LA County Says ‘No Surfing’ On Independence Day

On July 4th, 1776, the 13 American colonies claimed their independence from England, an event that eventually led to the formation of the United States.

This date has since been immortalized and re-branded as Independence Day—a day to celebrate hard-won freedoms and the power of the people against an unjust oppressor.

The festivities surrounding this holoday include grilled meats, goatees, and copious amounts of Budweiser. 

Horseshoes, plastic forks, and men in jean shorts. 

Chewing tobacco, potato salad, and getting awfully close to your cousin.

You get the picture.

But for others—particularly those in coastal states, where flirting with your sister is frowned upon—Independence Day is best spent at the beach: surfing, scoping sporadically agreeable fat deposits, and smoking doobies in the p-lot. 

Well, not this year. According to the LA County Supervisor, Janice Hahn: 

Due to rising #COVID19 cases all @CountyofLA beaches will be closing again temporarily this weekend, July 3rd through 6th. We had almost 3,000 reported cases just today. We cannot risk having crowds at the beach this holiday weekend.

As if that wasn’t enough, LA County then went on to cancel 4th of July fireworks, which I think were (mostly) illegal to begin with, but still! If we can’t celebrate our freedom by surfing all day and launching small, dangerous combustibles in the vicinity of our friends, then what the hell did Abraham Lincoln ride across the Delaware for? 

No but, real talk, it’s probably best if we just hang inside this weekend. Buy a 30-rack and enjoy.