Stab Magazine | Did Australia Forget How To Paddle?

Live Now: Cheat Codes With Coco Ho

708 Views

Did Australia Forget How To Paddle?

A recent swell has raised questions about Australians’ upper-body strength and/or mental fortitude.

news // May 28, 2020
Words by stab
Reading Time: < 1 minute

A late-autumn swell hammered Australia’s east coast last weekend, providing days of overhead surf and stiff offshores. 

Typically, swells of this nature incite something of a national holiday in Australia. The Vegemite factory is closed, incompetent barbers everywhere drop their shears, and the entire population heads coastward in nutrient-deficient pick-ups with freshly waxed JSes, DHDs, and NPJs stuffed in the boot. 

This time, there was just one problem. Australians forgot how to paddle. 

Not you too, Stace!

Have a scroll through Instagram, and among the thousands of sand- and occasionally reef-bottomed tubes that were excavated last week in Australia, you’ll find that only a handful were caught by traditional methods (i.e. paddling). 

The rest? Well, surfers can thank Japan’s premiere adult toy brand, Yamaha, for some motorized assistance.

Anything for a cheap thrill, right?

From this side of the Pacific, it’s impossible to know whether a hyper-contagious, upper-body-specific parasite has infected the shoulders, pecs, and biceps of the Australian surfing nation, or if they were just too lazy to manually position themselves and paddle into slightly overhead waves sans artificial energy. 

Built atop the mountainous shoulders of Tom Carroll, Mick Campbell, and Glen Hall, it would be uncharacteristic of Aussie surf culture to take the easy way out. So we’ll have to assume it’s the parasite option. 

But don’t worry, guys. We have reason to believe that the antibodies necessary to defeat this plague live within one of your own.

His name is Tim Dickson. 

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

From ‘Blue Ribbon Cross Country Runner’ to Vogue – How Steph Again Is Back With A Rip Curl Remix

Everything we know about the she-GOATs sponsorship boomerang.

Mar 18, 2024

Stab Interview: Darren Handley On Why You Can’t Buy The Winning Stab In The Dark Model

And his decades-long standoff with Slater.

Mar 17, 2024

Griff Embraces Portugal’s Eternal Time Loop To Vanquish Medina + Ewing, Defay Delays The Inevitable

A redeeming closing act at Supertubos.

Mar 16, 2024

The Secret Behind Lungi Slabb’s Inconceivable Greenmount Funnel

Six broken boards, one leaking forehead, and five days of Superbank mysticism.

Mar 16, 2024

Cheat Codes: 2,000 Hours Worth Of Travel Advice From Coco Ho

Hard-earned wisdom from 989,000 miles in the troposphere.

Mar 15, 2024

Dane Reynolds On The Best + Worst Surfboard He’s Designed, Why The ‘Neckbeard’ Is A Misnomer, And How To Appear Cultured When Sizing Up A New Stick

Plus, an introduction to the newly-minted CI Dumpster Diver 2.

Mar 14, 2024

The Most Cinematic Surf Film Since ‘View From A Blue Moon?’

The best wave of Noah Beschen's life at sinister Chopes and 540s with Tyler, The…

Mar 13, 2024

Watch: ‘Vacation 2’ Presented By Monster Energy

Stab Highway Europe winners visit House of Somos, Costa Rica.

Mar 13, 2024

DHD Wins Stab In The Dark With Kolohe Andino

Plus, which Orwellian Premium members best prophesied our Stab In The Dark winners?

Mar 12, 2024

The Shortest Day At Supertubos

Early bird gets the skunk.

Mar 12, 2024

Watch: Kelly Slater Bails On Onshore Portugal, Gets Supertubed at Kirra Instead

“No ski. No runarounds. No snaps.”

Mar 12, 2024

Rumor: 8x World Champion Stephanie Gilmore To Leave Roxy For Another Legacy Surf Brand

The woman who Kelly Slater called 'God's gift to surfing' ignites a bidding war.

Mar 12, 2024

The Longest Day At Supertubos

Much to love, little to hate.

Mar 12, 2024

Joel Parkinson, Jay Davies, And Mark Zuckerberg Jog Into A Jingoistic Surf Biathlon…

An American's POV of the Australian Boardriders Battle.

Mar 11, 2024

No SuperToobs Today, But We’ll Never Turn Down A Rippable Wedge

Any port in a storm.

Mar 10, 2024

The Serendipitous Tale Of A Barnacle-Encrusted 10’0” That Survived 300 Days + 700kms On The East Australia Current

Paddy Power’s big wave gun was lost at Wedding Cake Island, Sydney and collected (by…

Mar 10, 2024

Was Fiji Last Week As Special As The Thundercloud Swell Of 2012?

“I’ve never seen so many people get so many good ones,” said 2023 SSOTY Nathan…

Mar 9, 2024

SEOTY: Hughie Vaughan Discovered A New Wave In Indonesia — But He Doesn’t Know Where It Is

Watch 'Nibbler' — the 17-year-old's bite-sized 2024 Stab Edit of The Year entry.

Mar 9, 2024
Advertisement