Stab Magazine | The Weird Finless Soft Top Movement Is Upon Us

And The Winners Of The Vans Triple Crown of Surfing Are... Watch The Pick-Up Episode 5, Presented by Vans, To Find Out

2087 Views

The Weird Finless Soft Top Movement Is Upon Us

Blame the jocks. 

news // May 31, 2017
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

There is a movement sweeping the globe, spreading like a plague. It is transcending cultural barriers and surfacing at lineups from Byron to Bilbao to the other part of Byron. It is made of soft foam and has no appendages that resemble those of a shark. It looks something like this.

http://vimeo.com/218501547

In other words, it is riding a wave like a penis man. Or a potato eel. Or a soft spaceman? To the best of my knowledge, this genre of surfing(?) does not yet have a name.

While lying on your board and behaving like an erratic dildo is nothing new, it has surged in popularity of late. I first noticed its uprise when a crew from Byron Bay saw, through purposely weird sunglasses, a standard of wave riding that was all too bland. So they got weird. Real weird. I’ve since seen everyone from 6x World Champ Stephanie Gilmore to 13x Victoria Bitter medalist Noa Deane participate and it is now officially a thing. 

How did this happen? I blame the jocks. Almost any movement — in life, in culture — is a reaction. The wild beat and hippie generations would’ve never existed if not for the tight-ass times that preceded them. So this, the potato-eeling, probably came from the WSL and the Red Bull hats and the general seriousness that pulled its hand away from an ice cold beer and gripped the neck of professional surfing into a sombre stranglehold. For every meaningless post heat interview, a fin falls out of a thruster.

I back it.

I’ve tried becoming a penis man and while it does feel a little bit insensitive to those who have been pulled out of the water unconscious at Pipe, it is incredibly fun. I’ve also laughed at the disgusted faces of the lineup when someone comes sliding by on a wave in the potato fashion. And you’ve disgusted the serious, you must be doing something right.

The hard thing with surfing, though, is that there is no definite right. Which should mean there should be no definite wrong, but we’ve all seen enough to dispose of that cute little fallacy. Still, we’re cursed by subjectivity — what really makes three of Mick’s turns better than one of Jadson’s airs? Is it speed? Power? Flow? Fluent English?

https://www.youtube.com/embed/p0dTSaX51zQ

We should consider ourselves lucky that when people decided there was more to life than cowboying down the line on a 9’2” single fin, surfing evolved. Imagine where “progressive surfing” could have gone. Shit could’ve got real ugly. Although we should still probably give Junkyard Johnnie of Kalbarri some sort of lifetime achievement award for his efforts.

So, let’s appreciate modern surfing and welcome the penis man movement with open…nevermind. But still, welcome it. Much like the WSL saying they won’t favour men over women in terms of running when the waves are actually good, this will all just be a fad.

And after all, isn’t surfing supposed to be fun?

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

Full Moon Surfs, Impassable Puddles, And A Few Nights Spent Sleeping In A WSL Commentary Booth

A reader-submitted collection of nonconformist surf stories.

Jan 27, 2023

Carissa Moore And Finn McGill Are Your 2023 Vans Triple Crown Of Surfing Champions 

They both pocket $50k and tickets to this year’s Vans Pipe Masters.

Jan 27, 2023

The Pick-Up, Presented By Vans, Episode 5

Mason Ho helps us ring in our final week on the North Shore.

Jan 27, 2023

Goofyfoot Brazilian World Champion Stars In Stab’s Biggest Board-Testing Franchise

Can you guess who?

Jan 26, 2023

Surf Community Rallies To Raise Funds For Eddie Winner And On-Duty Hawaiian Lifeguard Luke Shepardson

Because it's the right thing to do, of course.

Jan 26, 2023

Interview: Caity Simmers On Machete Wars, Rihanna, Personal Project Problems, And The Rise Of Female Surf Content. 

A toast to ‘Toasted.’

Jan 25, 2023

Stab Surfer of the Year: Creed McTaggart, Albee Layer, Laura Enever, Dane Guduaskas, and Selema Masekela

Day 8: "65 years young and charging just as hard as ever at Pipe, Backdoor,…

Jan 25, 2023

“I’m Not A Big Wave Guy”

How Kai Paula accidentally made his mark at Jaws three weeks after surfing it for…

Jan 24, 2023

Everyone Went.

A toes in the sand, phone in the lagoon account of the 10th Eddie Aikau…

Jan 24, 2023

Breaking: Another CT Rookie Injured Before First Event

Sophie McCulloch pulls out of Pipeline due to Snapper Rocks snafu.

Jan 23, 2023

23:26

Watch: ‘Toasted,’ By Caity Simmers

Your favorite surfer directs, edits, and stars in her first feature film. 

Jan 23, 2023

On-Duty North Shore Lifeguard Luke Shepardson Wins The Eddie Aikau

Local man prevails over 39 big-wave heavyweights at 29ft @ 19 seconds Waimea.

Jan 23, 2023

The Eddie Aikau Invitational Is On

Grab a beverage and enjoy surfing's Super Bowl Sunday

Jan 22, 2023

The Women’s CT Is About To See A Generational Shift 

Only three women have won a Title in the past 15 years. Here's why that's…

Jan 22, 2023

4:58

“One For Marcio” – Albee Layer’s Tribute To Mad Dog

Imagine treating 30ft Jaws like Backdoor.

Jan 22, 2023

Stab Surfer of the Year: Noa Deane, Jamie O’Brien, Parker Coffin, Cliff Kapono, and Brendan Buckley

Day 7: "It's like he feels more comfortable when it’s as gnarly as it gets."…

Jan 21, 2023

Five Reasons Why The Eddie Still Matters

With better waves around the world and likely no prize money, why is The Eddie…

Jan 20, 2023

35:26

The Pick-Up, Presented By Vans, Episode 4

The science behind morning sickness, Sunset sliding with Noa Deane, and bailing on a President…

Jan 20, 2023
Advertisement