The Top Five Cars For Core Surfers

When I accepted this job, I made a promise. It was more a blood oath, really. I pledged to cover any and all surf news, no matter how asinine, irrelevant, or ridiculous. For this reason, I’m here to enlighten you with a list of surfing’s best automotive vehicles, courtesy of a website called Motor Biscuit.

And by enlighten you with the list, what I mean is that I’m going to bash it. Here are the fuck biscuit’s picks.

The Subaru Outback
Imagine cruising down the Pacific Northwest coast, kayaks strapped to the roof, mountain bikes on the back hitch, flannel looking fucking clutch, Yeti cup filled with single origin coffee, Alex Honnald spitting hot fire on the Pod and…your surfboard sitting in the garage at home because you “forgot to pack it.” Whoops. Lol. You simply forgot. Make sure your significant other knows it was a genuine mistake. It was in no way a ploy to avoid the frigid waters, ominously deserted beaches, and the reality of coming face to face with an apex predator that isn’t your mother-in-law.

Drink that almond milk straight from the jug, you earned it Mr. Great Outdoors. Don’t spill though, the lease is up in a month, and it would be a shame to scuff up that immaculate interior.

The Chevy Suburban 
Strapping a board to the roof of your car can be a real hassle, and pick-up trucks leave your quiver open to thievery. The only practical solution is to sign with Death Row Records, buy a gas-guzzling street tank, and live like a boss. Bonus points if you go to amateur surf comps every weekend to harass unpaid judges and ensure your children hate surfing for the rest of their lives!

Toyota Tacoma
After our recent EAST premiere in Venice and a $93 parking ticket, I had to drive beanie man Ashton Goggans’ Taco down to Oceanside. About 10 miles from the harbor, I hit some good ‘ol weekend traffic, which added an extra hour to my trip. While sun tanning only my left arm, I decided that I liked driving this car. Well, maybe not this exact one. Ashton’s a gem of a human being, but sometimes I feel like he and all of his belongings should be pressure washed with bleach. Plus, a Bluetooth speaker? Come on, beanie man, be an adult and get that stereo system fixed.

Anyway, if you buy a Tacoma, make sure to get massive tires for it. You’ll need them for all those perfectly paved roads you drive upon to reach your office where nobody likes you.

Ram Promaster City Wagon
Van life doesn’t seem so bad. Sure, the chances of you getting stabbed in the Walmart parking lot are significantly higher, but at least you’ll spend more time outdoors. Eat enough magic mushrooms and you’ll forget all about the fact that you don’t have a shower, or a human-size bed, or a private bathroom, or respect from pretty much anyone. After all, I’d rather go brown in the ocean than catch crabs in one of those Huntington Beach public restrooms.

Tesla Model X
Just buy it. Don’t be a poor. Get your ass out there, sell some bitcoins, tongue punch one of Elon Musk’s space martian groupies, take out a second mortgage on the house, and purchase the Tesla along with the $12,000 matching board. You’re never going to land that air reverse without a tablet in your dashboard….

BUY THE FUCKING TESLA, BRAH!

And that’s it. That’s the list. If you don’t have one of those cars above, you don’t surf, you’re not a core lord, and honestly, you’ll never find true happiness. Like, even if you get reincarnated.

If you need me, I’ll be crying behind the wheel of my 2011 Mazda 3 hatchback. The one without the turbo.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

My mom wouldn’t let me get the turbo.