This Ultimate Surfer Floater Competition Will Revolutionize Surfing
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This Ultimate Surfer Floater Competition Will Revolutionize Surfing

Nah, I’m just playin, Episode 6 is pretty neat though.

Words by The Ultimate Surf Fan

Twice a week for the past few weeks, I’ve written love letters to this Jesse Palmer guy, and come to think of it, I’m not really sure who he is. 

I recall the contestants mentioning ESPN and the Bachelor in episode one, but that’s not enough detail for me — let’s google this beefcake.

After playing quarterback for the University of Florida, Palmer went on to the NFL for 5 years. He spent most of his time as a backup for the New York Giants and left the league in 2005.

In 2004, however, he became the first professional athlete to appear on ABC’s “The Bachelor.” His newfound courtship didn’t last long, though, and the reality TV couple split shortly after.

Jesse later became a broadcaster for ESPN, a college football game analyst, and he even starred in an episode of Law and Order SVU. Pretty interesting resume, huh? I couldn’t think of a more fitting hunk to host the first season of your new fav show, Ultimate Surfer.

Mom isn’t as fond of him as I am, but she does appear to be delusional to some extent. Her swift pivot to Arnold Palmer iced tea and David Hasselhoff lets me know that I should start looking for a decent nursing home.

This show is testing my parents marriage. Will mom and dad keep it together? Or will 25 years of happiness get flushed down the pipeline? Find out next week, on a blog post about the Ultimate Surfer.

Enough stalking, Episode 6 is here.

Barger is back, the other boys are nervous, except for Zeke. He’s going to win. Or at least he says so, we don’t know that for sure. 

Wink Wink.

Those winks were for Mr. Beefcake, who just entered the frame and announced that the team play is over.

Two former bachelor and bachelorette contestants show up on the back of jetskis, Mike Johnson and Hannah Ann Sluss. They’re both, as you’d imagine, painfully good-looking.

The contestants have to teach these gorgeous non-civilians how to surf, the best instructor wins the challenge, and gets an extra wave in the next competition.

Kai’s hands are sweating, as he’s admittedly uncomfortable next to those breath-taking eyes.

Brianna woos Mike with her stoke and good looks. Mike said it, I’m just relaying the information.

Alejandro passes the instructor test, and our potential surfer learns some stuff.

Tia was nervous, which led to an awkward lesson.

Koa’s abs have our bachelorette playing with her hair, but his praises to mother nature fail to teach her anything about surfing.

Kayla fan-girls too hard, and forgets to talk about surfing.

Zeke is serious, and doesn’t let the pretty smile distract him. You surf, I win, next challenge.

Malia swindles Mike with her fun and bubbly personality.

Instead of roses, we’re handing out red surf leashes. How romantic.

Brianna wins one, and Alejandro the other.

Joel says ‘it’s lit’ over the loudspeaker, time for a night surf. Glow stick party! Maybe someone snuck some magic mushrooms on set — wouldn’t that be a treat?

Next day, Kelly Vision has a new challenge. 

Floaters! “America, it’s not what you think.” 

Was that a poopie reference? Yuck!

Malia goes first and sticks a decent little shimmy shimmy. 6.0.

Kayla is next, but cannot pull anything solid. 4.5.

Tia goes straight down, and walks away with a 1.0.

Brianna throws together a decent run, 5.0. But, she has an extra wave, and puts it to good use, but not good enough. 5.9

Malia wins. Float on, queen.

Kai goes first for the men, but plays it safe. 3.33

Alejandro follows with a 2.9. His second wave comes in handy, as he lands one clean float for a 6.83. (.07 off from intended score)

Koa “Floater” Smith goes full life preserver and sticks a massive one-foot float. 9.4

Zeke says he isn’t rattled. He isn’t. He finishes his wildly impressive run with a “Welcome to the Zeke show.” 9.83

Malia sends Brianna to the surf off, who then instantly picks Kayla.

Zeke chooses Alejandro, who decides to bring Koa with him.

Koa shows us his hit list in which he manifests the eliminations of other contestants. Can one of the producers check on this guy?

Kayla does enough backside snaps to confuse Koa, but flies past the barrel section.

Brianna finds a little bit of tube time between shwacks, and smiles like she won already.

Koa told the universe what he wants. Alejandro needs to go home. A cheeky stall to deep barrel and a few turns should do the trick. A tail slide reverse gets attempted, but not completed.

Alejandro is locked, loaded, and comes out of the first barrel hot. He falls, however, coming down from a quick snap off the top. Uh-oh.

Jesse gives us the winning scores 7.73 for men. 7.83 for the women.

Koa and Brianna survive. Kayla and Alejandro go home.

The energy amongst the ladies has become uncomfy. 

“Girls will be girls, and bitches will be bitches.” -Malia.

Poetry.

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