Stab Magazine | Answers To Every Question You’ve Ever Had About France

Answers To Every Question You’ve Ever Had About France

Coupled with a superb edit of cylindrical waves.

cinema // Apr 2, 2020
Words by stab
Reading Time: 3 minutes

Centuries ago, the Old French word romanz was used to describe something written in French rather than in Latin. This helped shape the word romance we use today. 

Between the wine, cheese, snails and nudity it’s still particularly easy to feel romantic about France. Throw in a few sandbars and cylinders and you’d think the place is paradise. Except fuck eating snails. 

Still, on paper — and in clips like this — it almost seems too good to be true. So, is it? 

I’ve lived here for nearly four years. If you talk to anyone born and bred in a surf town, that is more than enough time to qualify as an ultimate local deserving any wave they please and entitle them to present their opinions as facts on popular surf media outlets. 

So I asked myself every question you’ve ever had about France, then answered them. 

comedy eiffel france funny wallpaper preview 

How often is it actually like that? With all the tubes and whatnot. 
There are stretches where you might get three or four straight days of very good waves, or six of those days spread out across two weeks. There can also also be two-week stretches of 30 mph onshore wind. Planning a trip in advance will put you in hit-or-miss territory. You can probably count on 10 – 25 days of proper firing days in a year, with 5 of those days being particularly memorable. 

Do you stand in barrels all day? 
Yeah, we should probably talk about that. Those 10 – 25 days mentioned above? Those probably aren’t going to be full days. Tides are notoriously large here and many proper firing days are more like proper firing windows. You have to be on it. This is less than ideal for those who work full-time, like me. 

Is it hard to surf?
See all the Jet Skis in that clip? They’re there for a reason. A lot of swells (especially bigger and longer period ones) aren’t great for Hossegor’s jewel of La Graviere. When that’s the case, other banks often light up. But they are even more at the mercy of the tide and it is much easier to spend 90 minutes being perpetually out of position than it is to get a bunch of good waves. Having a Jet Ski opens up a new world of tubes for you here. 

Who’s the best when it’s pumping? 
Pretty much everyone you see in this clip. But Jeremy, when he’s around, seems to be on a different level. 

Can you still get waves in a crowded lineup? 
Yes. Especially on bigger days. Sound advice for any beachbreak tube, though: Find joy in packing closeouts. 

You ever go dick out on the beach? 
I think you have to be 80+ years old to do that. But it sounds pretty cool if I make it that far. 

Can you find empty waves? 
There’s a lot of open coastline between Hossegor and Bordeaux. You can do your research and pick a beach access point, park and walk until you find a treat. However, it is unlikely that you will stumble upon great waves. Them massive tides will have you roll straight past a bank that will fire in two hours. Unless you have inside info, it’s not worth taking the risk when you know somewhere more reliable (see: Hossegor) will be on. However, on a playful day, it’s worth checking out. 

Does speaking the language make you more cultured? 
You feel pretty cool when you first unleash your borderline incomprehensible sentences upon the ears of a mildly attractive baker. But if you stay for four years, you’ll eventually get to the level of a 5-year-old with learning disabilities and it will feel less romantic, so to speak.  

Does France have aliens too? 
I have never had an alien experience but I have no reason to believe they wouldn’t visit here. 

What about ghosts? 
Probably. There are a lot of old ass buildings here. One time, I tried checking into a hotel and nobody was at the front desk. This was in the middle of the countryside, incest vibes all over the place. I heard a noise upstairs so I tried to bonjour them. There was no response so I walked up a bit and tried again. Nothing. I noticed a creepy painting of a cat and left. 

Describe the best tits you’ve ever seen on the beach. 
No, that would be sexist. 

This is going south very quickly. 
I know, but you’re still reading. 

Any more questions?  
Would you like to know about the time I made love next to Le Rhône? 

No. Are you drunk? 
I am currently enjoying a Cote du Rhône from 2017. It was 5.95 Euros from the supermarket. Not bad. 

Please don’t embed that Billie Joel song that you falsely believe was in The Lion King.



Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up


Most Recent


Mick Fanning Samples California’s Finest Local Produce

Mayhem at Lowers.

Aug 16, 2022


What Happens When You Borrow A Pro’s Board?

Joyride: The Shrizz from PANDA surfboards.

Aug 16, 2022

Mountains Died So You Could Surf

The value of sand.

Aug 15, 2022


UPDATE: People Are Still Surfing ‘La Jetee’ in Reunion Island

Returning to the best & sharkiest air wave in the world, as seen in Mod…

Aug 14, 2022

These Are Your Favorite (Female) Surfers

What the Stab reader survey teaches us about taste.

Aug 14, 2022


Kelly and Local Gal to Win Teahupo’o?

Local insights and a firing forecast.

Aug 13, 2022

These Are Your Favorite (Male) Surfers

Insights from the 2022 Stab Reader survey.

Aug 13, 2022


Fear And Loathing in Mainland Mex

Parker Coffin, Harry Roach, and the Roark crew embark on an authentic Oaxacan (surf) trip.

Aug 13, 2022

Tahiti Preview: The End Of The Road For 72% Of The CT

And hello there, blob of swell.

Aug 12, 2022


While Everyone Flocked To Tahiti, Kelly Stayed in Jbay

...And proceeded to rip the hell out of it on a "borrowed" 5-finned Tomo.

Aug 11, 2022


Can A GQ Cover Boy Take Out Teahupo’o?

Kauli Vaast is your incredibly handsome Tahiti trials winner.

Aug 11, 2022

Watch: Ramble On With Caity Simmers 

An action-rich tour behind the scenes of her triumphant first voyage to Oz.

Aug 11, 2022

PSA: Surf Filmers Not Welcome In Nicaragua

Cameras and drones are being seized on arrival, Stab spoke with two recent visitors.

Aug 11, 2022

Inside The Alternative Surfboard Marketing Machine 

Two of the biz's best — Matt Parker and Blake Peters — spill many beans.

Aug 10, 2022

The Tragic Parallels Between The Murder Of Ricardo Dos Santos & 8x World Jiu Jitsu Champion Leandro Lo

Two Brazilian sporting icons killed brazenly by off-duty police officers.

Aug 9, 2022

The Pick-Up, Vans US Open: In The Belly Of The Beast

Finger flips, shaping with Zion Wright, slurpees, Hawaiian takeovers, and the king of Surfline rewinds.

Aug 8, 2022

Albee Layer Discusses His Not-So-Budding Acting Career And The Upcoming Film “Sweet Adventure”

"Matt and Nora were tripping a little harder than I was just because they weren't…

Aug 8, 2022

Zeke Lau & Bettylou Sakura Johnson Win The Vans US Open Of Surfing 

Hawaii dominates HB.

Aug 8, 2022