“Brett Simpson Is Our New World Champ”

While we sit here twiddling our thumbs, wondering when it will stop, surf carries on. We scratch our heads insatiably, recalling that it’s not until we are lost that we begin to find ourselves – either Donnie T or Thoreau said that, can’t remember who though. Anyway, hold tight; let’s delouse.

Here’s a quick recap from another week inside Stab and surfing: We had a gathering in Venice. We premiered a Danny Fuller profile film entitled, “No One’s Gonna Give You Nothing.” In our Instagram comments someone asked, “doesn’t that mean everyone’s gonna give you something?” We scratched. Shane Beschen took on the noble pursuit of changing the WSL judging criteria for the better. Our dear, Brendan Buckley cuckolded the Inertia into claiming dolphins are, in fact, people. Josh Kerr announced his retirement. We had a few too many party galleries. Michael Ciggymella rode a surfboard constructed out of 10,000 used smokes swiped off the beach. The title race had a script modification and is now heading to Pipe (climax!). We got news that the “greatest big wave event on earth” may run this weekend. We got confirmation said event will run. We decided wave pools are for old men. Pipeline nearly had its opening day. California pumped quietly. We announced a very important Fijian giveaway. A bunch of idiots ran their van into the ground in Baja and I had to transport them back into the US – after getting rip-roaring drunk and passing out before 10 pm. Mike Calculamella punched the number on the World Title scenarios. We announced Jules Wilson and Ashley O’s genetically entranced offspring, demanded a rivalry and presented Kelly Slater’s greatest retirement home for surfers.

We found something crawling in the disqus. Just then, below.

BONUS. Eye Exam: How Many Tubes Can You Spot In This Photo?

10. A Beautiful Night In San Sebastián

09. Watch: El Salvador Is For The Groms!

08. Green Light: Jaws Is Officially On

07. John Florence Is Running Away With The World Title In Europe

06. John Florence Is Running Away With The World Title In Europe

05. (Mini) Gallery: Not Quite Opening Day At Pipeline

04. Tournotes: Portugal Is Thumping

03. The Title Will Be Won In Hawaii

02. Green Light: Jaws Is Officially On

01. And Then There Were Four Or Gabriel Medina Wins Portugal