Stab Magazine | Soccer Proves That Brazil Will Lose The World Title This Year
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Soccer Proves That Brazil Will Lose The World Title This Year

Serious Surf Jernalizm: SPF rankings after J-Bay Open.

news // Jul 14, 2018
Words by stab
Reading Time: 4 minutes

As the WSL continues its quest to go viral, there is a new sickness spreading around the world like a trash fire on Bali (slowly and with lots of odor). It’s called the World Cup fever and everybody’s got it.

I have watched a total of 3.5 total games now, which makes me one of the most well-versed journalists on the subject. I can say with confidence that the Brazilian team was dazzling.

Their game looked very fast and so fun and it felt totally alive. They made soccer seem like it was something that should be enjoyed and innovated rather than a venue to demonstrate a boring approach strategically designed to manipulate the system into declaring you the victor.

They lost.

Which is exactly how Filipe Toledo and Italo Ferreira will lose the World Title this year.

If I was the WSL CEO Sarah Mulanovich, I would avert this crisis by simply awarding one of them the World Title right now — but that’s probably not going to happen because nobody has any balls anymore.

More on that later.

#69 Cambridge Analytica

With fans worldwide celebrating the arrival of the WSL on Facebook Live, this now-defunct company missed an opportunity to extract and sell information about our personal lives so that they could target the liberal yahoos in New Hampshire with ads for resin tinted twin fins. #AnalyzeHeatsNotData

#32 Whoever finishes 8th on the QS at the end of 2018

He is a burden on all of us.

#28 Sharks

Typical millennials. Not willing to fight for anything, just expecting a handout. They could learn a thing or two about entitlement from the badasses at Lunada Bay.

#20 Keanu Asing and Michael February

With the WSL’s pay gap issue on everyone’s mind, these two are set to be the posterchilds of the equality movement. Out of the CT surfers who have surfed all six events so far, they are tied at $64,500 for the lowest season earnings. Meanwhile, Filipe Toledo has earned $268,500.

This proves that the corrupt WSL has a bigoted policy of discriminating against people who don’t surf as good.

#14 Joel Parkinson

The end of an era. It’s sad to see one of surfing’s most stylish go — it really is a shame that they took style out of the criteria. If they hadn’t, Stu Kennedy would have already won like three World Titles by now.

Stu Style

#12 Kanoa Igarashi

What the fuck happened to his surfing at J-Bay? I haven’t seen someone move the needle like that since Neco Padaratz.

#14 Kai Lenny

He already won the US Open.

#13 Kolohe Andino

Kolohe had a seemingly emotional reaction in Round 3 after Freddy Morais stole the heat from him. I’m a big fan of people who wear their heart on their sleeve. To me, it’s clear that he wasn’t crying and is just allergic to winning.

Kolohe Andino

#7.17 Wade Carmichael

It was Richie Porta who once said the best surfer in the water is the one doing the most turns.

#5 Gabriel Medina

He’s a metrosexual boogieman to every World Title contender. Always lurking, always threatening, always trying to find that Achilles heel. It’s a proven fact that having shaved armpits makes you better at paddle battles.

Screen Shot 2018 07 12 at 8.00.48 PM

#3 Filipe Toledo and Italo Ferreira

If they didn’t surf so good, one of them would win the World Title this year. PS – if anyone wants to sponsor Filipe, just give his manager a shout. Plenty of room on that board still.

#2 Julian Wilson

Something about him being associated with a yellow Jeep feels right. He’s going to finish this year the same way he started.

#1 Brodie Carr

In 2011, under the lead of CEO Brodie Carr, the ASP accidentally awarded Kelly Slater the World Title early. Brodie “resigned” that year and the ASP was acquired by ZoSea Media in 2012. They had deep pockets and mainstream dreams.

My theory is that upon leaving, Brodie put a curse on the ASP (now WSL) that dictates the organization will never make it big. The ASP was core as fuck. The commentary at most events were essentially glorified Occ-casts and, if you think about it, awarding a World Title without any mathematical grounds is probably the coolest thing you could do.

I reached out for comment on the matter but received no response.

Screen Shot 2018 03 19 at 13.34.36 PM

Grinder of the events, in loving memory of Bede Durbidge

The fans. 

Screen Shot 2018 07 12 at 10.20.21 PM

Meditation of the event

Namaste.

Screen Shot 2018 07 12 at 10.01.40 PM

Conspiracy theory of the event

The only reason that Kelly surfed in this event was to prove to the WSL that his surfing isn’t the problem — it’s his board’s fault — which means he should get the wildcard into the 2020 Olympics held at his pool which is being built in Tokyo by the Rothschild family (who did 9/11, by the way).

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