“That Was The Most Uncomfortable Interview Of My Life” Or The Ivy Miller Interview

Ivy Miller has a solid career going these days. Red Bull is behind her online show, Ivy Being Ivy. Volcom has her doing commercials. She’s got a stand up comedy tour, solid surfing skills, and a booked up schedule that keeps her bouncing around the globe.

It was likely that busy schedule that led to her forgetting about our first scheduled interview. Which is a forgivable error in most circumstances. But this time it fucked with my own plans, leading to an interaction driven by my own annoyance.

The plan, originally, had been to give her a heads up that things were gonna get weird. Tell her in advance that I thought an abnormal interview would be more fun and prepare her for a fun back and forth.

But I was upset, so I didn’t say a word. Despite that, she comported herself well.

I had fun, I don’t think she did. But the resulting conversation is top-notch. By my standards, at least.

Stab: How old are you, Ivy?

I’m twenty three.

So you were born in…

Ninety-six. Just on the cusp.

As a kid your age, what was it like growing up with internet porn?

To be honest, it was pretty interesting. We didn’t get iPhones until my senior year. At least I didn’t have an iPhone until my senior year. In middle school there was a texting phase, with flip phones, and then Instagram just popped up mid-high school.

But I’m just really grateful for a chance to go outside and climb a tree, rather than making TikToks in my room with my friends. But at the same time, it’s their equivalence to our MySpace, you know? We had the MySpace age where you design your layout and you talk about the boys you like on your bulletins. And it was public but you could talk about it at school. So that was kind of the internet for us.

What is it you think I said?

Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said, “What was it like growing up with the internet?”

No. I said, “What was it like growing up with internet porn?”

With internet… what?

Porn. Pornography. We didn’t have that when I was a kid.

Oh. What was it like growing up with internet porn? Let’s see… [laughs] Well, when I was a kid… I’m trying to think of the first time I saw it. I think I was a junior in high school, and I typed in ‘boobs’ on my computer. And a bunch of boobs came up.

And I was like, “Wow. That’s what they’re supposed to look like.”

And then, from there, porn didn’t really have too much of a big impact in my life.

Would you consider yourself an Instagram influencer? 

Um… I think that’s one of my disciplines. But I wouldn’t introduce myself as that.

Why?

Because I have more to offer.

No. I mean, why do you do the Instagram thing?

I fell into it, I guess. When I started surfing it all collected. From there I went to modeling and it comes with the territory. Like, followers and stuff. In modeling, these days, it’s pretty heavily leaned on.

It just all steamrolled into what it is now. Last year I kind of put my foot down, because I was getting a lot of Instagram jobs. And, you know, jobs attract more jobs so you’ve got to kinda direct your career into where you want it to go.

I started just saying “No” to doing comedy ads on my Instagram. I think my last one was my bikini one, and that kinda went out with a bang. But, other than that, I just didn’t want to sell my comedy like that. You know what I mean?

What are you addicted to?

That’s a really interesting question, because I feel like I have the least addictive personality. I know that’s a really not-fun answer. But there’s not something I do every single day besides… I just don’t have an addictive personality. I’m sorry.

That’s good, though. That’s a happy thing.

Yeah.

So, have you ever tried meth?

I have not tried meth.

You’re missing out…

I know. I’m sure.

But that also really interests me. It’s like, I don’t have an addictive personality so I wonder… Because they say, “You try it once and you’re hooked.”

You don’t get hooked from doing meth once. I’ve done it a couple times and I could quit any time I want.

[laughs] That’s good to know.

You travel an awful lot, right?

Yeah.

I do too. When’s the last time you shit your pants?

Ummmm… Oh, I’ve got a good one!

I was… this is so bad… I was dating this guy and we were walking around Mammoth and I had done an enema…

Normally I do saline enemas, but this time I did a, like, deep oil enema. I didn’t realize that they had that, so I just grabbed it without thinking.

And it didn’t work the same as the saline one does. Because with that, you know, you do it and, boom, it happens.

This one, I did it and it didn’t really work. And I was like, “Oh, that’s weird. Maybe it just doesn’t work.”

So, of course, he was, like, “Let’s go on a walk.”

And I’m like, “Okay.”

And so we’re walking through Mammoth and I, slowly, just shit my pants.

Amazing. As a model you’ve gotta take care of yourself. But do you ever go to McDonald’s and spend forty bucks and just eat until you hate yourself?

Absolutely.

You going for the dollar menu? The McNuggets? What’s the deal?

Honestly, anytime me and my best friend, Brittany, go out and party in Mexico, or anywhere really, we will go to McDonald’s in the morning. It’s kind of a tradition. The sausage egg McMuffin is kind of my go-to. With a little hashie.

Have you ever thought of getting some big ol’ fucked-up butt cheek implants?

No. Because I feel like it would get in the way of things. I’m happy with the size of my butt.

Okay. But there’s this hooker on the street I’m staying at in Bangkok, and I don’t know if it’s something she has stuffed in her pants or what, but it’s the most freakish ass I’ve ever seen. And she’s very popular.

This is in Bangkok?

Yeah. In Bangkok.

That’s not something… Maybe one day?

Which professional surfer would you like to fight the most?

Oh my god. What are these questions?

Let’s see… to fight? Fuck… I think… I feel like I’ve gotta be really careful with this answer.

You know what? I feel like me and Gabby Medina would have a good brawl.

What’ s your problem with Gabriel Medina?

What?

Why do you have a problem with Gabe Medina? What did he ever do to you?

Are you gonna twist this?

I might. A little. Anyway, dog surfing is pretty fucked up, right?

Dog surfing? Hate it. Hate it. Super fucked up.

What do you think the Coffey sisters are doing right now?

Wait. What was the question? How did you go from dog surfing to Coffey sisters?

I’ve got a list of questions. I’m just going down the row.

I don’t know. They’re probably shredding the Gold Coast?

You use a lot of man-face in your comedy…

Man-face?

Man-face, yeah.

What’s that?

You pretend you’re a man. It’s like blackface. So, does that make you a sexist bigot in 2019? 

Okay. Got it.

I don’t think that I am.

Straight white men are very oppressed. I read that on the internet and I’m pretty sure it’s true.

Well, there’s no proof saying that’s a male.

So you’re making fun of trans people. That’s what you’re saying?

No. I think it’s awful bold for you to assume that gender of Isabel.

Don’t try your PC, social justice warrior, flippery on me. It’s not gonna work. I’m too smart for that.

[laughs] Okay.

You look an awful lot like a girl I used to hook up with in college. On a scale of one to ten, how uncomfortable does that knowledge make you feel?

It doesn’t make me uncomfortable.

Cool. Let me make a quick note here.

Who do you think would win in a fight? A horse with guns for feet or a hippopotamus with swords for teeth?

A hippopotamus with swords for teeth, for sure. Because hippopotamus are the most deadly animals in the world.

And the horse wouldn’t be able to stand.

Yeah, so there’s that.

Good job. You got the answer right.

I clicked through your Insta stuff and you’ve got a decent number of creepy comments on there. 

Do you prefer to receive unsolicited dicks pics via email, DM, or text?

DM.

Right on. Your fans are going to love that.

Got any advice for a middle-aged man who’d like to get into modeling?

Get fit, put your best foot forward. Really embrace the silver fox look. If that’s where you’re at in life. Don’t try to fight your age. You’ve gotta just embrace it.

What if you don’t like exercising? I’m happy being a pudgy man but I still want to make money and have people look at me.

You’re perfect for the plus-size market then.

Are you calling me fat, Ivy?

No. But you just did. So I was…

No. I said pudgy. Not plus-size. That hurt my feelings.

But as a model you’re either a model with model measurements. Or you’re plus-size. Plus-size doesn’t mean fat.

People come in all shapes and sizes, Ivy.

Exactly. People come in all shapes and sizes, Rory.

Thank you for your time. Before we go, do you have any racist, sexist or mildly offensive opinions you’d like to share?

No. I don’t.

You’re just gonna keep them to yourself? That’s probably smart.