We promise this won’t (really) hurt.

Wanna win a new surfboard? We have a custom Chilli ‘Black Vulture’ to gift (plus all the trim you’d expect from a premium dealer). To be in the running, just answer a few questions for us. It won’t take long.

Close READER POLL 2017
We promise this won't (really) hurt.

Wanna win a new surfboard? We have a custom Chilli ‘Black Vulture’ to gift (plus all the trim you’d expect from a premium dealer). To be in the running, just answer a few questions for us. It won’t take long.

Here’s What You Should Know About The Quik Pro France

You love previews? Everybody loves previews.

Our beloved Dooma Fahrenfort gave you the web’s best breakdown on how to pick ponies for the Quiksilver Pro France. It was great. It was speculative. It was based off (brilliant) opinion, not fact. And so I figured it’d be nice to it supplement his words with something of a preview.

I am here in France. Going on closeouts. Drinking wine. Eating baguettes. Not eating snails. Drawing obtuse patterns in the sand with my footwork based off the locations of topless women. All the cliches are true. I will be providing you with boots on the ground, dick out coverage from the entire 2017 Quiksilver Pro France. So with potential for the contest to start tomorrow, here’s an intro.

In the past few years, the contest has been held a kilometer or two north of Hossegor’s prized hen, La Graviere. When it’s on, La Grav is its own beast. There’s an outer canyon that funnels swell in and thrusts it toward the sand with the power of a thousand hips. But, she’s moody — so the Quik Pro usually runs at a different bank to milk it through the tides. However, with sub-par sand up the beach this year, we’re back at La Grav for 2017. On the smaller days, it might not be quite as good for high-performance surfing — remember Filipe’s 10 last year? — but if the conditions align, there’ll be some fucking grandiose tubes.

There’s been a pretty big one lurking around just next-door in Capbreton. It hasn’t bit anyone yet though which means it’s a pussy.

The French word for beach is plage. I am not talking about beaches. I am talking about plagues. Europe is not only known for its castles but also for having some of the world’s greatest plagues. The bubonic plague, for example, was memorable for a number of reasons. Anyway, some damn swine flu has been getting around this week and taking people down left and right. Before making any last adjustments to your team, consider facial structure to determine who might have the weakest immune system — choose a strong, robust mug like that of Bede Durbidge. And don’t be startled when you hear some post-heat interviews that sound like Pancho Sullivan. I miss Pancho Sullivan.

Right now? It’s interesting. This weekend will have decent-sized swell with good conditions — it’d be surprising if at least a few heats of the Quik or Roxy Pro don’t dive in. Beyond that, Wednesday - Friday could be superb. Big, burly and groomed just right. The North Atlantic is an unpredictable beast, but we could be looking at something memorable.

According to folklore, a lot of the World Tour babies are born in July. Subtract 9 months from July and you’re in October — you’re in France. People get over here and just start hammering away at each other like a bunch of endangered yaks. Maybe this year, Julian and Ashley will spawn a new Jesus or at the very least one of the judges will try to inseminate an 80% committed cutback.

The Real Race
People like to talk about the World Title race as if it’s life and death. Well, guess what folks — Taj Burrow is still alive. The real life and death race here is the one for re-qualification. With only three events left in the 2017 season, a few heats separate the CT’s bottom 10 from having a marketing person whom they thought was their friend lie to their faces and say that next year’s budget is “zapped.” If you’re having a hard time figuring out who to root for and against, just think about who you’d rather have install the new shingles on your roof.

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