Power Post-Trestles Power Rankings

The Dream Tour is alive, and it is a juxtaposition. Young and old, prog and ‘purist’, above-the-lip varials and pocket-wraps. Stab co-founder and editor, Derek Rielly, studies each event more closely than most, and his analysis of each competitor is far from rudimentary. So, what’s he have to say for Surfline‘s most recent power-rankings, in the lingering smoke of the Hurley Pro’s loaded gun?

“How does it feel to be engaged? The rustle is in the water and in the food joints over breakfast tacos. Julian was robbed – that ain’t no interference! Joel says Jules is a crab! Y’see Mick on that Mayhem? Electric!

Meanwhile, Adriano, panting obscenely, blows his scooze over a year-old KS slight! Taj bows his head in defeat again! Forty year olds against teens! And a zip-fat beanpole from an Australian country town meets the alpha male of the group (AMOG) in three consecutive finals, wrong-footed at one from three.

Has the tour ever been this good? I’ve drifted in and out of the scene since the debut of Kelly and I can tells ya, we’re living in a golden age.

The judging is as tight as it’s ever been and the mid-year slice allows the peach pits to hit the spittoon where they belong. Goodbye Bobby and the rest of the spoiled middle-class heroes! Hello Miguel! Hello Gabs! Helllllllo Johnny!”

Here’s some morsels to wet your whistle:

1. Kelly Slater: “With destiny pursuing him like a bloodhound, Kelly has come to realize that the meaning of life can be found within the walls of a 30-minute heat. A surprisingly thin-skinned and serious soul, twenty years on tour has exposed Kelly to the high of world dominance, the deep pains of unexpected defeat and the sense to know that inertia means death.”

9. Adriano De Souza: “It’s f**k or be f**ked, according to Adriano. Brazil’s highest-rated surfer has unlocked every code in the opposition’s game book. You want a finner? You want to see air revs? You want deep cuts to the wave face? The point Adriano still misses is that fierce often appears as mean.”

19. John Florence: Ask any of the players who’ve filmed John about his ability, ask Kai Neville and he’ll attempt to reach for adjectives that don’t exist. It is a truism of any competitive sport that is judged subjectively that you gotta throw up a little smoke and mirrors however superficial if you want to really succeed. Work on it.

26. Kai otton: Kai is like a little Roquefort cheese morsel rolled in crushed nuts. Very tasty. Very subtle. But, the world tour in 2011 prefers meatballs like Jordy and Owen to little Roquefort cheese morsels in crushed nuts this way.

Read the whole thing here.