This Board Bag Silences Eshays

Editor’s note: A few weeks ago we announced a giveaway of a Db x Stab boardbag to nine lucky Stab Premium members who submitted the best surf travel story. WA’s Damon Hayes won for his story about snapping his shinbone in half in the remote northwest region of WA. He also attached an Indo plane ticket, which turned out to be fake. This should disqualified him from entering. It was pure cunning genius. ‘Play on,’ we said. We’re just surprised he actually sent us a review – Ethan Davis

So I entered the comp to win one of these Db x Stab board bags. I had no plane ticket and I wasn’t going anywhere. But still I applied, maybe the board bag would force me to travel. I mocked up a fake plane ticket. Stab buys it and tells me I have won. You’re joking. Sure enough a few weeks later a box rocks up at my house sent from Byron Bay. I open it.

I have forgotten about the board bag, why would I win one? The size of the package had me guessing, maybe it was a 3^rd place prize as the box shape wasn’t that of a board bag. Maybe it was my STAB IN THE DARK award or even better be my SURFER OF THE YEAR 2022 trophy.  

I crack open the box and find a triple stacker board bag. I am surprised, I did not think a box so small could contain a three-board coffin. Usually coffins are big, clumsy, bulky; they just sit in the corner of the garage & become a dumpster for wetsuits, fins and leashes. This one is not. It folds tight and clips together making it easy to tuck away in the cupboard or in the back of the shed. 

Once unfolded the first ‘wow’ factor is the top of the cover – usually they zip from side to side and are always tricky to stack boards on. The Db x Stab coffin allows you to peel the top off like a can of tuna, allowing you to get a more calculated stack that can outsmart any anti-surf-baggage carrier. 

I had no plan to travel overseas at the moment but this cover has me thinking. Living in West Oz you hit the road a fair bit to find waves and I decide this cover will go perfectly in the back of the ute to protect my boards. 

There’s a deadline to test out the Db coffin – so I need a surf trip. Juggling work & family I can’t find a gap to bolt to Margaret River, the swell is too small for Rottnest, up north is calling but not until July for me. So with a deadline, I’m stuck to the city. I fear Stab’s going to cancel my subscription for stitching them up. 

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The surf breaks, towns and suburbs of WA have some of the weirdest & hardest names to pronounce. You ever notice how many towns have ‘up’ in them? Myalup, Binningup, Warawarrup, Cowaramup, Yallingup, Boranup. Even towns without ‘up’ are out there, Dog Swamp, Monkey Mia, Useless Loop, Innaloo but there one town that wins is Cockburn. Yes, you read that correctly. Someone must have been naming towns on their last day of work. 

Cockburn will soon be the epicentre of Perth surfing as the town has just been approved to build a much needed wave pool. Even though the wave pool won’t be ready until 2025 I better figure out my plan of attack, my rat run from home to Cockburn. 

I pack my new board bag with three 5”11’s, jam the coffin in the back of the ute and head towards the train station as the wave pool will only be a few minute’s walk from the Cockburn station. 

I’m sitting at the train with my board bag awaiting my 54-minute journey to get to the unbuilt wave pool. The train pulls up. It’s full of suits, uni students and eshays. An eshay yells at me, “the cemetery is that way ya Gronk”. Amazingly, the same gag is repeated nearly every stop by different eshays. I resort to saying ‘don’t disrespect my grandmother you twit’. It works, they go quiet.

The arrival time at Cockburn is 3:15 pm. Boards are happy. I think how nice it will be once this pool is built. In West Oz, a quick trip for a surf can be anywhere from 3 – 12 hours on the road. 

Urban dictionary: Eshay

Usually white skinny males who like to think they are ” Roadmen” or “Gangsters”. Normally seen walking around in polo shirts or puffer jackets, baggy shorts or tracksuit pants, Nike TNs or another type of air force shoe and usually wear brands such as Nautica, Ralph Lauren, Nike, Tommy Hilfiger, Adidas etc. Usually poor as fuck and waste there center link payment on weed or pingas.