Answers To Every Question You’ve Ever Had About France

Centuries ago, the Old French word romanz was used to describe something written in French rather than in Latin. This helped shape the word romance we use today. 

Between the wine, cheese, snails and nudity it’s still particularly easy to feel romantic about France. Throw in a few sandbars and cylinders and you’d think the place is paradise. Except fuck eating snails. 

Still, on paper — and in clips like this — it almost seems too good to be true. So, is it? 

I’ve lived here for nearly four years. If you talk to anyone born and bred in a surf town, that is more than enough time to qualify as an ultimate local deserving any wave they please and entitle them to present their opinions as facts on popular surf media outlets. 

So I asked myself every question you’ve ever had about France, then answered them. 

How often is it actually like that? With all the tubes and whatnot. 
There are stretches where you might get three or four straight days of very good waves, or six of those days spread out across two weeks. There can also also be two-week stretches of 30 mph onshore wind. Planning a trip in advance will put you in hit-or-miss territory. You can probably count on 10 – 25 days of proper firing days in a year, with 5 of those days being particularly memorable. 

Do you stand in barrels all day? 
Yeah, we should probably talk about that. Those 10 – 25 days mentioned above? Those probably aren’t going to be full days. Tides are notoriously large here and many proper firing days are more like proper firing windows. You have to be on it. This is less than ideal for those who work full-time, like me. 

Is it hard to surf?
See all the Jet Skis in that clip? They’re there for a reason. A lot of swells (especially bigger and longer period ones) aren’t great for Hossegor’s jewel of La Graviere. When that’s the case, other banks often light up. But they are even more at the mercy of the tide and it is much easier to spend 90 minutes being perpetually out of position than it is to get a bunch of good waves. Having a Jet Ski opens up a new world of tubes for you here. 

Who’s the best when it’s pumping? 
Pretty much everyone you see in this clip. But Jeremy, when he’s around, seems to be on a different level. 

Can you still get waves in a crowded lineup? 
Yes. Especially on bigger days. Sound advice for any beachbreak tube, though: Find joy in packing closeouts. 

You ever go dick out on the beach? 
I think you have to be 80+ years old to do that. But it sounds pretty cool if I make it that far. 

Can you find empty waves? 
There’s a lot of open coastline between Hossegor and Bordeaux. You can do your research and pick a beach access point, park and walk until you find a treat. However, it is unlikely that you will stumble upon great waves. Them massive tides will have you roll straight past a bank that will fire in two hours. Unless you have inside info, it’s not worth taking the risk when you know somewhere more reliable (see: Hossegor) will be on. However, on a playful day, it’s worth checking out. 

Does speaking the language make you more cultured? 
You feel pretty cool when you first unleash your borderline incomprehensible sentences upon the ears of a mildly attractive baker. But if you stay for four years, you’ll eventually get to the level of a 5-year-old with learning disabilities and it will feel less romantic, so to speak.  

Does France have aliens too? 
I have never had an alien experience but I have no reason to believe they wouldn’t visit here. 

What about ghosts? 
Probably. There are a lot of old ass buildings here. One time, I tried checking into a hotel and nobody was at the front desk. This was in the middle of the countryside, incest vibes all over the place. I heard a noise upstairs so I tried to bonjour them. There was no response so I walked up a bit and tried again. Nothing. I noticed a creepy painting of a cat and left. 

Describe the best tits you’ve ever seen on the beach. 
No, that would be sexist. 

This is going south very quickly. 
I know, but you’re still reading. 

Any more questions?  
Would you like to know about the time I made love next to Le Rhône? 

No. Are you drunk? 
I am currently enjoying a Cote du Rhône from 2017. It was 5.95 Euros from the supermarket. Not bad. 

Please don’t embed that Billie Joel song that you falsely believe was in The Lion King.