Stab Highway Presented By Monster Energy Will Tear Us Apart - Stab Mag
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Noa, strong contender for best haircut. Picture by John Respondek.

Stab Highway Presented By Monster Energy Will Tear Us Apart

Unheard tales from episode 1.

Words by Ethan Davis

Hey, sorry for talking about this thing so much.

But we’re really proud of our new series, Stab Highway presented by Monster Energy. Episode one came out last week and was free for everyone to watch (see above). Episode two drops this Thursday at 6 pm (California time) for our Stab Premium members.

Below, we’re going to talk about some background info that you wouldn’t have learned by watching episode one, but is fascinating nonetheless. Without further mansplaining…

Mace And Shelly

Macy Callaghan, 21, and Sheldon Simkus, 24, are boyfriend and girlfriend. An Australian power couple of sorts. Two young competitive beauties travelling the world chasing points and trophies. Adorable. We thought it was important to build team spirit and camaraderie without the dynamics of a love interest. We told team leader Macy we wouldn’t allow them on the same team. ‘Sure,’ said Macy, who chose Chippa, Coby, and Benny for her team, leaving poor Shelly as the last surfer picked.

Freesurfers vs. comp kids.

Stab Highway features 16 total surfers, 13 of which could be described as “freesurfers”, leaving just three who follow the WSL Tour schedule (Reef, Sheldon, and Macy). So, were our rashie-donning pros more competitive than our freesurfers? Not really. All the surfers looked right at home chasing points. As Mark Mathews once told Stab, “freesurfers aren’t not competitive, they just hate losing which is why they don’t do contests.” 

And, how did our competitive surfers fare after hanging with a pack of wild freesurfers for a week and a half? Did they fall in love with their captors and evolve into freesurfing degenerates? 

Nup, all three surfers packed their bags after the event and starred in the US Open of Surfing at Huntington Beach a few weeks later. 

No Masks

Bad Manners, unmasked.

How do you create a 2021 video production without masks? 

We got very lucky.

In between the Sydney regional lockdown and the NSW state lockdown, Stab Highway got rolling. Remember that period when Australia was the utopian envy of the world? An island girt by sea, untouched by the spoils of microbial nuisances.

On March the 24th, 2021, Dr. Fauci, chief medical advisor to the President of the US recently praised the country for being a world leader on “containment and management of emerging variants”. 

Yeah well, that aged like an ice cube in a sauna.

Just days after the end of Stab Highway on June 19, Bondi limousine driver, Mikey Z, patient zero of the Australian delta strain, got to work infecting the Eastern Suburbs with Rona 2.0 after delivering international flight crews to their homes. 

Fortunately for our surfers, this meant that their hangovers were considerably less guilt-ridden, having had their blowout before the gov implemented tight statewide restrictions that would linger for several months.

A Major Technicality 

This has nothing to do with the technicality. I just like this screengrab.

One of the most consistent, go-to waves for aerial surfing on the South Coast actually sits in the ACT (Australian Capital Territory) and not NSW. It was also where Team Jaleesa and Team Macy went to complete the air-before-sunrise challenge. 

Team Holly, who knew of this bizarre demarcation of state boundaries, avoided surfing at said spot for this specific reason. Upon hearing about the other teams completing challenges there, Team Hol decided to throw the book at them. 

The judges convened and came to the conclusion that while said spot lies in the ACT, the challenges completed were all water-based, meaning Team Jaleesa’s points remained intact. 

Dark Hollow Soul 

Dion lives in Scamander, a tiny, isolated town in the northeast of Van Diemen’s land (aka Tasmania). After flying northward to Queensland, Dion was enthused to make the most of the bustling nightlife in Surfer’s Paradise. The morning of team selection, Dion was wounded after his carouse into the early hours of the morning. You may have noted the withdrawn sunnies/hoodie combination. We’ve all been there.

Noa Deane the next morning called him ‘Dark Hollow Soul’ — a play on words from his brilliant 27-minute profile film ‘Dark Hollow’ directed by Joe G released earlier this year. Incredible.

Haz Bryant, who was also in attendance the night prior, bounced back like the energizer bunny, reporting “feeling nice and fresh”, before running out to Dbah nude for 45-minutes, and sticking a series of technical backside punts. 

Filmer, Jack Taylor, could hardly operate his camera and knocked over his tripod. 

Where are the other Australian young talents in this?

Left: Sick. Right: Injured.

Kael Walsh was sick. Creed McTaggart was Injured.

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