Stab Magazine | All Rail, No Air With “The First Test-Tube Corelord”

Live Now — Episode 3 Of Surf100 Challenge Series Presented By Pacifico

221 Views

All Rail, No Air With “The First Test-Tube Corelord”

@surfcore2001 presents, Robbie Rickard and his dad’s 6’5 Dahlberg.

cinema // Jan 11, 2019
Words by Stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

In a few minutes time you’re going to fall into one of two categories.

Offended viewers, who’ll whine that Robbie Rickard isn’t utilising the breakwall reflection for aerial purposes, or that his taste in surfboards and hairstyle is outdated. Members of this class will disapprove of ‘doofy’ backing track, perhaps even turn their nose up at the clip’s producer, @surfcore2001’s handycam usage.

The rest of us will bow our heads before a work of core wizardry from Bob Dick and his mysto encyclopaedic-minded surf archivist, @surfcore2001.

Now, we’ll step aside and allow the author to introduce the piece in his own words:

Genetic Modification. Fucken dense topic. Some say it’s a perversion of nature. The dawn of the apocalypse. A punt on science with scorched earth consequences. Plagues, famines, Superviruses, who knows… Others say it’s essential to preserve the human race.

22 years ago, a professor at Surfcore University saw the eminent death of power surfing. To ensure the preservation of the rail-game genome, he covertly began ‘splicing da helix’ to create the first test-tube corelord.

Mixed in the petrie dish, the plump-thigh chromosome of Mal Maninga, DNA molecules from Bon Scott’s boof-mullet, two-squirts of Occy’s socially-inept seed and the nocturnal endurance stem-cells harvested from Chris Davidson at the 1999 ASP banquet.

Fertilised in the amniotic sack of a red kangaroo and intravenously fed servo pies. He grew rapidly. A low-performance upper body and high-performance lower body. Calves that could pull commodore wagon out of axle-deep mud.

Sure, there are flaws in the prototype, no comprehension of financial management, an insatiable thirst for domestic lagers and a scrotum that can not be contained in modern wetsuits. But the end result is a new generation of advanced GMO core lords. 

@robbierickard , A marvel of core science, riding his ‘real’ dad’s 6’5 Dahlberg. Documented by yours truly.

Hopefully, Rob will one day lay eggs and a new generation of core spawn will carry on his genetic legacy.

Fucken respect for watching, lords…takes ages to make clips.

#surfcorevolumeone #billyfullofbiohazard #dickhardrickard #plumpthighsofinstagram #downwiththethickness #testtubecorelords #railgamestemcells #whackingitgenome #torchedonscience #highdefinitioncalves #geneticallymodifiedcoreganisms #splicingdahelix #ilukahadroncollider #thanksrodneydahlberg #surfcore2001.com

We’ll leave this here – all credits to @surfcore2001, we recommend trailing his Instagram account or website.

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

Expect No Kiss, All Climax At The “World’s Most Perfect Pointbreak”

A Corona Cero Open J-Bay 2025 preview.

Jul 9, 2025

SEOTY: Liam O’Brien stars in ‘Friction of Perception’

"Hopefully I don’t come across like too much of a peanut."

Jul 8, 2025

10 Shapers To Watch In The Next 10 Years — Part One

“It’s like a drug empire, man. Cut the head off the snakes, and more will…

Jul 7, 2025

Mason Ho Joins Ritual Vision, Releases Remix Of Greatest Hits

Dion Agius riffs on the eyewear brand’s U.S. expansion, Ritualistic Tendencies, and the new stars…

Jul 7, 2025

Is It Time For A New Judging Format?

We have a modest proposal — a WSL head judge disagrees.

Jul 7, 2025

Luke Thompson Turns Last Year’s Priority Disaster Into Ballito Gold

+ earns himself a wildcard into Jbay.

Jul 7, 2025

Fiji Has Its First Professional Surfer, And He’s Unbelievable

16-year-old James Kusitino’s incomprehensible tube lounging leads to a deal with Former.

Jul 6, 2025

Laird Hamilton on The Limitations of Being a Purist, Invention vs. Ownership + Why He Never Had a Sticker Deal 

Untold stories from his How Surfers Get Paid interview.

Jul 4, 2025

Surf100 Challenge Series Presented By Pacifico: Episode 3

"The tribe has spoken," Dane Reynolds pronounced, and a surfer's torch was snuffed.

Jul 3, 2025

When Surfer’s Eye Is Actually Cancer

Erin Campbell's brutal journey from surf camp dreams to chemo drops, cryotherapy, and surgical horror.

Jul 3, 2025

Surfing’s 2025 Q2 Report

An assessment of surfing's vital signs throughout the second quarter of 2025.

Jul 2, 2025

What Actually Happened to Occy’s Mad Max Plunger Pool In Yeppoon?

Surf Lakes’ brass talks: internet hecklers, the unplugging of the plunger, and the Tom Curren…

Jul 2, 2025

Poor Goofy Foots 

Data shows that the world is stacked against goofs — they even make 15% less money than…

Jul 1, 2025

Britain’s First Wavepool Has Closed — What Really Happened?

Bankruptcy, social media hackings, debts unpaid — and yet, reopening looms.

Jul 1, 2025

Watch: Was Matt Meola’s Air Actually Better Than Hughie’s?

Watch the full Swatch Nines highlight reel and decide.

Jun 30, 2025

Houshmand Bludgeons Field To Win Second CT — Molly Picklum Tastes Blood, Snatches World #1 In Brazil

You can't argue with big surfing — that's Saquarema wrapped.

Jun 29, 2025

37 Years Old And World #1 — What’s Changed For Jordy Smith?

On rediscovering decades old surfboard templates, having a personality on the CT, and why this…

Jun 27, 2025

Tom Lowe Stars in ‘Let Me Live’

The wild, improbable ascent of Britain’s best big-wave surfer.

Jun 27, 2025
Advertisement