Stab Magazine | Surf Used To Sell Dystopian Music Festival!

And The Winners Of The Vans Triple Crown of Surfing Are... Watch The Pick-Up Episode 5, Presented by Vans, To Find Out


Surf Used To Sell Dystopian Music Festival!

Living It Up on a tropical island nightmare.

news // May 4, 2017
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

From the poorly-lit cubicle of StabMZ: 

Unless you literally only read Stab every single day (in which case, thank you), then you’ll know about rapper Ja Rule’s Fyre Festival. Updates from the calamitous, Lord of the Flies-on-a-tropical-island scam have been clogging news feeds without pause.

Non-existent infrastructure, inadequate food and water supplies, struggling security, ticket holders being forced to sleep in disaster relief tents, all wrapped up in a tropical storm. It was the type of historic clusterfuck one would expect Ja Rule to execute, if he were trusted with multiple payouts of US$1,200 (the average cost of a single ticket) in 2017. Definitely some fun Googling if you have some time to kill. 

What’s this got to do with surfing? Nothing, really – except, something caught Stab’s eye while perusing a Vanity Fair article recently. It was a page lifted from the festival’s leaked sales prop:

1493733321877 slack imgs

Computer: Enhance.

Is that… a surfer slob-grabbing in black and white? Why yes, it is.

The above collage was taken from the event’s initial pitch to investors — a 43-page document you can get your hands on here. Something Vanity Fair’s Nick Bilton calls “One of the most preposterous invitations for outside capital that I have ever seen.”

Ja Massagr

The experience Ja Rule promised Fyre Festival attendees, as demonstrated by Ja Rule.

Our unnamed aerialist (first thought to be Craig Anderson but on closer inspection, actually not), specifically appears in the “Fyre Squad” (cringe) section of the pitch. Which highlights key social media influencers that would spread the good word about the festival. People who Ja Rule, as the document literally quotes, were picked as he only, “Seeks those who light your flames.” 

Stab likes to picture Ja Rule Google-Imaging “surfer+surfing+black+white”… but in reality the sales deck was probably made by the douchey 25-year-old tech bro who co-organised the event… or one of his unpaid employees. 

Surf sells!


Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up


Most Recent

Stab Surfer of the Year: John John Florence, Italo Ferreira, Balaram Stack, Rolo Montes, and Shaun Manners

Day 9: "You can't do better than his year last year." - John John Florence

Jan 28, 2023

Full Moon Surfs, Impassable Puddles, And A Few Nights Spent Sleeping In A WSL Commentary Booth

A reader-submitted collection of nonconformist surf stories.

Jan 27, 2023

Carissa Moore And Finn McGill Are Your 2023 Vans Triple Crown Of Surfing Champions 

They both pocket $50k and tickets to this year’s Vans Pipe Masters.

Jan 27, 2023


The Pick-Up, Presented By Vans, Episode 5

Mason Ho helps us ring in our final week on the North Shore.

Jan 27, 2023

Goofyfoot Brazilian World Champion Stars In Stab’s Biggest Board-Testing Franchise

Can you guess who?

Jan 26, 2023

Surf Community Rallies To Raise Funds For Eddie Winner And On-Duty Hawaiian Lifeguard Luke Shepardson

Because it's the right thing to do, of course.

Jan 26, 2023

Interview: Caity Simmers On Machete Wars, Rihanna, Personal Project Problems, And The Rise Of Female Surf Content. 

A toast to ‘Toasted.’

Jan 25, 2023

Stab Surfer of the Year: Creed McTaggart, Albee Layer, Laura Enever, Dane Guduaskas, and Selema Masekela

Day 8: "65 years young and charging just as hard as ever at Pipe, Backdoor,…

Jan 25, 2023

“I’m Not A Big Wave Guy”

How Kai Paula accidentally made his mark at Jaws three weeks after surfing it for…

Jan 24, 2023

Everyone Went.

A toes in the sand, phone in the lagoon account of the 10th Eddie Aikau…

Jan 24, 2023

Breaking: Another CT Rookie Injured Before First Event

Sophie McCulloch pulls out of Pipeline due to Snapper Rocks snafu.

Jan 23, 2023


Watch: ‘Toasted,’ By Caity Simmers

Your favorite surfer directs, edits, and stars in her first feature film. 

Jan 23, 2023

On-Duty North Shore Lifeguard Luke Shepardson Wins The Eddie Aikau

Local man prevails over 39 big-wave heavyweights at 29ft @ 19 seconds Waimea.

Jan 23, 2023

The Eddie Aikau Invitational Is On

Grab a beverage and enjoy surfing's Super Bowl Sunday

Jan 22, 2023

The Women’s CT Is About To See A Generational Shift 

Only three women have won a Title in the past 15 years. Here's why that's…

Jan 22, 2023


“One For Marcio” – Albee Layer’s Tribute To Mad Dog

Imagine treating 30ft Jaws like Backdoor.

Jan 22, 2023

Stab Surfer of the Year: Noa Deane, Jamie O’Brien, Parker Coffin, Cliff Kapono, and Brendan Buckley

Day 7: "It's like he feels more comfortable when it’s as gnarly as it gets."…

Jan 21, 2023

Five Reasons Why The Eddie Still Matters

With better waves around the world and likely no prize money, why is The Eddie…

Jan 20, 2023