How Did Cape Fear Stack Up Against Cape Mild Anxiety?

Nature is always trying to equalize.

For example, that wind you feel? It’s just moving air to make up for an imbalance in atmospheric pressure. A lot of nature’s other actions are slow and methodical, but it’s always trying to equalize. We like to think that we’re destroying the planet but in the long term, it’s probably just going return to some form of balance by fucking all of us up — unless we all stop using plastic straws.

Speaking of people getting fucked up, the Red Bull Cape Fear at Shipsterns Bluff ran today!

Meanwhile, at Corona Bali Protected at Keramas…

There were wing dings, dang dangs, things that would bore the now-infamous cowboys that ride bulls in Wyoming and plenty of surfing for us fans to consume, discuss and possibly make threats of domestic violence to people of other nationalities on the WSL’s Instagram over.

Shall we?

Some notes:

-John John Florence stuck a clean full-roter. It was good enough for a staunch stare-at-the-judges claim, who awarded him with a 7.67.

-Jordy Smith would have had the highest heat total of the day if Filipe Toledo was never born. It was classic Jordy surfing. He would probably have a World Title if John John Florence and Gabriel Medina were never born. He should advocate for solutions to overpopulation.

-Earlier today, my phone autocorrected a word into “pussyfooted.” I was unaware of the fact that I used the term so regularly. But it kind of makes sense now, and Italo and Julian both won relatively pussyfooted heats. Sometimes, you need to be light on your feet as to not disturb the clitoris. It would be wonderful to see them in the final together with better waves.

-Filipe Toledo stuck a clean full-roter. It was good enough for a staunch stare-at-the-judges claim, who awarded him with a 9.00. At some point, maybe John John Florence wished that Filipe was never born.

-Local wildcard Rio Waida beat Gabriel Medina in a heat that Gabriel would want back. If you don’t recall, Rio is the fella who inadvertently helped spark the push for pay equality in the WSL. He’s got an interesting back story — literally. He grew up in poverty and suffered from a spinal issue. His parents went overseas to work and pay for his treatment, leaving Rio to live alone in Bali at a young age. Kinda funny that a guy like that getting paid $562 USD sparked international outrage, no?

-Jeremy Flores air did an air, which was interesting. At press time, there is no public documentation of it, so here’s a photo of Kieren Perrow doing a double grab at Keramas in 2013 instead.

-And then there was the Kelly Slater carving 360, which was given the unnecessary arrow treatment by the WSL, which I fucking love. Big unnecessary arrow guy right here. It was also given a 4.6, which infuriated everyone’s dad online. Man! This is why I stopped watching when Taylor Knox left the tour!

-Nathan Florence has a mullet. He won the Red Bull Cape Fear. Mikey Wright has a mullet. He won his heat. Do the math.

-Caroline Marks had the highest Women’s heat total of the day. She does not have a mullet and everybody should be happy that she was born.

-Bali is known for influencers, which are known for being assholes and having mild anxiety. So that is, more or less, how Cape Mild Anxiety stacked up against Cape Fear. They were two very different forms of surfing at two very different venues.

Were they equal by nature, you think?

Corona Bali Protected Men’s Round 1 (Seeding Round) Results:
Heat 1: John John Florence (HAW) 11.50 DEF. Michael Rodrigues (BRA) 10.16, Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) 7.47 
Heat 2: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 14.00 DEF. Jadson Andre (BRA) 10.44, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 9.04 
Heat 3: Julian Wilson (AUS) 10.90 DEF. Jack Freestone (AUS) 8.60, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 7.74 
Heat 4: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 11.50 DEF. Caio Ibelli (BRA) 8.97, Ezekiel Lau (HAW) 7.80 
Heat 5: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 16.17 DEF. Peterson Crisanto (BRA) 10.40, Jacob Willcox (AUS) 7.60 
Heat 6: Rio Waida (IDN) 9.60 DEF. Gabriel Medina (BRA) 9.54, Deivid Silva (BRA) 6.77 
Heat 7: Yago Dora (BRA) 11.63 DEF. Owen Wright (AUS) 10.33, Soli Bailey (AUS) 9.50 
Heat 8: Conner Coffin (USA) 11.24 DEF. Jeremy Flores (FRA) 10.00, Jesse Mendes (BRA) 8.17 
Heat 9: Kelly Slater (USA) 11.66 DEF. Kolohe Andino (USA) 11.23, Ryan Callinan (AUS) 10.67 
Heat 10: Ricardo Christie (NZL) 11.93 DEF. Wade Carmichael (AUS) 8.63, Seth Moniz (HAW) 5.10 
Heat 11: Mikey Wright (AUS) 12.00 DEF. Joan Duru (FRA) 9.50, Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 1.77 
Heat 12: Michel Bourez (FRA) 12.43 DEF. Griffin Colapinto (USA) 9.63, Willian Cardoso (BRA) 8.73

Corona Bali Protected Men’s Round 2 (Elimination Round) Matchups:
Heat 1: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Deivid Silva (BRA) vs. Jacob Willcox (AUS) 
Heat 2: Willian Cardoso (BRA) vs. Ezekiel Lau (HAW) vs. Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA) 
Heat 3: Seth Moniz (HAW) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS) vs. Soli Bailey (AUS) 
Heat 4: Ryan Callinan (AUS) vs. Sebastian Zietz (HAW) vs. Jesse Mendes (BRA)

Corona Bali Protected Women’s Round 1 (Seeding Round) Results: 
Heat 1: Caroline Marks (USA) 12.60 DEF. Coco Ho (HAW) 10.90, Silvana Lima (BRA) 6.44 
Heat 2: Brisa Hennessy (CRI) 13.73 DEF. Keely Andrew (AUS) 12.97, Carissa Moore (HAW) 12.10 
Heat 3: Stephanie Gilmore (AUS) 9.77 DEF. Nikki Van Dijk (AUS) 6.36, Kailani Johnson (IDN) 4.73 
Heat 4: Sally Fitzgibbons (AUS) 14.13 DEF. Lakey Peterson (USA) 10.34, Paige Hareb (NZL) 9.57 
Heat 5: Johanne Defay (FRA) 12.34 DEF. Malia Manuel (HAW) 8.53, Macy Callaghan (AUS) 3.80 
Heat 6: Tatiana Weston-Webb (BRA) 11.96 DEF. Bronte Macaulay (AUS) 10.90, Courtney Conlogue (USA) 10.87

Corona Bali Protected Women’s Round 2 (Elimination Round) Matchups:
Heat 1: Carissa Moore (HAW) vs. Paige Hareb (NZL) vs. Kailani Johnson (IDN) 
Heat 2: Courtney Conlogue (USA) vs. Macy Callaghan (AUS) vs. Silvana Lima (BRA)

Red Bull Airborne Bali Qualifying Round 1 Matchups:
Heat 1: Noa Deane (AUS), Chippa Wilson (AUS), Jack Freestone (AUS), Eli Hanneman (HAW), Lee Wilson (IDN), Made Darmayasa ‘Blerong’ (IDN)
Heat 2: Ian Crane (USA), Eithan Osborne (USA), Matt Meola (HAW), Mason Ho (HAW), Matt Banting (AUS), Eric Geiselman (USA)
Heat 3: Yago Dora (BRA), Filipe Toledo (BRA), Reef Heazlewood (AUS), Finn McGill (HAW), Kalani David (HAW), Bronson Meydi (IDN)

Red Bull Airborne Bali Qualifying Round 2 Matchups:
Heat 1: Ian Crane (USA), Filipe Toledo (BRA), Jack Freestone (AUS), Mason Ho (HAW), Kalani David (HAW), Made Darmayasa ‘Blerong’ (IDN)
Heat 2: Noa Deane (AUS), Reef Heazlewood (AUS), Finn McGill (HAW), Eli Hanneman (HAW), Matt Banting (AUS), Eric Geiselman (USA)
Heat 3: Yago Dora (BRA), Chippa Wilson (AUS), Eithan Osborne (USA), Matt Meola (HAW), Lee Wilson (IDN), Bronson Meydi (IDN)