Slow and low.
Always Say “Yes” To A Free Hoverboard
A product review on something I didn’t know I wanted, definitely don’t need and now absolutely have!
Last Wednesday, something big happened. My life, as I knew it, changed. Forever. I became the proud owner of an Alien Wheels Hoverboard.
(Maybe) two weeks back, I received an email from a very sweet woman named Mandy with a subject line that said, more or less, “Free Hoverboard for review.”
I was thrilled! And in my excitement, I responded with, and I quote, “Well, how can turn down a free hoverboard!?[sic]” followed by our shipping address. (I meant to type “who”, but “how” came out first and before I could be bothered to proofread my email, I clicked send.)
After I’d committed to writing this review on the Alien Wheels Hoverboard, I received a phone call from Unknown Caller - a mysterious identity whose calls I usually decline. But, I answered. It was Mandy! She asked me questions. Which I answered. Then, she spoke of colors. “Would you like a blue, black, camo, white or pink…” before she could say another, I stopped her dead in her colorful tracks.
It was profound. Fucking poetry. At that moment I knew, without a doubt, that I didn’t want, but was destined to own, a pink Alien Wheels Hoverboard.
Then, last Wednesday, as we were scurrying around the office like ants, trying to get 12 surfboards out of the office, a box arrived. I received. Signed. Opened.
And as I pried the pink Alien Wheels Hoverboard from the cardboard, I glowed.
“This is the best day of my life,” I stuttered into Dooma Fahrenfort’s iPhone. I took it outside, turned it on, and rolled slowly down Venice Blvd. I hovered. We all did.
And within about, er, 5 minutes, we returned to the office.
I placed the pink Alien Wheels Hoverboard beneath a desk, and returned to Stab in the Dark biz, as usual. But, deep down, I daydreamt of the next time we’d hover. A few hours later, everyone left the office for lunch, without me. I plugged the Alien Wheels Hoverboard into her (she’s a she, btw) charger. She turned on. She spoke! “Bluetooth is ready to pair!”
Bluetooth! What Bluetooth capabilities did she possess?! I immediately pulled out my phone, went straight to Spotify and played a tune.
She sang from her wheels.
I pulled her out of her charger. And. Nothing. She wouldn’t turn back on. I tried. And tried. And. Nothing. I thought, she must be tired. I plugged her back in. She turned on. She told me all about her Bluetooth again. I let her charge.
Later that night, ready to ride down Venice Blvd to my car on my new Alien Wheels Hoverboard, I cued up the Bee Gees “Stayin’ Alive”. I pulled her plug. I hit her button. And... Nothing.
The next day Stab in the Dark came and went. Hungover, I couldn’t be bothered to show up to the office Friday. On Tuesday, I broke the news to Mandy that my Alien Wheels Hoverboard wouldn’t turn back on. She replied promptly with instructions on how to fix the issue. Then yesterday, Unknown Caller rang. And Unknown Caller was sent straight to voicemail. It was Mandy. She left a message. She asked for a reply to the email. Which I did.
When the board turns back on, there will be a discount code “Stabmag”. And for each Alien Wheels Hoverboard sold, I've been told that Stab will receive $20 commission.
But, let’s be honest: I did the heavy lifting here. So, instead of the money going to Stab, I'm going to have it sent straight to me. So I urge you, in the absolute most gentle and insincere fashion, to please head to Alienwheels.com, plug in the discount code “Stabmag” and purchase an Alien Wheels Hoverboard. A pink one.
Currently, the hoverboard remains in a cabinet in our office and I have yet implemented any of Mandy’s suggested solutions to turn her back on.
When I do, which I may, eventually, every car reflecting the cinematic sunset of that evening, will know, by the way I use my walk, I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk.