Stab Magazine | "Surfing In Australia Does Not Sound Fun"

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“Surfing In Australia Does Not Sound Fun”

Edition 119. 

style // Jan 27, 2018
Words by Words
Reading Time: 4 minutes

Due to an onslaught of abuse over my previous Comment Of The Week wrap-ups (two comments from the same alias), we’ve radically altered the very core of this segment.

Without further ado, here are the top 10 anonymous keyboard ramblings from the past 168 hours!

 

 

 

10. A Semi Comprehensive Guide To Thriving In Australia’s Cyclone Season

CO10

Scraping in at the number 10 spot this week we have our loyal simian, thevoiceofnoreason, with an ironically reasonable jab.

Here Asher Pacey, Torren Martyn, Ari Browne and ‘Dingo’ Morrison provided us with some useful advice on conquering those overhyped, East Coast cyclone swells which frequent our coastline during the warm months. The knowledgeable told us to “forget the spot ‘round the corner”, “listen to your elders” and, of course, maintain a “healthy attitude”.

However, this was a little too much for our literate gorilla.

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9. The Internet Reacts To The WSL’s Facebook Deal. 

CO9

If you don’t live in the social media realm, good work! The scroll-fest is seriously soul engulfing.

For non-social-media-using-surfers, or fans of the WSL there’s been a recent announcement – the WSL events will now be streaming exclusively on Facebook. Unsurprisingly, the internet reacted in the normal manner and Larvell reacted to those initial reactions.

He has a point. If you’re going to complain about something being on social media, to save the hypocrisy, at least complain to someone on a non-digital format. 

***

8. Bad Waves, Solitude And the Indiscriminate Nature of Satisfaction

Coo s

Last week I threatened our digital dog, iHusky, with snail bait unless he threw me in next week’s COTW. And as we can see here, violent blackmailing obviously works – albeit being a team effort.

In this piece, Buckley provided us with a much-needed reminder to occasionally forget the quality of surf and just throw yourself out there, regardless of the conditions. You certainly won’t get the wave of your life, but hell, it probably beats forever checking your Disqus account for that ‘upvote’ satisfaction. 

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7. Kerby Brown’s Terrifying Use Of A Tow-Rope

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Even if you don’t live on the Gold Coast, I’m sure you can relate to what Phat-wank-kerr (his real name) is referring to here. If not, you can read about it right here.

This clip of Kerby Brown is one of those times when a tow-rope is not only preferable, it’s a sheer necessity. You need to be a ‘hellman’ to even consider taking on ocean giants such as this, but thankfully Kerby fulfils that requirement and provided us with some footage to ogle over. 

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6. Mate, That Board Looks Rubbish

co 6

Trust the forever witty, Michael Newman to upstage my anti-thruster article with a personal story worthy of its own URL. After advocating for the exile of all three-finned pieces of foam and their replacement with some summer-friendly fun boards, Mike pointed out a large flaw in my argument. That is, just how damn embarrassing it is to be seen with a big ol’ foamie – even if in Mike’s case you only make it of the water sans a few limbs.

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5. Is There Anything As Distracting As A Stylish Lady Logger

c0 5

If you’ve already seen this clip – or other lady loggers – then you’ll understand just how mesmerising these visuals can be; gals just bring a smooth style to longboarding that us endowed with an X & Y chromosome simply can’t match. According to Phat, there’s only one thing that could possibly avert your gaze from their water ballet, the systematic abuse and exploitation of other earthly sentient beings, oh sorry, I meant vegans!

***

4. The Internet Reacts To The WSL’s Facebook Deal

co 4 2

I’m fairly certain Kai thinks everything is ‘sick’. Think he’ll let those of us without ‘the book’ log into his account in order to watch the event? 

***

3. This Jack Freestone Edit Is The Amp Real You Need Today

co3

Yaktar ain’t a fan of the digitised track from ‘Nonn’ which accompanies Jack’s latest clip, but he is a fan of Freestone’s abilities outside of a competitive format. Jack’s had a rough sophomore year on the CT, which resulted in him falling off. He does, however, have a new baby boy, Banks and a stunning surfer to match, Alana. I think we’re all hoping to see more of Jack’s surfing in the future, whether he’s donning a coloured rashie or not.’

***

2. Dogs Are Now Towing Into Outer Reefs

co2

If you thought Kerby Brown was insane for towing into monsters at ‘The Right’, then you’ll be blown away by what our four-legged friends are doing on the Hawaiian outer reefs. But it looks like a slippery downhill slope for surfing from here, it’s only a matter of time until Dane’s dog Pam is on the CT replacing those who land outside the top 22. 

***

1. A Semi Comprehensive Guide To Thriving In Australia’s Cyclone Season

co 1

Lastly, here’s our numero uno of the past week, by the forever fashionable haircut, the mullet. I won’t tarnish mullet’s inarguable rhetoric with my murmurings, I’ll just leave you with this prime example of what Disqus commenting is all about. 

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