The intern's actual nightmare. Photo: Gold Coast Bulletin
What's Your Worst Jellyfish x Surfing Story?
Because it probably won't top this.
It’s only 10:30 am, and today has not been a great day. Woke up groggy, unmotivated, kind of just wanted to lay in bed. Did the usual coffee and scroll through Instagram. Said fuck it, why not check the surf, won’t hurt. Waist-high and clean. About as much as you can ask for in Florida. Couple hours to kill until the day job, few waves shouldn't hurt.
Surfed until I got hungry and decided to take one more wave in. First mistake. Being an obvious closeout, I went straight and took the free ride to shore. As I kicked out in waist-deep water, I felt a certain tingling downstairs. no, not the tingling of a random middle school Spanish class boner, a more painful one. Like someone grabbed jumper cables and attached them to the inside of my boardshorts.
I had been stung by a jellyfish. Base, tip, nuts, fucking everywhere. The damn thing had tentacles so big it wrapped itself around my legs and slapped me on the ass before saying goodbye. Now I'm on the beach, sprinting in circles, hyperventilating. Deep breath in, f-bomb out. People around me think I’m out of my mind. One lady even grabbed her kids and took off in the complete opposite direction. My Florida man sequence had been initiated. Combined with an explicit vocabulary gifted to me by my New- York-raised parents, I was a different breed of psychopath.
I ran home. Well, more a limping jog. Hand on my junk, spewing absolute profanities with each breath. Oh boy did it hurt. I have been stung plenty of times, but never this bad, and never in this general area. The only treatment I’m aware of is peeing on it, which at the time seemed like a bit of a challenge. One because I have no prior experience peeing on my own pecker. Two, I wasn’t exactly in the mood to pee with the excruciating pain coming from the area. So I just laid on my side and moaned like a teenager going through a breakup.
About an hour has passed since then, and I’m doing better. I was able to uncurl myself from the fetal position, stop groaning, and write this diary entry. For those interested, I’ll be uploading pictures to my OnlyFans later today. For now I sit, mutilated microscopic member in hand, promising myself to wear a spring suit until further notice.