The Cynic’s Guide To Summer

Cynicism is a beautiful thing.

Not in the sense of mistrusting everybody. That’ll get you in trouble. The magic of cynicism is born when you angle it at the world at large. When you don’t expect anything, ever, to go your way.

It’s even better when you pair cynicism with positivity. You can see the glass half full yet, at the same time, expect a resident of Tweed’s Head with a barbed wire tattoo to pick up said glass and strike you in the back of the head with it.

Summertime is the season for this brand of cynicism.

Assume that the waves will be atrocious. And that you won’t get a parking spot. And that the entire lineup will be flooded with Wave Storm Caballeros committing a variety of crimes against surfing as a whole.

It’s going to happen — so you might as well accept it and enjoy every minute of it.

That’s why I’m tossing you, dear reader, the keys to a cynical summer. And if your region is heading to winter, don’t worry, you already have plenty to feel cynical about. Don’t be a glutton.

Vroom vroom.

Taj gets it.

Photography

Respondek

The Cynical Board

Get a retro-inspired handshape from a shaper who cares more about the paint job than the rails. Pair it with a long john suit or at the very least a funny hair cut. When you ride waves, disguise your appalling lack of ability in simple knee tucks, back arches, hand gestures and unchecked phrases like “drawing cool lines.” Everybody on the beach will inherently understand that you have adopted a non-conformist view on life and an appreciation for the arts in general. You are cool now. You have arrived.

Just kidding — nobody gives a fuck about what you do, ride, etc. They’re not watching and they never will.

The cynic rides a board that actually feels good under his or her feet. The Super Fling and JS MonstaBox are on my summer reading list. Our board tester, Michael Carmichael, has plenty more for ya.

The Monsta Box, as packaged by J-dub.

Cynic Sessions  

The further you are from the equator, the more cynical it is to surf at sunset. On the longest days of the year, normal people give up before the sun actually goes down. But not the cynic. The cynic stays out, or they wait for it. The cynic knows that the sneaky half hour before sunset provides some of the best sessions of summer — especially when it’s cloudy or rainy.

Good Bad Waves

The cynic can always find an uncrowded peak. My own experience with cynicism has guided me to solo sessions in some of the most crowded places in the world — North Shore, Gold Coast, Bali, etc. Everywhere has a cynical option. And summer is the best time to sacrifice quality for quantity.

Cynical Boardshorts

Remember when I said nobody is looking? They still aren’t. But boardshorts are a better place to pretend they are, because it doesn’t actually affect how well you ride waves. My sincere apologies to each brand’s respective innovation that is supposed to suddenly unlock all the secrets of surfing.

Pro tip: If you have ever unironically read an article to the effect of “How To Bio Hack Your Body,” spend no less than $100 on boardshorts. For you, the more expensive, the better. For the cynic, just find a style that makes you feel good and run ‘em.

Dynamic Cynicism  

Your summertime cynicism should always work for you, not against you. For some people, this means cherry-picking surf sessions while neglecting all the other joys summer has to offer, such as ice cream or handjobs on the beach at night — otherwise known as the New Jersey high-five. To others, that means embracing all the madness of summer while adopting a cynical attitude and therefore never getting caught off guard or flustered.

Be the cynic you were born to be. And have a damn good time.