The Surf Industry’s Most Mysterious Cabal Got A New President

File it under news that doesn’t matter but which we must address for some inexplicable reason.

Billabong Global Brand President, Shannan North, has been appointed President of the Surf Industry Manufacturers Association.

What is SIMA, you ask?

It’s a cabal formed by people who sell surf-related stuff in order to help each other sell more surf related-stuff, and network.

It supposedly does some variety of philanthropic work on occasion, though I’d be hard pressed to tell you exactly what it is they do. It also serves as a type of self-designated Waterman certification board.

These days, you can certify pretty much anything. Not long ago, my wife came across a flyer at a local pet store advertising the services of a dog masseuse. She thought that our dog, Mr Debs, would enjoy a massage and declared she planned on calling the lady when we got home.

At seventy five bucks an hour, I found it ridiculously overpriced, in addition to the very concept being dumber than shit. Why on earth would I pay a stranger to pet my dog? He’s super friendly and cute as all hell. I can get that shit for free walking him through Kapa’a.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=4&v=Tzz06h-P-9g

“It’s not petting. She’s a masseuse. She has a certification and everything.”

“Really? A certification? In fucking dog massage? I don’t believe that’s a thing and, even if it is, it’s a stupid thing. My mother is certified in human massage and she’s a… The bar ain’t gotta be that high.”

Missing the point entirely, my wife proceeded to pull out her phone and prove that, in fact, dog massage certifications are very much real.

She often plays willfully dense and, in this instance, insisted on pretending my objections were with the woman’s credentials rather than the concept, itself.

SIMA’s Instagram points those who wish to learn more about Mr. North’s objectives toward their website.

“At the August 7 monthly SIMA Board meeting, new Board president Shannan North outlined SIMA’s key goals and objectives for 2019 which include Waterman’s, Business Sustainability Alliance, re-launch of the SIMA Awards (details to be announced in the coming weeks), Float Collective, overhaul of Surf Summit, consumer research/insights, Boot Camps, increasing the membership base, and improving communication with members.”

I can’t be bothered to learn what any of that means. 

Instead I googled ‘SIMA’ and learned that Sima is a type of mead made from lemons, yeast, raisins, and whatever variety of sugar or honey one has on hand. It sounds disgusting.

I hate raisins with a burning passion.