Gabriel Medina Rushed The Judges’ Tower Today

“My Ethiopian child had a baby!” roared a girl named Llaaaaanna on the smoking balcony of the Rainbow Bay Surf Club, overlooking the road that leads to the Quik Pro at Snapper Rocks. Prior to this she roared “LLoorrry” at Rory Parker while giving him the most awkward hug I’ve ever witnessed.  

She had just botched her hand rolled cigarette. The tobacco pierced through an obviously pregnant mess of a bowling pin. 

She was enamored with the fact I was American, and from “Cali,” nonetheless. Under her upper lip hung a bullring, pierced through her gums. Dangling above her two front teeth. Very dangerous in a variety of situations, including but not limited to brushing her teeth before falling asleep. 

That wasn’t the first thing that happened while “covering” the Quik Pro today, but possibly the most humorous. 

This morning was hot, by midday a hellscape. 

The sun battered down on my sunburnt skin; walking around the event site I was a lobster amongst crabs. Hardly a good look. 

The waves started off slow and big and gurgly and anything but attractive. But, by the end of the day, it was proper Snapper. Enjoyable viewing – especially from the air-conditioned haven of the Surf Club, massaging a cold beer.  

The Quik Pro Gold Coast is the best event on the CT for a spectator. The beach is full of piss drunk beautiful idiots. Gorgeous girls wearing near nothing, oiled up beefcakes wearing much the same, grotesque men in Mick Fanning jerseys littering the sand. Men kicked soccer balls back and forth in the middle of a packed crowd, apparently unaware that just 100 yards down the beach there was nothing but open space.  

The number of spots to watch the contest with an adult beverage in hand is baffling (we don’t get this in America). There are cold beers at the Quik Lounge, cold beers on the Corona Balcony, cold beers at the surf club. Cold beers for everyone! 

Plus, the things you’ll overhear Aussies say at a World Tour event on the Gold Coast is pure comedy. 

“What a big day on the piss!” shouted a blonde man not watching surfing.  

“Watch out for that sun it’s got a sting,” shouted the event commentator to an unaware crowd.  

“I thought he was drunk and rambling, but I but he was actually speaking another language!” slurred another 20-something. 

To which, I thought, “Holy fuck it’s hot,” as I drank another Balter Beer in the shade. Which was almost useless, in terms of heat… until you stepped back into the sun. 

The Gold Coast is an incredible and frustrating place to be a surfer. You can walk through D Bah, Froggies, Snapper, Little Marley, Greenmount and Kirra in a matter of 15 minutes. You can paddle out at Little Marley during the event and surf the sandbars down to the world famous Kirra point in a single session… and while doing so, get burned by surf craft ranging from sponge to SUP to log to mid-length to hydrofoil to fish. 

The NRA would say: The waves don’t kill people, people kill people. 

I didn’t make my way down to the actual contest until midday, after hearing that Gabriel Medina was storming the judges’ tower. I’d just returned from a surf, put on the first shirt I could find, and jammed from our cozy cottage on Eden Street to the Quik Pro – a sweaty three minute strut. I missed the altercation. But from what what I was told, Michael Wright had beaten Gabs, Gabs was upset, the judges presumably learned how to say “fuck you” in Portuguese and it was all presumably entertaining. 

Let’s talk surfing.

First off, word on the left side of the road is Michael Wright has not had a drink in a year. He’s a weapon. A surfing razor blade. If I were gay I’d be fairly attracted to the bad boy. He is a very good surfer. After dropping JJF in the second round and following up with his performance today he is officially “World Tour Material.” 

Mick Eugene Fanning lost. He is out of the first of his last two events. When he got to the sand, he gave the luckiest grom this side of the equator his board – fins, leash and all. Hopefully said grom made it home unscathed. 

Griffin Colapinto is California’s Luke Skywalker – our new hope! He airdropped into the best barrel of the day. He was riding Kolohe Andino’s surfboard. He beat Joel at his home break. He’s the best chance California has had at a World Title since, umm, Kolohe Andino.

Julian Wilson, despite announcing he wouldn’t surf Snapper due to his shoulder injury, is proving why he’s a consistent title contender. He can barely paddle, but boy can the new daddy surf. 

Filipe Toledo flipped his Holy Toledo. He’s the best non-Aussie surfer at Snapper Rocks. That is a fact. 

Now, let’s talk cute. 

There are a lot of dogs on the Goldie. They’re beautiful and different than dogs in America. They’re boxier, stronger, sexier, friendlier. They’re essentially products of everything that makes Australians so attractive to the people under Donny T’s reign of fire and fury. 

The girls know just as, or almost, as much about surfing as the men. 

And the bathroom at the surf club sells condoms for two dollars.  

For what happened in the rest of the event, go watch the heat analyzer. 

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Round 3 Results:

Heat 1: Owen Wright (AUS) 14.50 def. Willian Cardoso (BRA) 9.04
Heat 2: Mick Fanning (AUS) 11.67 def. Conner Coffin (USA) 7.37
Heat 3: Tomas Hermes (BRA) 12.40 def. Kolohe Andino (USA) 9.60. 
Heat 4: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 14.60 def. Italo Ferreira (BRA) 13.70
Heat 5: Adrian Buchan (AUS) 13.36 def. Jeremy Flores (FRA) 13.10 
Heat 6: Mikey Wright (AUS) 16.07 def. Gabriel Medina (BRA) 14.90
Heat 7: Julian Wilson (AUS) 7.30 def. Michael February (ZAF) 7.10
Heat 8: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 15.26 def. Frederico Morais (PRT) 11.10
Heat 9: Griffin Colapinto (USA) 13.50 def. Joel Parkinson (AUS) 12.94 
Heat 10: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 15.07 def. Wade Carmichael (AUS) 13.60 
Heat 11: Michel Bourez (PYF) 12.50 def. Connor O’Leary (AUS) 6.43 
Heat 12: Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 15.00 def. Jordy Smith (ZAF) 14.40

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Round 4 Results:

Heat 1: Owen Wright (AUS) 17.00, Tomas Hermes (BRA) 11.20, Mick Fanning (AUS) 10.43
Heat 2: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 15.70, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 14.60, Mikey Wright (AUS) 11.20
Heat 3: Julian Wilson (AUS) 15.97, Griffin Colapinto (USA) 13.83, Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 11.67
Heat 4: Michel Bourez (PYF) 13.97, Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 13.83, Adriano de Souza (BRA) 13.53

Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast Quarterfinal Matchups:

QF 1: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
QF 2: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Tomas Hermes (BRA)
QF 3: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Michael Rodrigues (BRA)
QF 4: Michel Bourez (PYF) vs. Griffin Colapinto (USA)

Roxy Pro Gold Coast Semifinal Matchups: 

Heat 1: Lakey Peterson (USA) vs. Malia Manuel (HAW)
Heat 2: Sally Fitzgibbons (AUS) vs. Keely Andrew (AUS)