Stab Magazine | Big Dick Power Surfer’s 2020 Predictions

Big Dick Power Surfer’s 2020 Predictions

Crystal ball or crystal meth? You decide!

news // Jan 27, 2020
Words by BDPS
Reading Time: 3 minutes

I have a significant amount of experience in predicting the future. 

Some people claim to access a metaphysical realm in which time melts away, allowing them to experience the deep past or distant future as if it were the present moment. Others say they have the ability to read the stars. 

Me? Oh, I have a gambling addiction. 

On any given Tuesday night, I might be gambling on archery, dog racing or women’s basketball. Never be too proud. There is no thrill like that of watching a German handballing bet pull through in the closing minutes. Very arousing.  

At the end of the start of a new year, I decided it was time to use my clairvoyant virility to give you a preview of what 2020 will surely bring.

Gabriel Medina Will Come Out With Some New Grabs 

Talented as he may be, Gabriel has a way of making a 6-foot alley-oop look mechanical. He appears to be more focused on dominating other men, so to speak, rather than making things look pretty. However, leaked footage out of Brazil has shown his offseason training regimen and he appears to have a pep in his step as he works on some new grabs. More to come. 

The Hurley Logo Will Become Emblematic Of A Violent American Fascist Revolution 

This will begin in Orange County — a place renowned for large pickup trucks, many of which are already adorned with Hurley stickers. In the fire of the 2020 elections, an uprising will be born. Much like the swastika, an eastern symbol of prosperity, was adopted by the Nazis, a series of misunderstandings and a few wrong-place-wrong-time 2016 Tacomas will lead to the )( becoming adopted by the forthcoming violent revolution. And becasue the brand cleaned house, nobody will be there to stop it. 

Michel Bourez won’t be there to physically restrain people. Brett Simpson won’t be there to diffuse the situation with laughter. Ace Buchan won’t be there to use his beautiful eyes and kind, trustworthy demeanor to talk sense into them. Rob Machado won’t be there to light incense and do absolutely nothing. So who are we left with? 



Makes you think.



Kelly Slater Will Win* 

*An online argument with a portly stranger in regard to the shape of the earth. 

The WSL Will Single-Handedly Reverse Climate Change 

People say that the world’s climate has already changed. So if you reverse it back to where it was before, wouldn’t it still technically qualify as climate change? On that note, I’d like to be the first to congratulate the WSL on being a major contributor to climate change. 


Kai Lenny Will Sign With Extreme Restraints, The Most Trusted Name In BDSM Gear Since 2002  

Not one to shy away from a non-endemic dollar, Kai is a natural fit for the brand as he knows that a good set of straps can take things to the next level. In related news, Michael Rodriguez will sign with LELO because he is a dildo. 

Matthew McGillivray Will Replace Wade Carmichael As The Next Dan Ross And Frederico Morais Will Replace Leonardo Fioravanti As The Next Marlon Lipke 

If this sentence makes any amount of sense to you, I sincerely apologize. Think about all the more useful things your brain could have been filled with. You probably let your parents down and should live in a fog of constant shame. 

Erik Logan

CEO Derrick Logan Will Use The Law Of Attraction To Manifest The WSL’s Future As A Financially Successful And Globally Respected Mainstream Sports League 

Through positive affirmations, full moon ceremonies and visualization techniques, Derrick will harness the power of the universe to lead the league to a spiritual rebirth. Of course, in a few years, it will be revealed as a Ponzi scheme as the FCC cracks down on number smudging in media and the empire comes tumbling down like Enron except for people who still wear trucker hats. 

Big Dick Power Surfer Will Be Sued By And/Or Physically Removed From The 2020 Olympic Games In Tokyo 

At the start of a new year, it is important to take time to reflect on where you are in life and where you want to be. Use this as a reminder to focus on the things that matter. Have a good year, everyone.



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