take your pick. Then ride to freedom (aka Kirra).

Now, let’s talk about how it could work.

Snapper is the ideal venue. Everywhere else would be weird or unnecessary. WA, Bells, Rio, France and Portugal? Weird. Fiji, Tahiti, J-Bay? Unnecessary — amazing, but you can get waves at all of them without being a pirate. Lowers is a soft maybe. At Pipe, your face would get very punched.

So let’s roll with Snapper.

The game plan would be simple: Paddle out at Froggies. Slide over when you see a set coming — you’ve gotta be fast. Get a wave, then disappear into the crowd at Greenmount and surf all the way down to Kirra. You win. 

Screen Shot 2017 03 27 at 12.29.17 PM

You want this? Go take it. I dare you.

Now let’s talk logistics. I hit the WSL and asked them what would happen if someone attempted this. The chance of water patrol acting on you was described as “likely.” But, consider this: There were three jetskis in the water on the Gold Coast and each of them had a purpose to serve. They’d have to neglect that purpose in order to deal with you. Plus, they really gonna send all that wake through the lineup in the middle of a set? And what are they going to do, run you over? If so, suddenly you’re on the right side of a lawsuit.

Speaking of lawsuits…

If you jump onto a football field during a game, that’s private property. You’re trespassing. The ocean is a different story. In Australia, you’d be in a zone legally described as “Coastal Waters,” which are controlled by the state. According to the League, the extent of the permit’s change with each venue, as does the potential of legal repercussions.

Screen Shot 2017 03 27 at 12.29.48 PM

Would anyone even notice? Well yes, but that’s not the point.

Vagueness, let’s assume, is weakness. You can get away with this shit.

Now let’s be real.

You’d almost have to do it nude. Paint a giant 69 on your back (the WSL refuses to let anyone surf with this number, prudes) and rip in. Sure, you’re opening a whole new legal can of worms here — but think about it. Some naked dude rolling through a Round 2 heat half-drunk, packing tubes, laying into some cock-slapping hacks in front of a flustered crowd of thousands?

Screen Shot 2017 03 27 at 12.28.40 PM

This is an actual wave that broke through the contest area, unridden, during the Roxy Pro. Look at it.

A reminder of the fact that there was a special time in surfing — after it was the sport of kings and before it was a sport of jocks — when it was the sport of rebels and delinquents. One last burst of butane escaping from a weathered lighter before it is taken away by someone wearing a fucking lanyard.

We all got involved in this for good times and freedom.

So yeah, maybe it’s a brazen act of unchecked stupidity. Maybe it’s just the brazen act of unchecked stupidity that surfing needs.

Screen Shot 2017 03 27 at 12.28.18 PM

A subtle form of modern torture.

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