Stab Magazine | The Stab Guide To Fitness

Live now: How Surfers Get Paid, Season Finale

1415 Views

The Stab Guide To Fitness

Words by Tom Fjord… Don’t look at Stab like that. What, it’s lame to look after the physical form? Maybe stressing your fitness ain’t so cool. But a ragged has-been who falls apart at 40 and can’t surf, youth’s sweet ink stretching with his flaccid cellulite ‘til it’s illegible, bent and bitter and sputtering… that […]

style // Jan 11, 2018
Words by stab
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Words by Tom Fjord…

Don’t look at Stab like that. What, it’s lame to look after the physical form?

Maybe stressing your fitness ain’t so cool. But a ragged has-been who falls apart at 40 and can’t surf, youth’s sweet ink stretching with his flaccid cellulite ‘til it’s illegible, bent and bitter and sputtering… that ain’t so cool, either.

Mike Ho is cool. Brother Andino is cool. Surfing better, looking and feeling fine for the ages — that’s cool. So put your weapons down and let’s live good, yeah?

This is Stab’s primer on adequate fitness and the joys thereof. Pick your activity and tune up, because baby, you’re worth it!

_________

Cycling

ELLIS

Ellis Ericson.

OK, one, bikes are hipper than high-waist jeans right now. Two, petrol cost is higher than high-waist jeans right now. Three… ever seen a surfer’s legs? Spindly pipes wouldn’t even fill out some high-waist jeans right now.

So pedal, man! Do hills and sprints for power and that savory cardio burn. Plus, redwood thighs that make above-knee trunks nearly tear at the seams. Look at you!

See, the surf body tends to diminish as it nears the ground: strong up top, weak down low — and low is where the power for Occ-turns comes from. Cyclists’ bodies are the opposite. Maybe there’s opportunity here.

_________

 

Core Stuff

Core. CORE! Laird Hamilton’s bedroom safe word. Indeed, “slamming one’s core” sports a bit of a jock connotation. Stab must agree.

But get past the fitness mags and yogilates and you’ve got a pretty worthy concept: buffing up your central musculature helps twist through carves, stave off back pain, and turn your whole torso into a chiseled pillar of iron and capitalism.

There’s full Kama Sutras’ worth of positions to help with this but you can go far just with various planks in your living room when no one’s around. Yoga’s good too. Embrace the core!

_________

Crossfit

Julian Wilson.

Julian Wilson.

Exercise trend of the decade, f’sure. Militaristic self-abuse in just 20 minutes a day. Hot both with average chubs who want a transformation and athletes seeking pleasure in pain.

Here’s the cheat sheet: heavy weight-lifts and movements done fast and hard. The workouts don’t last long but the hurt does. If y’want explosive strength and power, and are short on time, and love the smell of napalm in the morning, then by all means have a go. Stab warns, though: the Crossfit mascot is a clown called Pukie, depicted spewing from exertion. We sorta prefer a good surf, ourselves.

_________

Paddleboarding

Joel Parkinson.

Joel Parkinson.

Y’may rightly regard this quasi-sport as the worst bits of surfing all distilled and extended, like a morning after with no one-night stand. Like a chair lift with no ski run. Like golf with no hole.

But in surfing the best paddlers catch the most waves, and you want to be that. Plus they get that wide V-shaped super bod chicks want to writhe under.

So sure, pass if there’s swell on — but when it’s flat? Paddleboarding just might be your gig.

_________

Stand-Up Paddleboarding

Not now.

_________

Running

Kelly Slater.

Kelly Slater.

Stab’s gotta say, there’s something primal about just up and running the fuck outta there, wherever it is. No equipment, no partner, no body of water required. Just float through the streets blasting Stillmatic while office-bound donut fiends look on with spite and envy. Good for the heart, too.

That’s the upside. On the other hand, running totally sucks.

_________

Pumping Iron

Nat Young, not quite pumping iron.

Nat Young, not quite pumping iron.

Near-exclusively the work of men who wanna look hot naked. Now, Stab ain’t judge nor jury, so if that’s your goal, pump away.

But we will humbly propose that a surfer who doesn’t look good nude either isn’t surfing enough, is overly generous to his local Maccas, or is cursed with most pitiful genetics and should pen a stern memo to his folks. Iron is the extreme solution.

Defenders of the gym will cry “strength,” but honey, deadlifting crazy plates is a recipe for tight, tired muscles that don’t wanna surf later. Or the next day. Or the next three days if you lift heavy. For strength try chin-ups in a park and push-ups in the grass. Bodyweight squats and plyometrics for the legs. But when your training holds back your surf sessions you’ve officially jumped the rails.

_________

Swimming

A Gray, Wassell, Doz, Dunfee.

A Gray, Wassell, Doz, Dunfee.

Swimming’s bad for no man, but it’s an absolute must for one particular sort: The tortured soul living hours from a coast, who doesn’t surf often but wants to keep tuned for when the chance arrives.

To such a man Stab says: Swim. Swim like your unborn kids on their first egg hunt. It’s the best physical approximation for surfing, gets you in the water, works the whole unit, and won’t blast your joints like running or land sports. Y’know Curren used to swim hard back in his prime? And Clay Marzo was a state champ? And Kolohe put in daily laps for his ankle rehab last year? Swim.

_________

Yoga

Dave Rastovich.

Dave Rastovich.

So good for your surfing and general quality of life that it ought be state mandated.

But beyond the ample benefits to body and mind…y’ever been to a yoga class? Y’ever seen so many fit, healthy gals, skin out, panting and contorted? Short of a swingers party this is truly your best chance. Believe the hype.

Wanna see king-of-zen Dave Rastovich’s entire yoga routine? Roll over here.

_________

Surfing

Ah, this mahfakka. Do we even gotta? Already you surf more than your strained relations and flagging on-job performance would suggest is responsible, right? Keep truckin’, tiger. Too much is never enough.

Surfing. More benefits than can be listed here. Fights acne and ugliness. Strong back and shoulders. Vitamin D from the sun. No sweating. And never before hath exercise been so cleverly masked as pure hedonic fun.

John John Florence, first surf back from injury. Reckon that ankle healed up from JJ sitting on the couch? Na-ah! Photo: LaserWolf

John John Florence, first surf back from injury. Reckon that ankle healed up from JJ sitting on the couch? Na-ah! Photo: LaserWolf

Go on now, there’s a million ways to complement your surf habit with pleasurable motion. Explore them! For the modern gent who both enjoys and looks after himself.

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

Long Read: Pete Beachy Is No Bore 

The life and times of an off-the-grid Alaskan surf pioneer who claims to cure cancer.

Mar 26, 2023

Watch: ‘Haiku’

Scenes From a Remote Reality, by Vans & Karina Rozunko

Mar 25, 2023

Sun Room: The Overnight Success Of A Young Surf Band

What's it like touring the world and living off of McDonald's?

Mar 25, 2023

How Surfers Get Paid, Episode 6

An instructional manual for the modern professional surfer

Mar 23, 2023

7:03

Caity Simmers — Extreme Competitive Surf Vlogger

Cool is chemical.

Mar 23, 2023

Globe Pulls Out Of The Apparel Game

…and, Taj Burrow and Dion Agius are now looking for new main sponsors.

Mar 22, 2023

Owen Wright Announces Retirement From Competitive And Heavy-Water Surfing

But will surf final CT event at Bells.

Mar 22, 2023

29:05

Fancy An Ale, Some Good Music, And A Bunch Of Tubes?

Ballet's minimalist full-length will satiate your needs.

Mar 22, 2023

João Chianca Spent Seven Years On The QS Without A Sponsor

And look where he is now.

Mar 22, 2023

Take Stab’s 2023 Audience Survey, Win A 3-Board Quiver

Stab towels and Premium subscriptions also up or grabs.

Mar 21, 2023

Jessi Miley Dyer On The New Challenger Series Schedule And More

Did you know that you could miss the mid-year cut and still theoretically win the…

Mar 20, 2023

5:05

Don’t Miss The Last Wave Of The First 2023 SEOTY Entry

Jacob Willcox's ‘Into Dust’ just set the bar.

Mar 20, 2023

Warren Smith on New Welcome Rivers Range and Buying Jaguars on Facebook Marketplace  

Now available in the Antipodes...

Mar 20, 2023

5:13

Wavegarden Spills How The Sausage Is Made

BTS of their global air wave rollout ft. Yago Dora, Dion Agius, Reef Heazlewood and…

Mar 18, 2023

Minds, Machines, And The Magic Of Hands

How modern shapers split their time between designing files and hand-finishing boards.

Mar 18, 2023

3:31

Are Hectic Lefts The Final Finless Frontier?

William Aliotti is on the right-foot-forward fringes.

Mar 17, 2023

Watch: Luke + Eddie

A mostly unknown, on-duty lifeguard won the most prestigious big-wave event in history. How Luke…

Mar 17, 2023

7:10

A Pipe Master, Ryan Burch, And Some Pickle Forks On The Eastern Seaboard

This one ticks a lot of boxes

Mar 16, 2023
Advertisement