Stab Magazine | "If You Don't Surf, Don't Start"

Season finale of How Surfers Get Paid drops Thursday, 5pm PT


“If You Don’t Surf, Don’t Start”

Comments of the week is back! Here’s a heinously belated edition 124. 

style // Apr 15, 2018
Words by stab
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Guess what’s back! After a mind ruined from alcohol, stress inducing love triangles and a surplus of Bondi straight handers I found my brain lacking the ingenuity to coin anything new on the never ending editorial front.

So, you know what that means…

Resuscitate COTW!

In addition, there’s also been an influx of notably funny comments, the majority of which aren’t featured in the pickings due to the absurd length between COTW drinks. 

We’ve been disseminating the hottest news, clips and glorified opinions direct to your device, such as Zeke fighting John John, Mick retiring, Mick making millions from a pair of pluggers and every reason in the book to give up surfing for good. In return we’ve received a nostalgic dose of laughable jabs from the Disqus catacombs and now we’re presenting to you the top 8!

This week I hit Everyone’sfavouritegoat for some help, and next week (or whenever COTW rolls around again) it could be you. Fire in your Disqus resume below as to why you would like to spend your time trolling the site and flicking screenshots that you’ve compiled at the pub to my own personal email.

I’ll even let you send along your own curated personal insult – unmoderated!

You won’t get anything in return, but you will be subject to Dsiqus scrutiny and a pat on the back from the entire Bondi office in the form of an upvote on your next comment. 

Number 8 – Half-A-Billion Dollars And Eleven Million Pairs: The Biggest Secret No One Knows About Mick

tabski COTW 8

You knew Mick was a World Surfing Champion, shark fighter and full time legend, but did you know he is also a footwear entrepreneur? Well, his couple of million prove that he is.

Tabski’s a little concerned for our god fearing folk though. I find it difficult to imagine being a devout Muslim, since the only thing I’m devout to is Marine Layer’s back catalogue and a desire to swipe right to everything on Tinder, but I’m sure Muslims are fans of Mick Fanning too.


Number 7 – Can Stop, Will Stop: Why Do People Quit Surfing? 

Sprunkle Breckers COTW

Sprunkle wasn’t aware of the SeaBreacher at this time either!

It’s not that bad though Breckers, all you need to stock in your arsenal when the crowds heighten is the very simple art known as “dropping in”. It’ll do wonders for your surfing, but will come at the cost of friendship, self-respect and the structural integrity of your nose.


Number 6 – Half-A-Billion Dollars And Eleven Million Pairs: The Biggest Secret No One Knows About Mick

Wonka COTW 6

It’s a good guess, but off the mark. Hayden’s actually working hard on incorporating the corkscrew for your post-session Shiraz blend, whereas my local cenny coast shaper has just sent me my latest board with an ice-pipe and shiv built right next to the fin box. Different strokes for different folks.

Number 5 – Jeremy Flores Has A Baby After Pulling Out

Team COTW 5

There’s one thing you’ll never stop down under Marky and that’s our ability to shorten, lengthen and fuck up any normal name or word with an abbreviation unamusing to all Americans. People think Australian’s are dumb, but it’s tough having to be bilingual –  there’s no easy translation from Bogan to English.

Number 4 – Mick Fanning Just Surfed His Last Heat On Tour

David F COTW 4

Remember when Adriano won a World Title? Neither do I! That’s because Kelly dropped a big Lemoorian Wavepool straight on his dome at the time of victory! Mick must have paid Kelly out to save himself from the same reigning down parade or maybe Mike was right and Mr. Slates was still preoccupied with his JetStar stitch up at the time of Mick’s retirement.

Number 3 – “Why I Gave Up Surfing” – Matt Warshaw On Family, Work And Surf Frustration

Skutch COTW 3

Mr. Warshaw had some solid reasons for giving up the PU jive, so convincing I’m considering throwing in the fins myself. Anyway, the moral of this story is that the more people who quit the better, it’ll save you the surf frustration and provide the rest of us with a near empty lineup.

And if you miss that salty feeling, you can always use that VR headset for something other than porn and dial into a few virtual reality tubes – it’s probably better than the real thing anyway.


Number 2 – Come Worship At The Church Of Burch


Money makes the world go round doesn’t it Marko?

Number 1 – Mick Fanning Just Surfed His Last Heat On Tour

Mikey C COTW 1

I chose this as number one because I’m hoping Mike will do one of three things for me: teach me how to surf, how to write or, at the very least, how to pronounce his last name.

Additionally, the only thing worse than commenting “first” on an article is commenting COTW underneath one – I’m looking at you Joiny. 


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