Stab Magazine | Hawaii, This Morning: "WTF?"
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Hawaii, This Morning: “WTF?”

A ballistic missile is NOT heading to Hawaii!

news // Jan 14, 2018
Words by stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

Have you ever woken in a hungover frenzy?

Not the shallow breathing, anxious, not-even-the-roughest-loofa-will-make-me-clean-again-kind. But, the “Uh, there’s currently a fucking ballistic missile headed for Hawaii right now,” followed by the “wait, I’m in Hawaii” kind. 

“BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII.

“SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.”

Where in the god-fuck is there shelter on the North Shore? I began to accept the fact that, after a very weird night in Honolulu (which I won’t get into here), I was to be obliterated, in an alcohol-induced stupor on a blow-up mattress, in a living room in a house full of seven dudes, who I like, but really don’t know very well.

Screen Shot 2018 01 13 at 8.59.55 AM

After a concerned phone call from our editor-in-hat, Ashley Google (the sweet thing), I learned it was a false alarm. Then in my search browser, I found a website by the name of Express.co.uk that said this:

However Hawaii’s Emergency Management Agency has said it is, in fact, a false alarm.

In a tweet, they said: “NO missile threat to Hawaii.”

It is currently unclear what caused the false alarm.

Democratic Congresswoman for Hawaii Tulsi Gabbard tweeted: “HAWAII – THIS IS A FALSE ALARM. THERE IS NO INCOMING MISSILE TO HAWAII. I HAVE CONFIRMED WITH OFFICIALS THERE IS NO INCOMING MISSILE.”

Sirens are reportedly also sounding as residents scramble to find cover.

One person wrote on Twitter: “Good luck to whoever issued the false ballistic missile warning in #Hawaii. I bet heads will roll.” 

Fearful residents scrambled to try and understand what was happening as the alert was issued.

One wrote: “Please pray for my aunt in Hawaii, they are currently hiding due to missile threats”.

Another added: “I’m in a parking lot in Waimea, Hawaii right now and everyone’s phones are buzzing with a warning about an incoming missile threat and “This is not a drill” language. Info? Anyone?” 

IMG 0967

For the record, I own all three of these surfing monkeys.

Good news!

Is Kim Jong smiling right now?

In these volatile times, false alarms like this are irresponsible. Especially when they involve my life. Which is something I’m quite fond of. The world is a fine place and I’d hate to leave it and so on… 

I’m going surfing. 

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