What's Your Worst Jellyfish x Surfing Story? - Stab Mag

Live Now — Episode 3 Of Surf100 Challenge Series Presented By Pacifico

383 Views

What’s Your Worst Jellyfish x Surfing Story?

Because it probably won’t top this.

style // Dec 11, 2020
Words by Stab
Reading Time: 2 minutes

It’s only 10:30 am, and today has not been a great day. Woke up groggy, unmotivated, kind of just wanted to lay in bed. Did the usual coffee and scroll through Instagram. Said fuck it, why not check the surf, won’t hurt. Waist-high and clean. About as much as you can ask for in Florida. Couple hours to kill until the day job, few waves shouldn’t hurt. 

Surfed until I got hungry and decided to take one more wave in. First mistake. Being an obvious closeout, I went straight and took the free ride to shore. As I kicked out in waist-deep water, I felt a certain tingling downstairs. no, not the tingling of a random middle school Spanish class boner, a more painful one. Like someone grabbed jumper cables and attached them to the inside of my boardshorts.

I had been stung by a jellyfish. Base, tip, nuts, fucking everywhere. The damn thing had tentacles so big it wrapped itself around my legs and slapped me on the ass before saying goodbye. Now I’m on the beach, sprinting in circles, hyperventilating. Deep breath in, f-bomb out. People around me think I’m out of my mind. One lady even grabbed her kids and took off in the complete opposite direction. My Florida man sequence had been initiated. Combined with an explicit vocabulary gifted to me by my New- York-raised parents, I was a different breed of psychopath.

I ran home. Well, more a limping jog. Hand on my junk, spewing absolute profanities with each breath. Oh boy did it hurt. I have been stung plenty of times, but never this bad, and never in this general area. The only treatment I’m aware of is peeing on it, which at the time seemed like a bit of a challenge. One because I have no prior experience peeing on my own pecker. Two, I wasn’t exactly in the mood to pee with the excruciating pain coming from the area. So I just laid on my side and moaned like a teenager going through a breakup.

About an hour has passed since then, and I’m doing better. I was able to uncurl myself from the fetal position, stop groaning, and write this diary entry. For those interested, I’ll be uploading pictures to my OnlyFans later today. For now I sit, mutilated microscopic member in hand, promising myself to wear a spring suit until further notice.

Comments

Comments are a Stab Premium feature. Gotta join to talk shop.

Already a member? Sign In

Want to join? Sign Up

Advertisement

Most Recent

10 Shapers To Watch In The Next 10 Years — Part Two

A few more foam craftsmen worth keeping on your radar.

Jul 14, 2025

Watch: Rip Curl Mobilises Its Teenage Army In ‘Dunno’

A 30-minute surf film by Vaughan Blakey and Nick Pollet.

Jul 14, 2025

There’s A New Number One Surfer In The World

And it feels so right.

Jul 13, 2025

Controversial Opinion: No One Needs To Yoga In Boardshorts

8 Trunks for the traditionalist.

Jul 13, 2025

Stab Edit Of The Year: Sam Piter Stars in ‘Rogue DNA’.

French blood, thick water.

Jul 13, 2025

Matty McG Skydives Into CT Heat, But Jordy’s Still The Main Event

A full day of heats at J-Bay, and only one shark warning.

Jul 12, 2025

Correction: J-Bay All Foreplay, No Climax

Slim pickings on Day 1 of the Corona Cero Open J-Bay 2025.

Jul 11, 2025

What Do Hollywood, Surf Lessons, Michael Jackson And Traction Pads Have In Common?

A Stab Interview with Teva Dexter, the man behind surfing's hardest new hardware brand —…

Jul 10, 2025

Surf100 Challenge Series Presented By Pacifico: Episode 3

"The tribe has spoken," Dane Reynolds pronounced, and a surfer's torch was snuffed.

Jul 10, 2025

How Josh Ku Nearly Died Trying To Cross From Ulus to G Land by Hydrofoil

“If someone finds me dead at least they can find my phone and know what…

Jul 10, 2025

Expect No Kiss, All Climax At The “World’s Most Perfect Pointbreak”

A Corona Cero Open J-Bay 2025 preview.

Jul 9, 2025

SEOTY: Liam O’Brien stars in ‘Friction of Perception’

"Hopefully I don’t come across like too much of a peanut."

Jul 8, 2025

10 Shapers To Watch In The Next 10 Years — Part One

“It’s like a drug empire, man. Cut the head off the snakes, and more will…

Jul 7, 2025

Mason Ho Joins Ritual Vision, Releases Remix Of Greatest Hits

Dion Agius riffs on the eyewear brand’s U.S. expansion, Ritualistic Tendencies, and the new stars…

Jul 7, 2025

Is It Time For A New Judging Format?

We have a modest proposal — a WSL head judge disagrees.

Jul 7, 2025

Luke Thompson Turns Last Year’s Priority Disaster Into Ballito Gold

+ earns himself a wildcard into Jbay.

Jul 7, 2025

Fiji Has Its First Professional Surfer, And He’s Unbelievable

16-year-old James Kusitino’s incomprehensible tube lounging leads to a deal with Former.

Jul 6, 2025

Laird Hamilton on The Limitations of Being a Purist, Invention vs. Ownership + Why He Never Had a Sticker Deal 

Untold stories from his How Surfers Get Paid interview.

Jul 4, 2025
Advertisement