Click Or Miss: I Hate All Vlogs Equally - Stab Mag
Frame by Shane Kreutzer

Click Or Miss: I Hate All Vlogs Equally

Zack gets the day off, whiny junior editor gets a new assignment.

Words by Jack Mutschler

Due to the planned chaos happening around/outside the office, I will be this week’s guide through Vlog purgatory. Zack, if you’re reading this, I hate you, and this is a one-time deal.

I don’t know how that kid watches multiple surf vlogs every week without eating a cyanide capsule sandwich. Sure, I’ll watch some Raw Beefs during my lunch break, but that’s only because I love watching surfers of all tiers get smokified at the Wedge.

My vlog thought process is the following:

If you spend your own free time watching other people eat acai bowls, you’re a fucking idiot.

Now that my feelings have been established and ignored, let’s get this ego-driven, views-sniffing, subscriber-clicking disaster moving.

Click – Flow Is Hotter Than The Flash From The Click
Channel Subs: 2.06k
Video Views: 164 (posted 2 hours ago)
Like/Dislike Ratio: 23/0

While Barron’s typical music selection has our balding staff reaching for the mute button, this was an improvement. I can live with hip hop, as long as it’s Tupac or Royce Da 5’9″. The ruggedness of the DJ Premier beat matches perfectly with Mamiya’s tenacity in the water. Barron’s homeland of Hawaii is considered the mecca of surfing, but sometimes an Indonesian getaway is needed. Relax, unwind, and throw more alley-oops than the Flint Michigan Tropics.

Click – Retracing your five-year-old Steps.
Channel Subs: 23.4k
Video views: 6,714
Like/Dislike Ratio: 1.3k / 1

The young French ripper had himself a little getaway to Costa Rica with the boys. The itinerary included Beach breaks, ATVs, and even some childhood memories. Kyllian shows us footage of him surfing a soft top in the whitewash of Playa Hermosa when he was five years old. Today, Guerin uses the same patch of sand as a landing strip for one of his cheeky punts. Alongside his surfing, production quality ain’t too shabby in itself. We are gifted with multiple camera angles, added animations, and even captions for us American-speaking speakers.

Miss – An Uncomfortable Opening Scene.
Channel Subs: 9.38k
Video Views: 4,971
Like/Dislike Ratio: 265/0

You can probably skip this week’s upload from Mr. Lau. Unless that is, you have a wild fantasy in which Zeke Lau is serenading you selfie-style on his couch while some robot contraption massages his lower body. I don’t workout (your boy is 120lbs of sour patch kids and soda pop), so exercise-centric vids are a no-go for me.
Also, after witnessing what Zeke can do at Sunset, a POV session Ala Moana Bowls isn’t worth waiting for the skip ad button to pop up. Two hundred sixty-five people disagree with me, and zero agree, so I’m probably at fault here.

Click – “Do one little air reverse, and you’re getting laid.”
Channel Subs: 2.25k
Video Views: 4,146
Like/Dislike Ratio: 84/9

Punk, disrespectful, and jackass are some of the words you’ll find commented under a Jacob Szekely Stab post. Considering the La Jolla native’s growing friendship with Bam Margera, I’d say the Jackass description is fair. Given I’ve never actually met Zeke, I can’t confirm the other comments. Regardless of your feelings towards the kid, it’s hard not to click on his videos when they pop up. I try to avoid dropping in on locals, massive acid drops, and dirt bikes in the skatepark, but if someone else wants to take the reigns, I’ll watch. With the addition of a new filmer, I imagine the Off The Chain crew is just getting started. Those rascals can cause enough ruckus to lower property values in La Jolla Shores

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