Stab Magazine | Noseguard Eye Injuries, "Just One More Wave", And The WSL's Response To Dane's Instagram Hate

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Noseguard Eye Injuries, “Just One More Wave”, And The WSL’s Response To Dane’s Instagram Hate

You guessed it, another week in the greenroom. 

news // Nov 11, 2018
Words by The Greenroom
Reading Time: 3 minutes

As the flurry of clips began to drop featuring the first waves from Surf Lakes, questions were quickly asked. “How big can it get? How many waves per minute? What’s the hissing noise?” But the one thing one everyone’s mind was, “Is that place really called Yeppoon?”

Poon Town, Calling bullshit on “one last wave”, Pottstradamus and just exactly what Joe Turpel thinks of Tomas Hermes, all seen from inside The Greenroom.

nose3

”I’m just gonna catch one more in” he says for the 3rd time this session, nose growing like Pinocchio as he paddles back out into the line up. He knew it wasn’t going to be his last wave, you knew it wasn’t going to be his last wave but you still gave it to him on the off chance that he would finally fuck off out of the line up.

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Recent reports by the Greenroom’s medical institute have shown an alarming rise in the incidence of eye injuries since the nose guard lost its “cool factor.” Some might say it never had any “cool factor” to begin with – although they could be wrong – citing that a rubber nose guard won’t reduce the blinding ability of a 90’s rockered out stick. But the inverse correlation between nose guard usage and eye incidents suggests otherwise. 

simpo copy

Noa Deane says Dane Reynolds is the best surfer in the world. Either he has never heard the saying “The best surfer in the water is the one having the most fun”, or he has no idea who Brett Simpson is.

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“Yeah I can fix that ding for you.” were the famous last words from a mate who just turned your new board with a ding into a runny mess of melted, liquid foam.

That super light EPS core now looks like a bowl of nachos, covered in runny cheese, thanks to the polyester resin and your local Ding Doctor having no clue what he is doing.

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Just a day after Dane announced the WSL’s Instagram feed as “The worst pandering bullshit, that’s just exploiting surfing”, the WSL’s social media team has responded in either…

a) the most clueless way, posting a clip of Dane;

b) the funniest way, posting a clip of Dane; or

c) the most pandering bullshit way, exploiting a clip of Dane.

We can only dream that Dirk Ziff has taken control of the WSL IG’s password and is sitting looking at his gold plated iPhone X thinking “You know what? Fuck Dane,when you try to take us down, you are not just going after us. You are going after Kelly Slater.You are going after the dreams of Caroline Marks.You are undermining the hopes of every kid who lives with salt in their hair, dreaming of being a world champion one day. Dane Shreds…

 

After getting bent over by the judges in in the Quiky Pro France, Tomas Hermes rightfully wasn’t too happy; and he let Rosy Hodge know. Fast forward a week and Tomas was “liking” his time in Portugal a whole lot better. Even Joe agrees that you can’t help but like the guy.

 

Pottstradamus is one of the most prophetic voices of our time. We didn’t ask for him or deserve him but he is what destiny delivered us. His insights into the future are second to none.

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