Teahupoo is ground Zero for Ludicrous Surfing Stunts!

Words by Ali Klinkenberg

Are you bored of watching elite surfers with perfect technique getting barrelled in perfect waves? Me too. Thanks be to god that we live in a time of overpopulation and disposable marketing dollars! Lose one in the drink? Never mind, there’s plenty of other cute logger gals, petrol heads, or sandy haired Californian boys to take their place. My Dad went to school with a boy named Wayne Michaels. He was a shy and weedy child, and in all aspects, seemingly unremarkable. He subsequently became a stuntman, and executed the stunt in Goldeneye which saw him attach himself to the railings and dive headfirst off a 100 foot dam. It was voted the best movie stunt of all time. The moral of the tale? Be weary of the shy boy at the back of the class vacantly staring out the window. Next thing you know he could be segwaying into the tube at Teahupoo with a birthday cake on his head!

Somewhere in the world, at some point in time, a marketing manager decided that it’d be a good idea to have motocrosser Robbie Maddison ride his dirt bike at Teahupoo (watch above for the clip that sparked this trip down absurdity lane). Logistically, the bike’s fitted out with planes on each wheel to allow a small portion of tire in the water, the perpetual motion of which works like a miniature, high-speed paddle steamer and shoots the bike forward. Robbie literally rode off The End Of The Road, before ripping through the Chopesian lineup into a left or two – the second of which puts him in a rather unideal situation.

Blindfolded Bruce Irons at Teahupoo. We started this silliness! Well, we certainly played a modest part. The idea was to prove that the best tuberiders in the world have a deft touch that’s obtained by repeating a set of movements, in this case pulling into Teahupoo on your backhand, until it’s instinctual. If it’s instinctual, then it can still be practiced with one of the key senses obscured! It took Brucey a few swings, but he eventually made the drop, scooped under the lip, and travelled through a substantial wave with his back to the wall – sans vision. Point proven.

Kolohe Andino chipping and pinning behind the Teahupoo curtain. If anyone other than Morgan Freeman was narrating this ad, then I wouldn’t believe that Kolohe Andino was able to order and pay for Pizza whilst getting barrelled at Teahupoo. But Lucius Fox is an honest man! A phone call, a tap, pizza for all your chums. Perfect.

Kelia Moniz, a hefty nudge on an ill-suited vessel. Kelia Moniz is truly the leader of one of the most charming factions of surf. If we’re completely honest, this feat was doomed from the start. But every song has an ending, and that’s no reason not to enjoy the music! And nothing quite sings like a spectacularly contrived wipeout! Bravo Kelia, you’re brightening an otherwise beige game.

Jamie O’Brien, the human torch. Either JOB’s spent so much time in the tube that it’s turned his brain into a prune, or, he’s totally bored with surfing. The interesting thing about JOB’s career projection is when he’s going to do himself real physical harm. Riding foam surfboards at Pipeline hasn’t done it, yet, and setting himself on fire and towing into 10 foot Teahupoo didn’t either. Watch this space, sadistic surf nuts…

Bodhi and Johnny Utah, tandem surf buddies. Laurie Towner was the original Pointbreak surf stunt double for Johnny Utah, but the Hollywood devils damn near killed him! Enter one Brucey Irons, Teahupoo’s number one gun for hire! Thankfully, no one was hurt in take two, and Bruce and Dylan Longbottom’s shared wave at the close… that was worth the admission ticket alone. If you want the ultimate, then you’ve got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. Just make sure that you’re suitably insured.