Let’s All Get Kelly Slater Trucker Hats

The WSL’s World Championship Tour is more than just a series of surf competitions. 

It is a cultural experience. Every stop comes with its own sensory signature. Like the sight of hormone-fucked farm animals in Lemoore. Or the sound of a violent mugging in Rio. Or the smell of dead fish wafting through the charming seaside village of Peniche. 

A tour of dreams. 

Yesterday, we saw a full day of competition at the Rip Curl Pro and absolutely nothing happened. Today was different, though. With overhead swell and a hint of onshore wind, we saw another full day of competition — but it was cool because people actually won and lost heats instead of getting seeded or whatever. 

Round 2 casualties were Ryan Callinan, Ricardo Christie, Ezekiel Lau, Seth Moniz and Alana Blanchard. May Ricky Basnett bless each and every one of them. Malia Manuel also left the building, but due to an injury instead of a loss. May John John’s ligaments bless her, too.   

We saw two Colapintos in the first two heats of the day. It’s always nice to see brothers on tour. Andy and Bruce, CJ and Damien, Mikey and Owen, Kelly and Jake Patterson, etc. Griffin won and Crosby lost to Jordy.

Kolohe Andino won his heat and officially qualified for the Olympics. He looked quite Olympian on the beach after, with those sunglasses and everything. Pretty sure he can be an alternate for the Modern Pentathalon division in those things. 

Filipe Toledo surfed another solid heat, regardless of the back injury. It sucks to see him go through this instead of being in that fiery little Fil zone he taps into at beach breaks, before tucking back into the arms of his daddy when surfing over reef.

Want to put on our Kelly Slater trucker hats like it’s 2006? Let’s put on our Kelly Slater trucker hats like it’s 2006. He’s the fucking best. He’s been surfing for five hours a day and he did a turn in his heat that proves that he still rides waves unlike every other person in existence. He was tearing and put up the highest heat total of the day until Peterson Crisanto.

Yep, just wrote that. To be fair, he landed this: 

Some of you might be wondering if the World Number One Jeep Leaderboard Leading Board Rider Gabriel Medina won his heat today. Those same people are also wondering if the sun will rise in the east tomorrow. 

Of course he won. 

Jeremy Flores didn’t win today (thanks to the aforeposted air of Peterson Crisanto), but he did qualify for the Olympics. After learning this news, the Frenchman then gave one of the best interviews of his career, where he half-heartedly feigned excitement about surfing in the 2020 Games.   

Watch the video and decide for yourself if, a) Jeremy Flores gives a shit about the Olympics and b) if Fernando Aguerre is pointing a poison dart at his head from behind the camera. 

Also, how alpha would it be if Jeremy retired from the Tour after Pipe then proceed to drink beer and eat baguettes for the next six months, arriving in Tokyo 20-kg heavier and with a 6’6 egg under arm?

‘Lympics!

Caio and Jesse both won their heats today. Jesse even did a pretty cool straight air, then he ruined it by whitewater rafting for a generous 15 seconds. 

Meanwhile, Italo went full-Italo, catching 16 waves and amassing an identical heat score, downing the local boy whose surfing is brought to us by Sqatty Potty and Prudential Investments. There was a tiny bit of drama in the Ferreira camp when Italo, the little fireball that he is, launched a huge frontside rev to the flats, lost his back foot on impact, then managed to regain control after fumbling in the wash. 

The judges either scored it below a five or gave it an incomplete, which on first inspection appeared cruel. However, a more in-depth look revealed that Italo used his hand to stand back up on his board, which is a major no-no in surf. Not quite as bad as Slater’s 4.17, but in the same ballpark. 

Italo, clearly incensed by the decision, went out and stomped a massive backside full rote and humped vigorously toward the judges in celebration. This is good sport. 

Later, Conner Coffin did a backside turn that would have felt like scissors through gift wrap. 

Jack Freestone all but clinched his 2020 Tour card with a win against Joan Duru (who all but lost his), and Julian Wilson knocked himself out of 2020-2024 World Title contention with a loss against Soli Bailey, who according to the WSL website has been on Tour all year. 

Conditions look fairly awful for the remainder of the event window. Tomorrow is the biggest day in the forecast but will probably be onshore. Either Gabriel or Italo will win regardless of conditions, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it either way.

Fan or competitor. 

MEO Rip Curl Pro Portugal Men’s Round 4 Matchups:
HEAT 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Griffin Colapinto (USA) 
HEAT 2: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 
HEAT 3: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Wade Carmichael (AUS) 
HEAT 4: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Kelly Slater (USA) 
HEAT 5: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Caio Ibelli (BRA) 
HEAT 6: Peterson Crisanto (BRA) vs. Jesse Mendes (BRA) 
HEAT 7: Italo Ferreira (BRA) vs. Conner Coffin (USA) 
HEAT 8: Jack Freestone (AUS) vs. Soli Bailey (AUS) 

MEO Rip Curl Pro Portugal Women’s Round 3 Matchups:
HEAT 1: Caroline Marks (USA) vs. Bronte Macaulay (AUS) 
HEAT 2: Stephanie Gilmore (AUS) vs. Macy Callaghan (AUS) 
HEAT 3: Sally Fitzgibbons (AUS) vs. Keely Andrew (AUS) 
HEAT 4: Tatiana Weston-Webb (BRA) vs. Coco Ho (HAW) 
HEAT 5: Carissa Moore (HAW) vs. Paige Hareb (NZL) 
HEAT 6: Johanne Defay (FRA) vs. Brisa Hennessy (HAW) 
HEAT 7: Lakey Peterson (USA) vs. Silvana Lima (BRA) 
HEAT 8: Courtney Conlogue (USA) vs. Nikki Van Dijk (AUS) 

MEO Rip Curl Pro Portugal Men’s Round 3 Results:
HEAT 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 8.57 DEF. Crosby Colapinto (USA) 3.17
HEAT 2: Griffin Colapinto (USA) 10.80 DEF. Adrian Buchan (AUS) 7.54
HEAT 3: Kolohe Andino (USA) 11.83 DEF. Jadson Andre (BRA) 8.17
HEAT 4: Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 9.27 DEF. Deivid Silva (BRA) 7.27
HEAT 5: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 14.60 DEF. Vasco Ribeiro (PRT) 10.10
HEAT 6: Wade Carmichael (AUS) 11.10 DEF. Yago Dora (BRA) 10.60
HEAT 7: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 12.30 DEF. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) 11.86
HEAT 8: Kelly Slater (USA) 15.56 DEF. Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 1.93
HEAT 9: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 13.67 DEF. Miguel Blanco (PRT) 8.33
HEAT 10: Caio Ibelli (BRA) 12.97 DEF. Michel Bourez (FRA) 11.57
HEAT 11: Peterson Crisanto (BRA) 16.54 DEF. Jeremy Flores (FRA) 15.00
HEAT 12: Jesse Mendes (BRA) 11.20 DEF. Owen Wright (AUS) 10.93
HEAT 13: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 16.20 DEF. Frederico Morais (PRT) 10.33
HEAT 14: Conner Coffin (USA) 13.64 DEF. Willian Cardoso (BRA) 9.60
HEAT 15: Jack Freestone (AUS) 15.00 DEF. Joan Duru (FRA) 11.10
HEAT 16: Soli Bailey (AUS) 12.70 DEF. Julian Wilson (AUS) 11.43

MEO Rip Curl Pro Portugal Men’s Elimination Round 2 Results:
HEAT 1: Owen Wright (AUS) 10.96 DEF. Miguel Blanco (PRT) 9.87, Ricardo Christie (NZL) 6.60
HEAT 2: Crosby Colapinto (USA) 12.10 DEF. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) 11.47, Seth Moniz (HAW) 9.66
HEAT 3: Jesse Mendes (BRA) 15.90 DEF. Frederico Morais (PRT) 12.76, Ryan Callinan (AUS) 11.33
HEAT 4: Soli Bailey (AUS) 13.00 DEF. Michel Bourez (FRA) 10.60, Ezekiel Lau (HAW) 8.46

MEO Rip Curl Pro Portugal Women’s Elimination Round 2 Results:
HEAT 1: Lakey Peterson (USA) 12.67 DEF. Keely Andrew (AUS) 6.33, Alana Blanchard (HAW) 5.34
HEAT 2: Tatiana Weston-Webb (BRA), Paige Hareb (NZL) , Malia Manuel (HAW) INJ