Stab Magazine | The Freshwater Pro Was The Best Contest Of The Year

The Freshwater Pro Was The Best Contest Of The Year

*Discounting every other contest such as ISA, ESA, NAMBLA, etc. 

Words by Big Dick

In physics, a wave is the disturbance of a field in which a physical attribute oscillates repeatedly at each point or seems to move through space.

When you think about it, the Surf Ranch is literally the disturbance of a field and “repetitive oscillation” is the most accurate description of surfing there that has ever been written. Big credit to me as a surf journalist for stealing that. 

Therefore, collectively, as physicists, we can assert that the Freshwater Pro indeed had the best waves of the year. And if you look at the comment sections, you’ll see that an international contingent of surfing enthusiasts agreed — it was the best contest of the year not counting all other contests. 


I’d like to bring up some counterpoints. Criticism is not negativity. 

-There are sections for airs/finners throughout the entire length of the wave. 

-It’s weird to talk about an individual’s surfing when the ocean isn’t involved. When you eliminate the element of the elements and focus solely on PERFORMANCE, it feels…sport-ish. Like people who regurgitate what they hear about quarterbacks on ESPN and frequent Buffalo Wild Wings. 

-It’s not actually freshwater. According to Wikipedia, freshwater has to be naturally occurring. 

-Wikipedia also makes Olympic surfing sound like some sort of structured homoerotic ritual, but that’s because I just edited the page. By the way, the Olympic committee can expect to hear from my legal team about their use of “speed, power, and flow.”

Cease and desist. 


OK, onto the rankings. Deus bless.

#69 China 

If you’re gonna rip off wave pool technology, at least copy American Wave Machines so we can see some airs. This shit ain’t even worth a trade war. 

#22 Deivid Silva 

He just surfs like someone who still uses Hotmail. 

#17.33 Ricardo Christie 

The SPF Rankings have been tirelessly documenting his perfect season of 17th places and he risked it all in Lemoore. Due to the event’s format, surfers finish with an actual placing rather than an equal placing. However, the results are bracketed out and points are distributed in a 1, 2, 3, 5, 9, 17, 33 structure to keep things consistent with the other events. For example, places 5 – 8 are all given 5th place points. Ricardo got 18th — so close to our goal — but the scary thing is that he would have ruined it if he had a mere .15 more points. This would have allowed him to jump up to 16th and earned 9th place points. Scary. 


#16 Gender Equality 

Funny that the WSL picked here of all places on tour to celebrate an Equal By Nature campaign. I guess Equal By Unnecessary Consumption Machine Near A Casino That Smells Of Rotting Flesh And Has A Scumbag Blackjack Dealer Who Once Beat Me For Two Hundred Dollars didn’t have as nice a ring to it?

It truly was a tough event for nature. I wouldn’t be surprised if the WSL’s entire carbon offsetting program consists solely of putting reinforced strips in the rails of everybody’s Asia-made epoxies. 

#13 Michel Bourez

More like Michel Snorez as the Tachi Palace has a ventilation system that circulates disgusting air because it’s impossible to open any windows because they don’t want the A/C to escape. This may be the source of respiratory issues that could lead to snoring. Also he kinda just didn’t look good here. 


#12 JS

Unprecedented to see a surfboard company come in and sponsor the trophies like that. Would love to see what Angourie’s own LSD would do if given the opportunity. 

#11 Kelly Slater 

If he would just focus on playing sexy surfer hunks on popular television shows rather than playing God, then maybe he could at least win one of those stupid Emmy’s for TV because he’s clearly not winning another World Title. 

#8 Seth Moniz 

If John John stays out to sea and Seth gets another big result or two, he will officially take his Olympic spot and the only thing that will be on sail will be his signature Hurley boardshorts. 

#6 Julian Wilson 

Congrats on landing the most exciting maneuver of the event that would have been a 6 at Stab High.

#5 Jadson Andre 

(Based on carryover points from his #1 SPF finish at Teahupo’o.)


#4.33  Italo Ferriera 

Bad look for Kolohe Andino to not help him out when he lost his passport and was worried about visas. I’m not saying that he lost because he didn’t wear jean shorts but he wasn’t wearing them and he definitely didn’t win.

#4 Filipe Toledo 

If he came out of that switch barrel after the shuvit, the judges would have low-balled it because they are more impressed by an alley-oop with a very awkward grab that was invented well over a decade ago and should be benched for eternity. This would have given me license to harass them on behalf of Brazil and now I feel cheated out of a bonding moment. 

#3 Lakey Peterson 

Lemoore translates to “The Moore” in French which means it’s culturally insensitive for her to steal this win not only from Carissa but also from Johanne Defay. Classic American, thinking she owns everything. 

#2 Gabriel Medina

“Say what you want about him as a person, but we can all admit that his performances as a competitive surfer are undeniably incredible and are doing great things for the sport.” -Woke Internet Surfers in 2019. 


#1 Adriano de Souza 

So many power moves going on here. Good looking spouse +50. Shirtless on public transit +100. Getting a big result at Teahupo’o then bailing on the Surf Ranch, the place stole his World Title thunder +5000. Also, I had a Portuguese friend translate the caption and turns out it reads, “Fuck your stupid wave.” 


Conspiracy Theory Of The Event 

Follow the money. 


Kelly Slater Playbook 

It’s never too late to pull a Tonya Harding. 


Mediation Of The Event 

Namaste and may Jah be with you. 

Word Of The Story4

Word Of The Event

Oscillation: Movement back and forth in a regular rhythm. 

Inertia 2

Bonus column: If I wrote for The Inertia…. 

I would dig up Dusty Payne’s comments from Lost Atlas and use them to build an argument against the toxic masculinity running rampant in surfing.


Big Dick Power Surfer


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