Stab Magazine | "That Ski Needs More Rocker"

Season finale of How Surfers Get Paid drops Thursday, 5pm PT


“That Ski Needs More Rocker”

Edition 122

style // Feb 25, 2018
Words by A Kindfolk
Reading Time: 5 minutes

We’re back with our regular programming of compiling a list of the past week’s – or in this case fortnight’s – top literary conjectures.

Last week our beloved canine, iHusky, had come down with sickness and was reportedly as “sick as a …”, joining this combination, chief screenshot compiler, Morgan Williamson was away on holiday. Leaving myself with the task of trawling the comment section and learning the finer details of photoshop.

I unfortunately have more important tasks on my list though, like riding my scooter, texting my mum and recovering from a Friday night blowout. 

This week, the boys were back in town and now we’re back with a slightly belated list of the past weeks best and worst. And what a busy weeks its been in the surf world: wavepools, jet ski catastrophes, doping in surf, medium-size wave events and a spinal horror story out at Kirra.

It’s Sunday, my brain and liver are frazzled, so excuse the typos, the brevity of my descriptions and revel in the next 13 doses of online insanity. 


13. That Time Dave Wassell Surfed “60-to-70 Foot Barrels” At Outer Log Cabins

Co 13

I’m not sure whether Mike is speaking from experience here, but either way it’s a frightening prospect. Not quite as frightening as surfing 60-foot outer Hawaiian reefs though, or even surfing 6-foot Pipeline for that matter – not that I would know anything about surfing waves above 2-foot. 


12. Kirra Horror Story: “I Heard My Spine Crunch And Crack”

In all seriousness, it probably is pretty tough on the old metacarpals twisting the throttle all day. It’s not just the ski drivers hurting either, you think paddling against the Kirra sweep is tough, try holding on to a tow-rope and whipping yourself into 100 waves in a session! I’m pretty sure Claiming Medina is a Gold Coast local, and understandably the jet-skis recent wrath has him hurting inside. Thankfully, his pain is more on the emotional side, whereas the aptly named ‘Max Tough’ is facing a 6 month recovery stint, only aided by an inevitable influx of female attention during his time in convalescence. 


11. There Will Be No Pipe Masters In 2019

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My juvenile mind is too young to understand the true depths of this ripper. I’ve read about spritzers in the history books and the closest i’ve come to a Smirnoff Ice is it’s younger and evil cousin, the Double Black. I’d be stoked if Round Earth’s predictions come true though, it would probably provide some much needed spark and ferocity back into the competitors arena. The only better sponsor would be Bundy OP rum, by the time Round 3 came around the heats would be taking place on the sand. 


10. Blowing The Whistle: Are CTers Doping?

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Looks like someone is still hung up about Kelly’s ‘4.17’ at Trestles. ‘Luke Shepardson’s massive dick’ might be onto something here, because if they are smoking the whacky tobaccy, how can we ever be certain that the judges are accurately scoring the entirely non-subjective sport that is competitive surfing. 


9. “The Best I’ve Seen It In Years!”

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Oh man I hope Davey F isn’t right on this one. Sadly, it’s becoming an all too common feature of the annual CT opener. But you need to look the bright side when this eventually happens, I mean, at least you won’t be incredibly jealous when you tune into Facebook to watch the top 32 slog it out in 2-foot Snapper burgers and throw a chop-hop reverse off the end section. 


8. Kelly Slater Drinks “The Billion Dollar Smoothie”

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There’s nothing else to understand, Larry. Do you think that people listen to Sun Ra and genuinely enjoy it? No way! The same goes for a superfood smoothie. When I purchase my wallet draining smoothie I don’t enjoy a single second of it, I do however ensure that I upload a photo to Instagram and peruse the streets hoping that girls notice that I’m both health conscious and affluent. 


7. Lucas “Chumbo” Chianca Wins WSL Big (Medium) Wave Challenge At Nazare

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The Nazare challenge went down in waves barely bigger than the boards people were riding out there and Stewie pointed this out with precise simplicity. 


6. A Surf Gal Stab Adores: Anaïs Pierquet

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Not going to lie, it took my hungover brain a fair few minutes to work out why this comment was funny. If you’re as inept as myself, I won’t ruin this one for you, it’s worth it in the end. 


5. Jet Skis: Is There A Time And Place?

co 15

This paints an all too vivid picture in my mind and I’m not sure it’s something I ever want to picture again; it didn’t help that ‘docleelau’ took it to a whole new level of incestual either. Good to see that Mr. F is against the use of PWC’s in the lineup though. 


4. StabFM: Rosé and Roses Mix

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If anyone out there is looking to wine and dine Wing Wing you now know exactly what to do. Throw on the Stab FM love-making playlist while you’re at it and you’ll have Wingo swooning. 


3. Today’s Entertainment: Darren Handley’s Kirra Jet Ski Slam

co 17

You’d think of all the skis out there DH would’ve had his motor powered sled dialled, but looks like it’s back to the PWC shaping bay for Darren Handley. New high performance ski model coming to a store near you, comes with an eject seat for your back riding photog too. 


2. Forty-Six Seconds Of Kelly Slater Wrapped In Blue

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Last week it was the GOAT’s 46th birthday and we presented 46 seconds of the King slotted in dreamy blue tunnels to celebrate. It’s likely a little on the large side for the BWWT though, in addition, these waves were actually barreling which is also a huge “no no”. 


1. Blowing The Whistle: Are CTers Doping?


Rumour has it chia seeds are on the incoming ban list, along with all superfood smoothies. We’ll just have to wait and see whether this means Kelly has his 11 world titles stripped or not. 


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