Stab Magazine | All Rail, No Air With “The First Test-Tube Corelord”

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All Rail, No Air With “The First Test-Tube Corelord”

@surfcore2001 presents, Robbie Rickard and his dad’s 6’5 Dahlberg.

cinema // Jan 11, 2019
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

In a few minutes time you’re going to fall into one of two categories.

Offended viewers, who’ll whine that Robbie Rickard isn’t utilising the breakwall reflection for aerial purposes, or that his taste in surfboards and hairstyle is outdated. Members of this class will disapprove of ‘doofy’ backing track, perhaps even turn their nose up at the clip’s producer, @surfcore2001’s handycam usage.

The rest of us will bow our heads before a work of core wizardry from Bob Dick and his mysto encyclopaedic-minded surf archivist, @surfcore2001.

Now, we’ll step aside and allow the author to introduce the piece in his own words:

Genetic Modification. Fucken dense topic. Some say it’s a perversion of nature. The dawn of the apocalypse. A punt on science with scorched earth consequences. Plagues, famines, Superviruses, who knows… Others say it’s essential to preserve the human race.

22 years ago, a professor at Surfcore University saw the eminent death of power surfing. To ensure the preservation of the rail-game genome, he covertly began ‘splicing da helix’ to create the first test-tube corelord.

Mixed in the petrie dish, the plump-thigh chromosome of Mal Maninga, DNA molecules from Bon Scott’s boof-mullet, two-squirts of Occy’s socially-inept seed and the nocturnal endurance stem-cells harvested from Chris Davidson at the 1999 ASP banquet.

Fertilised in the amniotic sack of a red kangaroo and intravenously fed servo pies. He grew rapidly. A low-performance upper body and high-performance lower body. Calves that could pull commodore wagon out of axle-deep mud.

Sure, there are flaws in the prototype, no comprehension of financial management, an insatiable thirst for domestic lagers and a scrotum that can not be contained in modern wetsuits. But the end result is a new generation of advanced GMO core lords. 

@robbierickard , A marvel of core science, riding his ‘real’ dad’s 6’5 Dahlberg. Documented by yours truly.

Hopefully, Rob will one day lay eggs and a new generation of core spawn will carry on his genetic legacy.

Fucken respect for watching, lords…takes ages to make clips.

#surfcorevolumeone #billyfullofbiohazard #dickhardrickard #plumpthighsofinstagram #downwiththethickness #testtubecorelords #railgamestemcells #whackingitgenome #torchedonscience #highdefinitioncalves #geneticallymodifiedcoreganisms #splicingdahelix #ilukahadroncollider #thanksrodneydahlberg

We’ll leave this here – all credits to @surfcore2001, we recommend trailing his Instagram account or website.


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