Close
READER POLL 2017
We promise this won’t (really) hurt.

Wanna win a new surfboard? We have a custom Chilli ‘Black Vulture’ to gift (plus all the trim you’d expect from a premium dealer). To be in the running, just answer a few questions for us. It won’t take long.

Close
Close READER POLL 2017
We promise this won't (really) hurt.

Wanna win a new surfboard? We have a custom Chilli ‘Black Vulture’ to gift (plus all the trim you’d expect from a premium dealer). To be in the running, just answer a few questions for us. It won’t take long.

I Cuckolded The Inertia Into Saying That People Are Dolphins And You Can Too

A cuckold is the husband of an adulteress.

Therefore, to cuckold someone is to have sex with their wife. The Inertia’s wife is stories (lists) about SUP yoga, acai bowls and dolphins — which is why they refer to themselves as the definitive voice of surf — and I am here today to announce that I have cuckolded them. And guess what bozo. You can too.

The process is as follows:

-Pretend your name is Zane.
-Write a fake story that claims people are dolphins.
-Create a new email address.
-Email them fake story from new email address.
-Submit headshot of my friend Sean Benik from when he was a virgin (age 26).
-Cuckold.

My story read: (They've since removed it)

Have you ever stopped to reflect on why you surf? There is no shortage of very obvious answers – the mental, physical, and spiritual health benefits of being in the ocean and riding waves. The deep connection to Mother Nature. The distance it creates between your mind and all your Twitter feeds – these are all great answers.

But have you ever considered that there might be something deeper going on?

On a neurological level, the reason we become addicted to surfing is due to the chemicals your brain produces during and after. Boring, I know. There are scientific explanations like that for everything in life. Isn’t it better to think about love as love rather than breaking it down into a million molecules, for example?

Well, yes.

But the reason I bring this up is because new research proves that our surfing soul mammals, dolphins, may ride waves for the same reasons.

A new study conducted by the Marine Biology department at the University of California, Santa Cruz exhibited a spike in the part of a dolphin’s frontal lobe that processes emotion when they ride waves. While charts have shown similar spikes when they are chasing prey, this spike was shown when the dolphins’ behavior wasn’t suggestive of hunting, rather when they were simply riding waves.

This study was not specifically focused on observing the neurological response within a dolphin while they rode a wave. As a matter of fact, researchers were gathering data on how dolphins react to sound waves emitted by popular fishing devices such as the Fish Finder. The wave-riding observations were merely a side effect of the broader research. So don’t expect anybody to dig into this idea from a scientific perspective anytime soon. Given the state of our oceans, there are issues that demand much more attention. However, it’s still something to think about next time you share a lineup with your favorite fish. Maybe people and dolphins are closer than we’ve previously thought. Maybe people really are dolphins after all.

All I know is that instead of calling Kelly Slater the GOAT, from here on out I’m calling him the DOLPH!

Screen Shot 2017 10 20 at 4.14.20 PM

There is a good chance they'll pull it down once they finish microdosing their butter coffees and acknowledge the possibility that human beings and dolphins could be two separate species and Sean Benik might not be a virgin anymore. Chalk that point up to Fish Finder I guess.

Just goes to show you it's that easy, folks. It doesn’t matter if you’ve surfed once (beginner level), twice (intermediate), three times (advanced ) or even more (pro) — you can become a famous online writer too.

And, you probably shouldn't believe everything you see on the internet.

(Editor's note: Here at Stab—a magazine that often allows Morgan Williamson to write as if English is his second language—we've typically taken a (somewhat) firm stance on putting down competitors. However, the effort Mr Buckley put into making the point that (almost) anyone can write articles and have them published in surf media in 2017 is admirable and deserves its time in bright lights, slowly sliding down the feed.)

 

* Please enter your name
* Please enter a valid email address