The Joy of Sex, with Luke Stedman

Bali is the sweetest of summer escapes, for adventures both carnal and atavistic. Luke Stedman knows his way around the world, and a wave. Photo: D.Hump

The Joy of Sex According to…
Luke Stedman

First time:
An awkward moment. Neither drunk nor high. Stone cold sober. I was so fearful that my Dad’s premonition of him handing me a condom before my first time so I would practise safe sex might actually come true that the thought lingered throughout this special, sacred moment.

Visual stimuli:
Well, MJ (wife, model Malia Jones) to me is pretty stimulating. I don’t really need to look out the window when we are going at it in the bedroom hammer and tonk to get aroused.

Dirty talk:
A definite. The dirtier the better. Raw filth. Go one step further and find a partner that can talk another language and get them to talk dirty to you then. MJ speaks pretty good French so I’m always hitting her up to talk to me this way. It sounds amazing but I’m never sure of what she is actually saying. It could be: “You never took the garbage out tonight, and can you please hurry up I’m tired.” Who the hell cares, though? It just sounds so damn cool.

Style:
My style is based on what I’m listening to on my iPod. You should see the looks I get when I’ve been listening to Slayer or QOTSA. My lovemaking is much more appreciated when I’ve been getting down to Al Green or Teddy Pendergrass.

Age:
Older women have a certain essence and experience about them that screams sexy but youth has the element of surprise and you can mould them to your liking.

Threesomes:
Any man that says he does not want them or has not fantasised about them is a liar.

Contraception:
A definite. In any situation. Seriously, there would be nothing worse than waking up with a weeping eye. That shit would freak me out, nearly as much as having a long-term relationship and finding out you are going to be a dad when you clearly want nothing more than to keep your men from invading the egg for a few more years.

Erotic asphyxiation:
Punching, kicking, screaming, fingernails down the back, hair pulling – it’s all part of a certain style. I’ll try anything once, but I’m yet to choke myself out. I’m sure if you were going out with someone like a kick boxer or a jiu-jitsu guy you may be able to get this experience more often. Maybe I should talk to TB’s trainer Johnny and see if he can give me the low-down on this style.

Toys:
Toys for girls are cool. I’m not to sure about toys for guys. Just make sure that batteries are included. There’s nothing worse than getting a new appliance and not being able to work it. And steer clear of secondhand goods. Always buy new. Hand-me-downs are also not an option.

Fake tits:
I like my tits like I like my oysters, Au Natural. I guess you can go Fitzpatrick every now and then. Sometimes its new and it tastes a bit different, but I always return to Au Natural. The key to getting through an average smoker? Put on your teacher’s hat and give the poor girl a hand. Do what the man before you should have done and educate the girl. You have an obligation to yourself and if it’s a one-night stand, the next guy that will fill your shoes. If it’s going to be a full-time relationship then, hey, it’s going to be of great importance. You don’t want to be missing out on a good BJ for the rest of your days. Oh yeah, and if that fails, get her to watch Old School and take notes. Some good tips in that movie.

The best time for sex:
My best performances have either been when I get home and I’ve been partying or when I wake up and the emotional side of a hangover sets in. Your lady friend will get the best of both worlds in this case as both of these moods come with some serious differences. For example. When the clock strikes four am and you’re just closing the door behind you to your home or hotel and you’re with your lady friend, it’s pretty safe to say that it’s been a big one. Guaranteed, you have some serious courage and are probably willing to try anything or do anything to please yourself and your partner. This is by far the best stage for any new manoeuvres or situations that you have been wary about in the past. I’m not saying that everything you touch will turn to gold, that every move will work, but, hey, it’s now or never. Then, in the morning when you wake, you may realise what the hell you have done, said, rolled around with. This generally brings on a different emotion that will bend your ways from last night’s performance. Generally, a more sincere way of doing things will now take place.