This Is What Rock Bottom Feels Like - Stab Mag
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Hangovers can feel like hell is empty and all the devils are in your stomach.

This Is What Rock Bottom Feels Like

“I accidentally shit my wetsuit.”

features // Jul 3, 2022
Words by Coral McDuffee
Reading Time: 4 minutes

When it comes to surfing and hangovers, there are two camps. 

You either force the surf, head throbbing and stomach churning, thinking the rinse will ease the pain. Or you wave the white flag— ignoring friends’ calls and the urge to be a weekend warrior, you spend the day internet-surfing this page.

Selfishly, we encourage the latter.

Ivy Miller was fresh out of options on Day 2 of Stab Highway California presented by Monster Energy. Riding high off the energy of Day 1, the tan team found themselves in a Santa Cruz bar that night, celebrating St. Pattie’s Day by drinking Guinness and Jameson, occasionally mixed with Ian Crane’s hair.

Slamming an old fashioned Crano.

Ian = Irish, right?

The next day, we had an 8 am call at Steamer Lane for the Nate Fletcher Acid Drop Challenge. The tan team appeared in remarkably good form considering their activities the night prior. 

But that’s the thing about hangovers. They come in waves. 

You often wake up from a big night feeling just fine. This apparent okay-ness is due either to residual drunkenness or the fact that the poison in your stomach hasn’t been shaken up yet. Give it 30 minutes, walk around a little, maybe jump off a cliff or two, and you’ll have a more accurate idea of what your day is gonna look like. 

Replace the concrete with sand and say s-l-u-m-p-e-d.

Ivy Miller’s hangover hit around mid-morning. Despite all the chemicals and concoctions in her infamous Stab Highway pill purse, she just couldn’t get her stomach to settle. Perhaps this had to do with the fact that she was confined to her wetsuit 24/7, per the who-can-stay-in-their-wetsuit-longest challenge, and was basically baking in the sun, turning her tummy into an ethanol-keratin stew.  

All of these factors led to a moment that Ivy calls ‘rock bottom’ — not just of the trip, but potentially of her 26 years on earth. And she handled it like a fucking champ. 

We’ll let Ivy take it from here.

The worst hangover I had on Stab Highway was the night after St.Patrick’s day. I was drinking Guinness and Jameson, and I was still in a wetsuit, and then I chugged a cup of Crane’s hair. Not the best call. The next day we were struggling — the hangover vitamins didn’t work, I was feeling like shit, and then I shat in my wetsuit. 

Even though my stomach hurt, I zipped up my suit to join the boys and talk about what challenges we would complete in Santa Cruz. And that’s when it happened. I knew John [the tan team’s filmer] could see it in my face, but I was not ready to talk. 

Ivys’ tight lil number from the night prior.

I waited for the boys to paddle out before pulling out my baking soda, vinegar, and dish soap. I went to the beach, got completely naked, and put everything in my suit. I was horrified for a good four hours. 

John knew and kept saying I had to share, but I didn’t want to tell the team I had just shit myself. I can’t talk about those things — pooping, farting, all of it grosses me out. Eventually, he got me to do it. All I remember Eithan saying was, “that’s roogguueee.”

At that point, we were in Ventura, and I wanted to do some of the surf challenges because I feel like I never get taken seriously on the surf side of things. Which is fair enough — I’ve never had a crazy main sponsor or anything. 

Practicing her serious high-performance short boarder type persona.

There was one challenge that was to make three cutbacks on one wave. So I paddled out at the Ventura Harbor and almost got sucked into the pier like a newb. I went back out and couldn’t get the three wraps in. Hayden, the filmer, had to pull me in. 

When I came in I saw the red team had let the air out of the tyre of our car. That day I did not feed everybody; and I know to feed people. We didn’t have food. Eithan had a mental breakdown. I wanted to take my wetsuit off so badly that I paced in the parking lot for a while before I regained my brain control. When we finally got it to Emma Wood and I thought we were dead last because we hadn’t won a location challenge.

Head meet concrete

That was rock bottom. 

We can’t say whether or not Ivy won the wetsuit challenge, but we can say that she stayed in her rubber insulation for five days after The Incident. And she wore it with pride. 

MVP material. 

To see this particular incident unfold, and to catch all the other surf-based shenanigans, check out Stab HIghway ep 2 here, or start with ep 1 here. We’re currently running a 7-day free trial, so get it while it’s free!

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