No Women Allowed: Welcome to INCEL

Last week, The San Diego Tribune ran a feature on the San Diego Surf Ladies—a women-only club dedicated to creating “a supportive community for women surfers.” 

Founded in 2004 by Jennifer Simmonson, it now boasts over 250 members. The club “hosts eight to 10 events a month, including beginning, intermediate and advanced surf sessions; group coaching events; surfing trips to Baja, Orange, L.A. and Ventura counties; social events; beach cleanups; fundraisers for local charities; and photo sessions. It also hosts surfing sessions and lessons for women just starting out in the sport.”

I am, of course, outraged.

In addition to the burdensome social strictures I already face as a White Man—such as the insistence I’m now held accountable for past actions; the denial of my right to wear racially themed costumes come Halloween; and the liberal crybabies that have deemed me unworthy of setting foot within 250 yards of any playgrounds or schools—I’m now told that I’m not allowed to join a surfing club that is located thousands of miles from where I live.

Just look at her, stomping around like she owns the place!

It’s a deeply unfair attack on my inclusive masculine identity and has led to a sense of oppression the depth of which no one else has ever experienced. What right do these women have to exclude based on gender? Do they have any idea how that makes me feel?

It’s a state of affairs that I cannot accept. One which must be answered in a knee-jerk response conjured without succumbing to the treachery of self-reflection.

It’s time for a something new, something bold. It’s time for a men-only surf club, a group dedicated to reveling in the joys of heteronormativity. A place where men can be men—nay! Where boys will be boys.

It’s well past time for a place where Modernity’s standards of Right and Wrong fall to the wayside in the face of the cold hard fact that I am simply incapable of controlling my base desires. A place for all the things these man-hating femme fascistes are trying to keep out.

…Girls just want have fun? Yeah right. This is evil personified.

Paragons of masculinity Gavin McInnes and Jordan Peterson are leading the way on land. McInnes recognizes that Western Chauvinism has created our near-Utopian modern world. Peterson declares without fear of reproach that ‘enforced monogamy’ is the only way of subduing the weaker sex’s penchant for moral iniquity.

But what about the sea? Where can surfers turn?

To me, of course! I’m proud to announce the creation of International Nautical Club for Excluding Ladies.

INCEL is a rude and crude crew where you lewd dudes can do you. Where you don’t need to check the room’s temperature before telling a bawdy tale. Where dongs pop out freely without fear of reprisal. Where we can surf free from the insidious influx of femininity polluting our lineups.

Finally!

Membership ain’t open to everyone, though. You’ve gotta earn it, pass the initiation. Swear to uphold our by-laws without question.

But it’ll be worth it. The benefits are top notch.

We take in boys of any ocean discipline!

1. Silence in the lineup

Have you ever listened to woman talk?  

I haven’t, but I assume it goes something like, “Blah blah blah, Amy Schumer. Blah blah, menstruation, blah blah blah.”

Who needs it? Men know the truth: silence is golden.

The only communication taking place between waves should come in the form of grunts, whistles, dirty looks, or punching.

Surfing is serious business. We’re not out there looking to hold hands and sing Kumbaya. We’re there to shred, bro!

Bonding is important.

2. Brotherhood Fellowship Trips

A trip to Baja, many years ago, found myself and two friends camping beachfront for a week while swell fired off nonstop.  It was a frigid winter and we had somehow neglected to bring sleeping bags.

For five nights we shared a three-man tent, one pillow, and a single blanket.  

Huddled together for warmth we bonded, spooning for survival. Sharing laughs and brotherhood and waking each dawn to morning wood pressed firmly against our lower backs.

Did I enjoy the feeling of safety and warmth I found cuddled between them? Hell no!

But it showed me how little men need women. Sure, it’s nice to rub against something soft and warm each night, but you can find that anywhere. In a dog, a sack full of socks, or a male friend’s unconscious form.

To that end INCEL will host monthly camping trips, no women allowed.

Man stuff.

3. The Gauntlet

You may be saying to yourself, “This sounds great, Rory, but how are we gonna keep out the gays?!”

Great question! Important one too.

It must be remembered that the club is not about loving men. It’s mostly about abhoring women.

To which end we have The Gauntlet. Each initiate must prove their rampant heterosexual splendor by disrobing, then achieving and maintaining an erection using only a photograph of Tomi Lahren, while each club member tweaks the tip of the initiate’s exposed penis.

It’s an ordeal in which only the straightest will be able to retain full tumescence, ensuring that no one need fear sharing a tent with some sneaky degenerate.

Isn’t Slater half-Syrian? Out! Photo: WSL

4. Whites only

This is a policy that will rub many the wrong way.  

Denying membership based on the color of one’s skin seems, on its face, racist. But it isn’t. Seriously.

I know it isn’t because it’s my policy and I’m definitely not a racist. I’m not going to waste my time explaining the totally-not-racist thought process I’ve employed to justify the policy, so you’ll just have to take me at my word. I’m not racist, and if you say I am I’ll know that you are the real racist. Because that’s how it works.

Meninism is your new dogma. Get acquainted.

5. Social Media

Everyone knows you can’t have a club without a strong social media presence. Where most go wrong is in the belief that said presence necessitates building something of your own.

Au contraire! While creating something can be fun, it pales in comparison to the pleasure of tearing something down. And nothing makes you feel like a real man quite like anonymously harassing women online.  

Harassment is part of what makes America great. It’s something in which our Founding Fathers believed so strongly that they enshrined it in our Constitution—between the part that says you can deny service based on sexuality, and the part that enshrines your right to open carry a semi-automatic rifle loaded with cop-killer bullets.

Each new member will be issued a series of fresh social media accounts adorned with anime character avatars with which they must work to rid the internet of female presence.  

Vague (or not) threats, swatting, dick pics, demeaning messages—the only restriction is your imagination!

We’ll help you protect yourself from the ocean and the more-common-than-you’d think female-on-male rape.

6. Self Defense

It’s never been a scarier time to be a straight white surfer.  

A concealed pistol goes a long way to protecting the sanctity of your body, but one can’t ignore that the biggest threat men face today is Accusations From Women.

In this PC culture run amok, all a woman need do is accuse a man of misdeeds to conjure up a gallery of effete pansies clamoring in agreement.  

I mean, sure, plenty of people will call her a liar. Many others will feel so uncomfortable they ignore the situation entirely. In the end there will likely be no charges filed.  

But if the recent Supreme Court debacle taught us anything, it’s that accusations are pretty inconvenient.

Which is why a portion of your INCEL dues will go toward retaining counsel and providing seminars on consent. What consent looks like, how to claim it was given, and of course ways in which one can muddy the moral waters and lay blame on others.

Don’t be one of the millions of men saddled with false accusations. Learn how to protect yourself; go on the offensive. By banding together it is possible to mount a legal defense that can withstand even the most glairing ‘evidence.’

Why not join today? For a mere $200 a year you can become a member of the fastest growing men’s advocacy group in surfing. You’ll grow strong, empowered, finally divest yourself of the “soyboy” “libtard” cuckery beaten into your brain by the domineering social gynarchy.

Because the way you feel isn’t wrong!  It’s everyone else who has the problem.

Email [email protected] for payment details.