Stab Magazine | What's Your Excuse For Not Surfing Today?

What’s Your Excuse For Not Surfing Today?

Introducing the rule of three. 

style // Aug 22, 2020
Words by Stab
Reading Time: 4 minutes

No time, bad waves, appalling weather. 

Ever heard of the rule of three? Folks say, in writing, laying things out as a trio somehow makes whatever it is you’re saying more satisfying to the reader. However, rule of three concepts exist in a variety of fields — from aviation to economics to hematology, which is the study and treatment of blood. 

Some people think that bad things come in three. I think that’s bullshit. 

And that’s not what we’re here to talk about. 

Back to the first line. No time, bad waves, appalling weather — these are three of the most common reasons (excuses?) not to surf. But there’s a way around them. You might call it the golden rule, or the rule of three. 

That is, three waves counts as a session.

Getting 8 barrels on one wave also constitutes a session. Any fewer and you have to paddle back out.

There are some circumstances which simply do not allow for surfing — the most obvious of which is living far away from the ocean. But, if you do live near the ocean, when there is a will, there is almost always a wave to find. And come on, you can find a spare twenty minutes. 

The rule of three has convinced me to ride clean ankle-high (yes, a thing) waves, 10-foot death bowls, and every hideous condition in between. It got me in the water on my wedding day. It showed me what sideways sleet feels like on one’s face. 

At the core of it is the idea that a session doesn’t require a large commitment of time and effort. It can be dirty and cheap. That idea can be the difference between surfing and not surfing. 

And surfing is always better than not surfing. Even for three waves — which, you’ll find, often turns into many more. 

Go on, see for yourself. 

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Husband Punches Great White After It Attacks Partner

Australia has seen five fatal attacks in 2020. While it’s hard to apply the term fortunate to any event involving a Great White biting a human, it is worth celebrating the fact that nobody died here. This was our most-clicked story of the week — because read the title — and I’m fairly surprised by the fact that nobody dropped an, “Oh, Mick’s girl surfs?” in the comments. 

Against All Odds, This Was Noa Deane’s Favorite Electric Acid Board

Some surfboard edits feature monotonous talk about double concaves and fin placement. Others feature chainsaws and outrageous quotes about surf wax. If you’re familiar with Peter Schroff, you already know which one you’re getting here. Come trip with us.

Why Is Kolohe Andino Throwing His Magic Boards In The Bin?

I used to say that I like surfing too much to ever listen to a podcast about it. I’m not sure what I meant by that, but I know that I meant it — meant, as in past tense. I’m into them now, long drives etc. If you prefer pragmatism over chain saws, give it a listen. Surfboards are a central theme.  

And, for those still confused by the title, I’ll provide a hint: It has something to do with water displacement. 

Want to become a ghost local? 

A ghost local is a long-term visitor of a location who learns their ropes well enough to know who the real locals are, which means they know who the real locals are not, which means in the absence of the real locals they exude a certain confidence in the water designed to deceive the uninitiated. You’ve likely been duped by one. And now, you can become one. Click above to apply.

Want to see something different? 

It’s cool when a surfer you’ve never heard of stops being a surfer you’ve never heard of. There is a high probability of that being the case if you watch this. It happened to me. Erwin Bliss, eh? He makes me want to do some shuv-its and shit. Some people will hate his surfing and, if you do, feel free to write me an email explaining why.

And now, a winning rant 

Last Fwd, I asked you to rant. And rant you did. My inbox saw a surge of missives about the state of surfing. Many were good — thanks to all who submitted — but this one from Frank stuck out. 

I especially enjoyed his example. While I have nothing against hatchbacks, it does appear as though the entire fucking hatchback industry came together one day and decided that poorly designed surfboards were the one and only thing that could possibly nudge consumers into purchasing such a practical motor vehicle. 

I think the closest I will ever get to feeling what cultural appropriation must be like, albeit on a very minor scale, is when I see ‘surfing’ used to advertise products because of it’s ‘cultural capital’. I don’t mean that Guinness advert, which was decent because it was respectful, but when you see someone holding a board without fins, and without wax, and standing in front of a completely flat ocean, and because it’s ‘surfing’ I should buy your fucking hatchback. That’s not surfing. I hate it. Shouldn’t be allowed. 

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One last thing 

As I put the finishing touches on this, my hair was still wet for a quick three-wave session that accidentally lasted for forty minutes.


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