How to ease a throbbing hangover with Balaram Stack

Here’s How-To Ease The Cranium’s Throb!

With New York’s Brightest Light, Balaram Stack | Photo Tom Carey

“Firstly, I feel privileged to be the informer of Stab readers for a hangover cure,” says Balaram Stack. “But, I must make it clear, this is no small gift I’m giving you. This is a study of science! See, there are three different levels of hangover. There’s the motivational hangover, where you wake up a little buzzed and feel like you need to go on a run and put the night in the past. There’s the stay-in-bed-lazy hangover, where you don’t want to move, and pray that it’s raining sideways outside. Finally, there’s the deadly hangover, where you feel the need to be in a hospital bed from nausea and dehydration. With that being said, here’s what you need to know.”

Know the symptoms. Different trauma levels will require different treatment, ranging from light haziness and cotton mouth to full-blown immobility, bewilderment, and the disappearance of personal effects. “The scenarios can be very different,” says Balaram. “They’re all situations that may vary time to time, but a horrific headache and cotton mouth is a tell-all sign that your brain’s been abused.” Know what you’re dealing with = Find a better cure.

Good company is essential. Balaram may seem ruthless when he puts a gal in an Uber first thing in the morning, but really it’s for the benefit of both parties. “Dealing with a bad hangover needs to be done either alone or with friends (of same gender) from the night before,” says Balaram. Strength in numbers was ever thus.

Evict, but be tactful. “Remember, if your head is thumping, so is hers,” says Balaram. “She’s just as hungover as you are, so any excuse will fly. ‘I gotta have breakfast with my mum,’ or ‘I gotta do some work.’ Lastly, Uber is the greatest thing mankind has ever invented.”

Don’t: “Have breakfast with your mother if you’re still buzzing and bloodshot from the previous night.”

Do: “Get out of bed and get yourself some liquids to ease the mind and body.”

Think cool and light when refuelling. “Greasy food helps the stomach and for some reason it’s what your body craves,” says Balaram. “But if my mouth’s hot and dry, salty chips and an oil-soaked bun ain’t going to help. My go-to is a smoothie, or juice of some sort helps you feel refreshed like an anti-hangover Resqwater. Unless you don’t have shit to do that day, mimosas save the day effectively and they taste wonderful.” Stab also recommends Powerade – your body needs electrolytes.

Wake up with: “Good music, and your phone and wallet beside you,” says Balaram. “Which is a rare occasion for me.” Also, remember that little bit of unfinished work you thought you’d leave til Saturday so you could bounce early from the office on Friday afternoon? It’s gonna seem a whole lot more overwhelming this side of midnight. Work a little harder in the p.m. before, and life will feel much better the next morning.

Don’t wake up with: “No phone and no wallet,” insists Balaram. “Which is a not so rare occasion for me. I’m currently on my 23rd iPhone.” Further to the previous point, do not wake up with things to do.

The ocean is the elixir. “If you can manage surfing or just being in the ocean, it’ll make you feel 100 times better,” says Bal. “It’s hard to actually get there but you will thank yourself later. I’ve had some of my best surfs hungover. I can remember a session in Newport to this day where I had landed about five airs in a row and I was surprising myself, and Dylan goodale even more. It was awesome.” Plus, nothing cleanses entry stamps and shame like salt water.

Believe the Bloody Mary hype. “I’m not a big fan of tomato juice but if it’s spicy enough with the right amount of alcohol the Bloody Mary should put you in the right state of mind to tackle sunlight,” says Balaram. The Bloody Mary as we know it now was actually popularised at the St. Regis in Bal’s very own NYC during the 40s. The basic idea? A heavy vegetable base will settle the stomach, salt will replenish lost electrolytes, and alcohol will relieve brain and body aches.

How to prevent it all in the first place. Here’s some optimistism: Taking two painkillers before bed if you remember is a god send. Have a shower when you get home and drink as much shower water as you can until you nearly spew, unless you’re in Mex, Bali or similar, for obvious reasons. And according to Balaram: “Resqwater. Resqwater. Resqwater. Drink three every time you’re hungover and your fluid levels and electrolytes will be restored to a marginally human level.”