Surfline Power-Rankings

Now that the at-times-bitter dust of Billabong’s Rio event has had time to settle,Surfline asked Stab editor and co-founder, Derek Rielly, to construct a list of power-rankings and justification for each. Head over to Surfline and view ’em by clicking the link below. Here’s a few choice cuts:

#1 Dane Reynolds: “…But time and metabolism wait for no man. Play the Kerouac bohemian and it’s cute, for a while. Ain’t so cute when you can’t tie your shoelaces or when fat-ass don’t fit sample size. Or when those frontside slobs get a whiff of lazy about ’em.”

#4 Kelly Slater: “Kelly’s 20-year record of athletic excellence and dominance of surfing will remain in place until the earth cooks itself and the seas rise and every last human is smited by the suave motherfucker upstairs. Don’t you tell me otherwise.”

#6 Adriano De Souza: “Tears! Orgiastic flag-waving! The lion-hearted Brazilian rising above the entrenched racist mindset of the Aussie/American/European power structure! And, at home no less! My feelings toward the shortest man on tour waver with each contest. At Snapper and at Bells, I found him oddly electric, but in Brazil? At home? Let me put it this way: If I wanted to watch a self-congratulatory, conservative performance, I’d turn on Glenn Beck.”

#13 Bobby Martinez: “…A voluptuous thunder of blood exploded in Martinez’s head and he did more than his usual rewrite of up, down, up, down, cutback. Was he driven by anger? Ambition? Hatred of a system that, despite what his pals and his own head might be telling him, adores everything he does and is. What a reminder of how good you are, dear Bobby.”