Why Australian ‘Patriots’ Should Stop Going to Bali

If you are part of the 49 percent of Australians who agree that Muslims should be banned from immigrating to Australia because you fear terrorism and radicalisation, Mosques and halal food, then it is probably not a good idea to travel to Bali this summer.

Unbeknownst to many Australians looking for a cheap, comfortable getaway destination, Bali’s population is over 13.4 percent Muslim; which is way more than Australia’s 2.2 percent. So if there is a terrorist threat in Australia, Bali is full heat. Why risk your life and the lives of your friends and your families by exposing them to Muslims abroad when you are unprepared to face them back home?

At least the Muslims in Australia have been diluted by our liberal democratic culture! In Bali, they are more likely to be volatile and dangerous. Especially since over 600,000 Australians travel to the small island each year, far more than the 400,000 Muslims who live permanently in Australia – and the Australians in Bali are much worse at assimilating. 

Since the first surfers began exploring the island 30 years ago, foreigners have introduced alcohol and mass inflation, resort chains and skanky clubs, driven over at least one million offerings and have come to own 85 percent of tourist businesses. So if Muslims are beginning to take over Australia by living in Sydney’s fringe suburbs and owning a few kebab shops (which we all enjoy despite our political leanings), then there is a full scale cultural apartheid in Bali, painted in the Southern Cross. 

Unfortunately, Bali’s beautiful beaches, epic rice paddies and world-class waves are just too dangerous for Australians. Anyone who has been to Bali will know what I am talking about. The high percentage of Muslims living there means there is a strong chance that the woman smiling and cooking you a delicious midnight nasi goreng on your way back from Single Fin or Sky Garden is a Muslim. 

It is also likely that your taxi driver, who you drunkenly told “I love your country,” is a Muslim too and that the profits of the nasi and the ride are being pumped straight into Islamic families and the Islamic religion – which is in the process of imprisoning our women, taking over the world and implementing sharia law, or something.

Even if you attempt to avoid Muslims in Bali and only do business with Hindus, part of every dollar you spend will inevitably go to Islam. You see, Bali belongs to a majority Muslim nation, Indonesia, which has over 202.9 million Muslims, the highest population of Muslims anywhere in the world. As a result, every tax you pay on the island, whether it is at the airport, on food, hotels or booze, is going straight to you know who (Muslims).

So if you truly believe that all Muslims are an organised malevolent force, violent and radicalised, pooling their funds to takeover the world, then it is time to cancel your ticket to Bali and forfeit the 300 dollars to Jetstar thanks to their bullshit no-refund policy. Pack your surfboards away and retrieve the deposit from the Uluwatu villa – you may even be able to claim it on travel insurance if you explain: Muslims.

Ban immigration, build a wall, fucking Brexit. Expatriates should repatriate, travellers return home – keep Australians in Australia and Australia Australian, Straya. Passports will become as redundant as white-owned kebab shops because there is no point in travelling abroad if we can’t accept the variety of cultures, religions and races in our own backyard. It is unfair to pull our piece of pie out of the world and then ask for a nibble (or in Bali’s case a massive chomp) of someone else’s.

Though, maybe escaping the xenophobic echoes of small white suburbs and experiencing different countries is exactly what some people need. Most Balinese are accepting of foreigners, and are keen to share their culture as well as learn about your own, regardless of how much Australiana has dominated their island – which is much smaller than ours. But if you do decide to go, be prepared to run into, potentially give money to, or even become friends with a few Muslims, which will be good practice for when you get home.