Click Or Miss: I Hate All Vlogs Equally - Stab Mag
Frame by Shane Kreutzer

Click Or Miss: I Hate All Vlogs Equally

Zack gets the day off, whiny junior editor gets a new assignment.

style // May 3, 2021
Words by Jack Mutschler
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Due to the planned chaos happening around/outside the office, I will be this week’s guide through Vlog purgatory. Zack, if you’re reading this, I hate you, and this is a one-time deal.

I don’t know how that kid watches multiple surf vlogs every week without eating a cyanide capsule sandwich. Sure, I’ll watch some Raw Beefs during my lunch break, but that’s only because I love watching surfers of all tiers get smokified at the Wedge.

My vlog thought process is the following:

If you spend your own free time watching other people eat acai bowls, you’re a fucking idiot.

Now that my feelings have been established and ignored, let’s get this ego-driven, views-sniffing, subscriber-clicking disaster moving.

Click – Flow Is Hotter Than The Flash From The Click
Channel Subs: 2.06k
Video Views: 164 (posted 2 hours ago)
Like/Dislike Ratio: 23/0

While Barron’s typical music selection has our balding staff reaching for the mute button, this was an improvement. I can live with hip hop, as long as it’s Tupac or Royce Da 5’9″. The ruggedness of the DJ Premier beat matches perfectly with Mamiya’s tenacity in the water. Barron’s homeland of Hawaii is considered the mecca of surfing, but sometimes an Indonesian getaway is needed. Relax, unwind, and throw more alley-oops than the Flint Michigan Tropics.

Click – Retracing your five-year-old Steps.
Channel Subs: 23.4k
Video views: 6,714
Like/Dislike Ratio: 1.3k / 1

The young French ripper had himself a little getaway to Costa Rica with the boys. The itinerary included Beach breaks, ATVs, and even some childhood memories. Kyllian shows us footage of him surfing a soft top in the whitewash of Playa Hermosa when he was five years old. Today, Guerin uses the same patch of sand as a landing strip for one of his cheeky punts. Alongside his surfing, production quality ain’t too shabby in itself. We are gifted with multiple camera angles, added animations, and even captions for us American-speaking speakers.

Miss – An Uncomfortable Opening Scene.
Channel Subs: 9.38k
Video Views: 4,971
Like/Dislike Ratio: 265/0

You can probably skip this week’s upload from Mr. Lau. Unless that is, you have a wild fantasy in which Zeke Lau is serenading you selfie-style on his couch while some robot contraption massages his lower body. I don’t workout (your boy is 120lbs of sour patch kids and soda pop), so exercise-centric vids are a no-go for me.
Also, after witnessing what Zeke can do at Sunset, a POV session Ala Moana Bowls isn’t worth waiting for the skip ad button to pop up. Two hundred sixty-five people disagree with me, and zero agree, so I’m probably at fault here.

Click – “Do one little air reverse, and you’re getting laid.”
Channel Subs: 2.25k
Video Views: 4,146
Like/Dislike Ratio: 84/9

Punk, disrespectful, and jackass are some of the words you’ll find commented under a Jacob Szekely Stab post. Considering the La Jolla native’s growing friendship with Bam Margera, I’d say the Jackass description is fair. Given I’ve never actually met Zeke, I can’t confirm the other comments. Regardless of your feelings towards the kid, it’s hard not to click on his videos when they pop up. I try to avoid dropping in on locals, massive acid drops, and dirt bikes in the skatepark, but if someone else wants to take the reigns, I’ll watch. With the addition of a new filmer, I imagine the Off The Chain crew is just getting started. Those rascals can cause enough ruckus to lower property values in La Jolla Shores


Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up


Most Recent

How Surfers Get Paid, Episode 3 

Nike has entered the chat.

Oct 5, 2022

Unlocked: Leonardo Fioravanti’s Stab Edit Of The Year Entry 

Watch 'The Cut' now, and baffle at the quality of both the waves and the…

Oct 4, 2022

The Pro Surfer Who Filmed A War Documentary In Ukraine

Damien Castera's got a story to tell.

Oct 4, 2022

Honest Review(s): O’Neill Hyperfreak Fire

Pushing the Limits of Wetsuit Tech for Men & Women

Oct 3, 2022

How Much Would You Pay For A Session Like This?

A cost-per-vision breakdown of Kian Martin and Tai Buddha's latest strike mission.

Oct 2, 2022

Ongoing Dialogue: Jack Freestone And Album’s Matt Parker On How They Get Sparks To Fly

"Nowadays, a standard thruster feels pretty alt to me." -Jack

Oct 2, 2022

Davo’s Death Strikes At Surfing’s Core

The underground icon battled demons til the end. His untimely demise is yet another cautionary…

Oct 1, 2022

Macaroni in the Pot

Jaleesa Vincent and 200 Lefts in the Mentawais

Oct 1, 2022

Introducing A Brand New Travel Series (With A Familiar Name)

Watch the first New York episode of Stab & Red Bull's No Contest Off Tour.

Sep 30, 2022

Leandro Dora: Pro Surfer, Businessman, Punk Rock Festival Organizer, Spiritual Mentor, And World Title Winning Surf Coach 

Meet one of the most beloved and effective individuals in the athlete's zone.

Sep 29, 2022


You’re Gonna Click On A New Oscar Langburne Video

Style that can't be denied.

Sep 29, 2022

Long Read: An Angel At My Table

From Stab Issue 15, October 2006: Chris Davidson has one more shot at the big…

Sep 28, 2022


Watch: Kalani David’s Last Dance

A final surf part from the Hawaiian surf/skate prodigy.

Sep 28, 2022

Taylor Steele Won’t Let Surf Filmmaking Die Without a Fight

Movies shown, filmmaking advice, punk rock at the 2022 Solento Surf Festival.

Sep 28, 2022

Wait, Are We Going To See Moana Jones In The Olympics At Teahupo’o?

Team USA (women) and Japan (men) should be able to choose anyone they want to…

Sep 27, 2022

Donald Brink and Matt Biolos Win Mick Fanning’s Electric Acid Surfboard Test

And we had a party in Oceanside to celebrate.

Sep 26, 2022

Kanoa Igarashi and Kirra Pinkerton Answer Call Of Duty, Win Medals Of Honor In 2022 ISA World Games

Teams Japan, USA, and France move into Victor’s Village.

Sep 26, 2022

The Best Euro Surf Trips That Mightn’t Be On Your Radar

Want to know which less-trodden nation offers the most potential?

Sep 26, 2022