Stab Magazine | The Pros And Cons Of Crucifying 11-Time World Champion Kelly Slater

The Pros And Cons Of Crucifying 11-Time World Champion Kelly Slater

Speed Power Flow: A think piece.

style // May 4, 2019
Words by Big Dick
Reading Time: 5 minutes

Kelly Slater has long been regarded as Jesus of the surf.

He saved surfing from Damien Hardman, just like how Jesus saved a bunch of people from a boring wedding when he turned water into wine. But while Jesus was a renowned carpenter, it appears Kelly has lost his ability to build a solid foundation in a heat.

The Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach is held around Easter every year — which is a holiday built on redemption. With the 50-month-storm brewing, the stage was set for Kelly to win the event and start paving the path to a 12th World Title.

Instead, he lost in the Quarters with a 5.67 heat total.

Which begs the question — does 11-Time World Champion Kelly Slater need to get crucified if he wants to win again?

Let’s weigh it out.


-Formalize his place as a deity

-Gets to ascend the rankings

-Party when he wakes up

-Could be pretty cool to see him back on old boards


-Outerknown already makes loincloth, win/win for product placement


-Might not come back

-Could make foot injury worse

-Erik Logan in general


Would Kelly have won Bells if he was crucified first? The pros seem to outweigh the cons, but it’s tough to say. I do know that Jesus had to make it through trials while Kelly is at least always seeded in the main event.

On to the rankings.

Filipe 3

#69 Surfing As Sport

The WSL sometimes likes to dress up and pretend that it is a big crazy mega important sports league. The problem is: Big crazy mega important sports leagues don’t do shit like this:

Filipe catches a wave with less than 15 seconds left in the final. He needs a 6.98. He makes it around a big section and then starts tearing. This is the culmination of the entire event.


The only world in which this act is acceptable is the same world in which an entire industry assumed, for years, that grown men preferred to have a fluorescent sleeve on their full-body neoprene suits.

Unfortunately, this is the world in which you and I occupy.

#31 Deivid Silva

Not many people know this, but each year the WSL allows one surfer to represent the QS while surfing on the CT. The idea is that they will serve as a constant reminder of the horrors of that Q, therefore inspiring the other surfers to surf better so they don’t have to go back.

It’s not an entirely different concept than the Scared Straight jail program or bearing a firearm while shouting at somebody.

Think: Your Ian Gouveias, your Alex Ribeiros, your Davey Cathelses, and so on. This is Small Weiv Deiv’s year.

zoe steyn

#27 Gender Equality

Due to this year’s change in format, the prize for last place in men’s is $10,000 while the prize for last place in women’s is $10,500. This is offensive, bigoted and, frankly, disgusting. They should be divvying up the $40,000 they spend on the men’s Elimination Round and split it among all the hardworking fans who dared to watch it.

#22 Julian Wilson

He’s going to need more than a crucifixion to get his year back on track.

#17 Zeke Lau

His Round of 32 loss left the rest of the field (Rip Curl) searching for other, lesser sources of intimidation such as almost dying on The Button.


#14 Jeremy Flores

People can’t talk enough about Brazilians being hungrier and working harder than the rest of the pack but I’ve never seen Jadson Andre do a training workout mid-heat. Hardest working man on tour.

#8 Owen Wright

9th isn’t a bad result, but he could have done better with more preparation. They say it takes two to teabag and so Owen should have taken the initiative to find the judges and get a head start on the event for a better placing.

#6 Gabriel Medina

I don’t think I’m supposed to talk about his recent “sex scandal” in Brazil, but I think I found a loophole in talking about not talking about it — so let’s not talk about how it was the lamest scandal I’ve ever seen and that maybe he just needs to grow up and make a real sex tape like an adult for once.

Anyway, every event that he loses at the beginning of the year is just an event he’ll win at the end so fuck you, white people.



#5 Italo Ferreira

Like every other serious surf journalist, I consulted the WSL’s rulebook after the infamous penalty in the heat against Jordy Smith. It all looks pretty obvious to me — he seems to have clearly broken Article 189 by interfering with his hair.

Also, the rulebook still says ASP, which I own, so they can expect a cease and desist from my legal team.

#4 Filipe Toledo

The only reason he didn’t hit that section in the final was because he wanted to see what pulling out felt like for once. He’ll win at Keramas, where even Kieren Perrow once took flight.


#3.33 Jordy Smith


#2 John John Florence

People are all frazzled over Michel Bourez’s refusing to sign an autograph for a kid after a tough heat. But when you think about it, the biggest missing signature of the event was John John’s one on a tab at Juc Pub after the final.

There was a precedent set by one of surfing’s greats, Matt Wilkinson, and winners should be fined if they don’t live up to it.


#1 Occy

If very advanced extraterrestrials made contact with us and we had to elect one person to represent the entire human race and meet them, there is no doubt in my mind that that person should be Mark Occhilupo.


Slater Playbook

Can’t blame the pain on crucifixion and maybe that’s the problem.

Screen Shot 2019 04 09 at 11.33.52 PM

Should Have Stormed The Tower Award

The whole of surf culture after realizing the WSL changed the Lemoore name to “Freshwater Pro.”


Conspiracy theory of the event

The WSL only used the 50-year-storm label in order to drum up hype around the volatile nature of the ocean in that area so that they could stage a Fight For The Bight protest which is really just an attention diversion tactic to distract everyone from the drilling the organization is doing in the South Pacific. Ever wonder why Fiji suddenly fell off Tour and everything’s still funded? 


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